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Self Care on a Larger Scale with Claire Lee

by ArielZachow September 26, 2019

Ariel Zachow

Hello, and welcome to Compassion As My Compass, a weekly podcast all about living yoga off the mat. I’m your host, Ariel Aachow. Each week we cover a new topic and discuss what small, easily implemented things you can do to follow a yogi lifestyle after your physical practice has ended. Self care is something that we talked a lot about on this show. It’s really important. And what I’m hoping you see as you listen to these episodes and these different shows is that self care can be very different for every person. So it’s really a matter of finding the self care routine that works for you. And I think a lot of what comes to mind when we talk about self care is, I guess, smaller, like normal day to day things- sitting and reading a book, going for a walk, having a glass of wine, meditating, things like that. But I think that it’s important to be said that sometimes your self care routine needs to be much, much bigger than that. It can be scary to think of it on a much grander scale, but this week we’re going to talk to Claire, and she’s going to tell us about how she took her self care routine on a much grander scale by moving countries and coming to the United States at a young age. Welcome, Claire, thank you so much for joining me today. Why don’t we just dive right in and you can tell us your story.

Claire Lee

Okay, so I’m going to go ahead and start from coming to United States in the age of 14. So I came to US at 14 and I went straight to boarding school. And I stayed in boarding school for about like five years until I graduated high school. And coming here was totally hundred percent my decision. And I was excited and nervous at the same time.

Ariel Zachow

Where did you come from?

Claire Lee

Oh, I came from South Korea. And I mainly, like the main reason I came was because all my cousins were already residing and US or Canada. And I was always interested when I was young, and then after seeing them or going to summer school with them, I realized this is so much fun, like just compared to like, what I was living in Korea. I’m not like saying anything about Korea, it’s just like, the classroom style, the way they teach, and everything just seems a little better. And so I was like, Yeah, I want to go, and we got we prepared. And my parents said that sounds like a great idea. So we went. And then as soon as I got there, I mean, the life wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. The language barrier, I still, I was fine with English, it was just like, the way you learn English from the books versus the way you actually talk is a little different. And just like living on your own was completely like, my- knowing other students was a little like a new experience to me. So going back to self care, while those five years was a difficult and at the same time, like realizing who I am and what kind of person I am in general. And I think I’m able to really like keep myself and able to really understand and discover myself, I guess was like having a plan. Like for me, I’ll always have goals and plans for my life in the future so I can be on track without having anyone to tell me what to do or how to live your life. And yeah, so I will always just make plans to become better person in life. And then once I came to college, I still did the same thing. And I was just challenging myself doing new things. And now I’m at place where I want to do something that I I love doing. I’m doing blogging, I’m doing YouTube, and I have a blogging agency where I specialize in Facebook ads and stuff like that. So it really came out really good and a success to the point where I enjoy what I’m doing. And everyone’s happy to.

Ariel Zachow

So when you first moved over here at 14, did you come by yourself without your parents?

Claire Lee

Yes.

Ariel Zachow

Wow. So um, that’s, that’s just- it’s so incredible. I think a lot of people don’t have the ability to make really any decisions such a young age. How did you do it?

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

Claire Lee

So pretty much I was just really I mean for like, I was just grown really independent. And I was always like, really independent person even when I was young. I always had like this dream that I wanted to pursue, I guess. And then I felt like after going to summer camps and summer schools in the US and Canada and stuff like that, I realized that, well, I can do this. I feel I can be more creative and express myself. That’s what I thought I can. At first I was scared suggesting the fact that going overseas, like can I go? I thought my parents will say no, but instantly, they were like ‘Yes, sure. If you want to go you can go.’ And I was like, ‘oh, okay. That sounds good.’ And then, I mean, once I came here, the like, as I said, like the first few years were a little difficult to adjust. But everyone was really nice in that school. And then the school also have other international students. We have like more than like, 23 different countries have students in the school. It was a really diverse school. So yeah, I learned so many things. It was honestly, I think that was like a perfect way to grow up, with so many diverse population and people there. And just learning about different cultures and different food and all that. Yeah, it was it was really a great growing process now that that I think back.

Ariel Zachow

How would you say that it it changed you? Such a massive decision in such a big move, how has that shaped who you are as a person today?

Claire Lee

So pretty much, the first thing I would say is like, I become more mature. Let’s say if I was just staying in my parents house, or like staying at home, staying with them, I might have become a totally different adult. But I think with this, I’ve got more mature and when I come up with situations that I think I will never come up with, I feel like I have more handling ability with those. Even like packing and unpacking or like all that like I used to do that alone or like from the help with my friends. I mean, my dorm parents will help to but they were just so many people, so they cannot help everyone. And so maturity. And then I also think independence, that that’s for sure. And then I think you become more ambitious since it’s yourself and have to just be more controllable, controllable of what you do. Throughout my whole years, even in college, even now, like I don’t have family here, I don’t have my parents and my sister here. So I guess like when you feel like you want to fall back, it’s not like there’s a place to fall back. You always have to be going like, you can’t just be like, ‘Oh, I’m gonna fall back by my parents thinking, you know, they have some sort of solution.’ That’s not the case. It’s like, you have to find your own version, you have to keep pushing yourself, you have to be that strong person.

Ariel Zachow

It sounds like it forces independence because even at such a young age where you’re not quite ready necessarily to be making decisions for yourself as an adult, you had to because there was no other option.

Claire Lee

Correct. Yeah. And, and I like that. I like that, though. I mean, like that experience was really powerful for me. And I think it’s definitely changed me. I can even see myself changing throughout these years, which was a really positive change. Like, like for the more patients that was a big change, like this war, I didn’t really have a lot of patience. And now I do have patients in a gateway. And just like socializing with people, understanding other people really made the difference as well.

Ariel Zachow

If you could go back and change something about how you did that situation, would you? Are you happy with how everything went?

Claire Lee

I am actually happy with how everything went. I mean, if I felt like if I had to, like if I had to go back and change, I guess I’ll be more positive, because there were some times where it was like really hard during the high school years, and I wasn’t a happy kid. I wasn’t always happy. But like, if I go back, I’ll see situations in more like a positive mindset.

Ariel Zachow

The idea of this is really self care on a massive scale. And I’m doing something similar-ish, where this winter, I’ll be spending six months in Greece. I’m very excited, but it’s also, as you know, very scary. It’s a really new thing. So say somebody’s listening and they know that the typical self care routine of yoga and meditation and bubble baths and all of that doesn’t work for them- What is your recommendation? Where they should start? Maybe they need to make a big move, like you’ve done and I’m planning to do- how do you recommend they sort of work through all of that to get prepared?

Claire Lee

Like you said, like going to another country? Okay, so well, first, wherever you’re going, like now that I’m grown, I’ll search about the country or like the area you’re going because obviously such a new place. And since the whole new place might be different, make sure you can put yourself in there. Let’s say like, the city they offer these these type of things, see if those things work for you. For example, let’s say like me, working (in the) US, like that was not a big option. You have to go through getting a social security card, like getting other things. So you might wanna find those alternate steps that works for you in your situation as a visitor or as a foreigner, you know, and just keep going through the process, like don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Just do your thing until you reach the goal, step by step. And I think that really helps. When you’re like going to a new country or new city or moving to a new place.

Ariel Zachow

Did you ever have moments where you regretted everything or felt that you made a huge mistake?

Claire Lee

Actually it happened when I was in like sophomore, junior year between that. Actually, it was funny, I didn’t share with anyone from my parents. But I actually did not want to go to college at the time. I was just like, I want to do something else. I just wasn’t interested in college in general. And then I talked to my parents and my uncle, actually, because he used to live in New York, and I used to visit there a lot. And then he told me all these all the fun things about college and all that. And then after that I got interested in college, and I decided to go but I think it was like the best decision I’ve ever made. Ever since that regret I got, I was just like regretting this whole situation about like how life in US is harder than I thought and all that. Like so many difficulties and everything. And so yeah. Other than that, everything went pretty good.

Ariel Zachow

Do you have advice for somebody who’s maybe in a similar situation? Who’s having that regret? And they’re freaking out?

Claire Lee

Well, first of all, like, as for college, I actually loved college. And at the time, like whenever the college admission comes out, everyone is rooting for the dream colleges. And the results come out, and everyone- it’s like comparing on their social media, “Yay, I got into this/I got into that!” and then sometimes, like, there might be judgments where if people don’t know that college, or they never heard of it, they might say something like, ‘oh, like, why are you going to the college or something like that’, like mine was that kind of case. Because I was at the time the school I was in is located in West Virginia, so the place I was going to many of the international students didn’t know about it. So they’re like, ‘Oh, where’s that like, that’s not Ivy League school or something like that.’ But I didn’t really care, like I was already really excited to go, because I got a scholarship and all that. So what the advice I want to give them is just don’t compare you to other people. And like if you if you have something that you’re interested in, just pursue that goal. And just find a way to do step by step.

Ariel Zachow

It sounds like you have a really good ability to focus on yourself and your own goals and where you’re going. But that’s it’s a little unusual, in the best possible way. It’s a little unusual, because I think this is a very competitive society. How do you stay in that place? Because so many people will check Instagram or Facebook and see ‘well, where am I versus where she is? And she’s doing better than me?’ How do you keep your your sites focused on what you’re doing so that you can accomplish these goals without being bogged down by the opinions of other people?

“Don’t compare you to other people. And like if you if you have something that you’re interested in, just pursue that goal. And just find a way to do step by step.”

Claire Lee

Well, that’s actually good question. But I think it’s the way you think. So like, what made me a better person, or like, how the way I think is, I think like first is invented by my parents. So I think the way my parents helped me grow is they didn’t force- I’m from Asian parents, right, like Asian country, but like, didn’t force anything for me to do. They didn’t have the pressure on me. So like, they kind of like freed me out and express myself. And that just made me focus more on myself. And as for us for social media, I’m pretty active on social media as well. But last year, for example, I was really into social media, and then realized, like, it’s not doing any good. I’m not feeling happy or like it, I just felt like some days I would think ‘Oh, this is a waste of time. I can do something way more productive than the invest in social media.’ That’s what I felt like directly while I was doing the social media and other stuff. So that one really made me change, like, maybe I need to spend more time doing other things productive. And the third one is, I realized that people who don’t use social media actually make a lot of money as well. Like people who don’t have social media accounts, people who are not invested in social media can also make a lot of money. And after realizing that I was like, ‘yeah, this is not the only path to go, even though I’m in the creative side,’ you know what I’m saying. And the fourth one will be I love reading books. When I was young, I wasn’t even interested in books at all. But as I was growing, I love like reading self growth books, or business books to keep teaching myself and learning new things since I am done with college. And I feel like people should like force themselves to keep learning and learning after college. Whether it’s something that you’re interested in or something that you want to develop yourself and like, you found a weakness in yourself and you want to improve that, like I’m doing right now. You have to keep reading books in order for you to stay on track and not look at other people. Like crazy photos of photo on Instagram be like, ‘Oh, I want to be like that,’ you know. I mean appreciate they have happy lives and all, but they also have their struggles. And we don’t know that. So just think as in, I guess just thinking like, those positive ways to have an ultimate goal. So like, whenever you feel like you’re going sideways, you can be like, ‘Oh, this is my goal is to be on track again.’

Ariel Zachow

Sure. Like self correction along the way, right?

Claire Lee

Yeah.

Ariel Zachow

So how do you keep the confidence and the drive to continue to pursue your passion or your self care on this grander scale? So you’ve made the big move, and now you’re in a place that makes you happier, but what about for for work? Because I think what we do, or a lot of people do with blogging, and podcasting and all these things- it’s very non traditional. And I think that makes a lot of people super uncomfortable. So how do you keep the confidence to pursue what ultimately is going to make you happy?

Claire Lee

Well, I guess I’ll see the possibility first, like possibility and passion is the two things really matter. And like, of course effort, but I feel like some like sometimes, like even blogging or podcasts, but you never know what will happen with it. And like there’s no certain because you’re making out of it. So there’s no person who’s going to gather a company that’s going to be like, this is the way you’re going right. So yeah, like possibility definitely matters. Meaning, if you first start that, like you need to have a plan, or a goal or anything that you’re going to keep going with. So I normally start out something in a plan for like a year or six months, and see if this is going to work out. But I’m gonna see it in a realistic way, I’m not gonna see it in a imaginable or something that I want, I want to see this in a realistic way where it’s like, is this really gonna work? Or is this really gonna help me survive with money in the future. And if I that’s not the case, even though I want to do this, then I’m not going to pursue it. Because that might be a waste of time. And if I think there’s a possibility, then I’ll go with it. But I’ll try to find like minded people, or people who are already successful in business, or death field, I’ll like talk to them or contact them to gather information as much as possible. So to make this happen, is what I take, like the two, like two paths I take.

Ariel Zachow

What are some of the biggest difficulties you face living this, this very bold, very passionate life?

Claire Lee

Um, I guess, like the main thing was just like a status difficulty. I mean, it’s resolved now. But status was difficult as in like, given visa, or something like that. It has very limited abilities just for everything, living or even like getting a driver’s license or renewing something. All of that is harder. And I guess like the visa is the main problem if you’re going to a new place, because they will limit a lot of things you can do. So if you’re thinking that you want to stay here for a long time, you definitely want to work on hat first before doing anything else.

Ariel Zachow

Well, and I can say for Greece, at least, and I think this is true in a lot of places- Don’t mess around with your visa. Don’t wing it. And I know that the US is really picky, so it’s much stricter here in the US than it is in other places. But don’t don’t wing it. Look into some research.

Claire Lee

I mean, those visa problems like once you get delayed or like slacked off like, wait another like few months and does not take forever, so

Ariel Zachow

And you don’t want to get blacklisted.

Claire Lee

Exactly, exactly. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That’s so fun, though. I mean, I hope you really have fun. Like, that sounds, that sounds like a really great, like an opportunity and just, you know, yeah, travel around, see new things.

Ariel Zachow

Yeah, that’s definitely something that I feel like I’m lacking in my life is exposure to different cultures. Where I live now, it’s very, I mean, it’s Italian, but it’s very American, Italian. But, but that’s it, which is great, but it sounds like one of the better parts of your experience was learning about different places that you wouldn’t have otherwise, if you weren’t exposed to the people from those places.

Claire Lee

Right. It was there was a really great experience. I mean, I guess it will be like really invaluable experience. Yeah. When I go pack, when I like think about like those times, it always just makes me like feeling like feeling some type of way. You know? Yeah, like when I like put myself in those times is not the best. Some days are worse, some days are not the best. But as an adult Claire, like going back, and then seeing myself is definitely like a perfect growth.

Ariel Zachow

Are there any last little bits you want to add before we wrap up?

Claire Lee

I guess I throughout this whole, I always focus on happiness. Like just in general. It’s, it might sound easy, but it’s not that easy. Unless you’re actually like, making yourself happy. And then even though like when you’re feeling not good, or when you feel I’m not fit in this world type of you’re feeling like, like you’re not the best, just try to think in a positive way, like in your like something that you’re doing good. And just grasp on that and then go to another level of challenge and keep going.

Ariel Zachow

Yeah. All right. Well, thank you for sharing your story. This was really interesting and a little different than we usually do. But I am hoping that it will spark some ideas for what a self care routine can look like for somebody on a grander scale and a much bigger scale. If they’re not particularly satisfied with the things that they’re doing now or they feel maybe like something is missing, hopefully this has planted the seed and you know, you don’t have to move countries to make a doable self care routine. Maybe it’s not that big for you, but maybe it’s traveling more often or maybe it’s you know, whatever it is to you. Hopefully this will help you come up with a couple of ideas. And if you want to follow Claire on social media you want to connect with her. You can find her on Facebook at Claire Bear Blogs. You can find her on Instagram @clairebearyblogs_94 or you can head over to her website at www.clairebearblogs.com. Never hesitate to reach out to her or myself. You can find me on instagram @compassion.as.my.compass or head over to my website at www.compassionasmycompass.com Send me an email send me a DM on Instagram, whatever floats your boat. But I love the conversation that I have with my listeners. If you or somebody you know would like to guest on the show, please reach out to me, let me know. Or if there are any topics that you would like covered that I have not yet also send me an email. I’m always looking for new ideas. They thank you as always for your time this week. I hope you enjoyed this show and I will see you next Thursday.

September 26, 2019 0 comment

Interviews Podcasts

Self Limiting Beliefs with Monica Frederick

by ArielZachow September 12, 2019

Ariel Zachow

Alright, so let’s jump right in. Today we’re going to talk about getting over self limiting beliefs. And that is such a massive thing. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to anybody who doesn’t have some sort of self limiting beliefs. So we’re going to just sorta get your opinion on that today. But I would love for you to start by telling everyone your story. Tell us a little bit about you.

Monica Frederick

Yeah, so I won’t go too far into the nitty gritty details. I’m not going to take you way, way back. I’ll take you back a little bit just to get a little bit of a sense as to who I am and how I got here. And so currently, right now, I am a self confidence coach and a podcast host as well. But I didn’t always have this clear path for myself. I grew up in a very poverty stricken situation. I grew up without running water or heat. I also grew up with a very abusive stepfather. And the reason I go into the sad story is just because that, of course, our childhood shapes who we are. And so for the majority of my life, I always had somebody telling me, ‘you’re not good enough, you’re never going to be anything,’ things like that. And as you’re a child, and you will hear these things over and over, you start to really believe them. Because you know, when somebody tells you one plus one is three, and you hear that over and over and over again, you’re like, ‘Okay, got it. So one plus one equals three’. And when you graduate high school and go to college, and you know, somebody tells you one plus one is two, you’re like, ‘what the heck, what is going on here.’ And so, you know, that really had this long term effect on me, obviously. And so I went in not kind of realizing what self worth was. And I didn’t have a really good relationship with myself, I never really kind of realized that I left home when I was very, very young. I left home around 15. And, you know, kind of went out on my own. And I thought that in order to almost like validate my existence in this world, I needed to go out, and I needed to have a job and I needed to be a good taxpaying citizen, have my career planned out. And then that way, I would never have to ask for anything again, because I was on. Of course, my parents and I were on welfare, things like that. And so I never wanted to be like that. And so I thought I had to show my work through hard work. And that was it, that I didn’t have anything really else to offer other than just, you know, making sure that I didn’t ask for anything. And so I say all this because as I went into my adult, life, I spent the majority of my time just spending all of my time working for a company and I bent over backwards, I poured My blood, sweat and tears into my job trying to get another promotion and just showing that I can, you know that I had a right to be where I was. And I didn’t think that I was worth much past that. And I know that sounds really sad, but it’s part of my reality. And so I went through this time and I didn’t believe that I was anything but my work. That if I didn’t excel in the outward parts of myself, that I wasn’t doing life right, if that makes sense. And so it wasn’t until maybe about a year ago, when I had spent so much of my life life living for other people, living for external validation, that I had a breakdown. I stepped down for my job and I knew I wanted to go out on my own and teach people that you didn’t have to live like that. But I didn’t believe in myself. I’d never done anything on my own or started a project on my own or actually completed a big goal on my own. I’m a starter, but not a finisher. And so when you do that for so long, it’s hard to believe that you can actually do something, which is definitely where those limiting beliefs comes in. And so I went through after this time, trying to look for internal validation, and instead of external, and when you live your whole life one way, living with limiting beliefs, and living with a sense of not believing in yourself, but looking to other people to validate, you are looking to external things like money, or where you live, or what you look like. Things like that. When you look for external validation like that, it’s hard to actually look internally. So when I started to look internally, that’s when I started to realize that I was not the only one. You know, we all have traumas in our past. And maybe somebody listening is not thinking, ‘Well, my gosh, I mean, I have limiting beliefs. But I didn’t grow up with abuse.’ But, you know, for anybody that’s thinking like that, we all have limiting beliefs. And we all have that sense of trying to find our own inner self worth. And so that’s what I realized- that I wasn’t the only one. And so now, that’s what my focus is as I learned to look within, and I learned to look internally and try to believe in myself. That’s what I now teach to other people. So that’s a short version, the long, fun story that is my life. And that’s how I got here.

Ariel Zachow

So I want to stray a little bit just quickly from the topic, because you mentioned that people have their struggle, but everybody’s struggle is different. I think that yours is on a very extreme end. What do you say to somebody who’s struggling, but on maybe like a textbook lesser? You know, with less- I don’t really know how to say just different, just different, maybe not as intense?

If you’d prefer to listen to this show, you can do so HERE.

Monica Frederick

Yeah, no, I absolutely see what you mean. And here’s the thing is that, for me, I wore kind of my life in my victimhood as just kind of like, a badge of honor, almost, I guess you could say, like, a badge that I suffered more. And I realized now that if somebody suffering or if somebody feels that way, it feels to them just as bad as to somebody like me, you know what I mean? I’ve heard the, the comparison of like drowning. So, if I’m drowning in the in the ocean, you know, where it’s like two miles deep, and somebody’s drowning, but they’re only at six foot deep water, we’re both still struggling to swim.

Do you see what I mean? Like, the water is still just as overpowering, it’s still a force of nature that we have to work against. And so maybe my end is deeper, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not struggling, that doesn’t mean that you that your battles and what you’re working through is not validated. And so I always kind of come back to that. And that’s almost another form of limiting belief is like, ‘Well, you know, mine’s not even as bad as that.

So what do I have to even complain about that.’ That’s still even kind of continuing that cycle too. And so it’s okay to recognize where you are. And that kind of even comes into the comparison kind of thing is when you are thinking and looking to other people that’s almost that same external kind of validation, or that you’re looking externally. And we want to shift the conversation more to bring it in and kind of see what’s happening inside.

Because when you can heal what’s happening inside no matter what’s going on. I mean, my situation was bad. Yes. But I mean, there are still situations all around the world. I’m grateful, you know what I mean? There are so many horrors in this world that I did not thankfully have to go through. And there is somebody out there that’s suffering more than you.

And any one person can say that, you know what I mean? And so that’s when we need to stop looking so much out, but more in, which is hard. It’s hard to do.

Ariel Zachow

Yes, that that was really well put. Not quite the idea of the show today, but I think it’s something that people come across a lot. They see that their struggle is different, and they deem it to be a lesser struggle, therefore, it doesn’t matter. And I think that’s totally untrue. Again, it doesn’t mean you’re not drowning. You’re just drowning differently. So thank you, I’m happy to have your input on that. But now circling back, you said you had a breakdown and that was kind of your your wake up moment. Can you talk us through that light bulb or that switch or shift or however it happened for you?

Monica Frederick

Yeah, yeah. When this it happened, I thought originally was for my health, which it that was definitely a big slice of it. But I thought when I had this moment, I, I mean, when I was working, I spent about like, 16 hours a week being in the office where I was, and then I would come home, take all of my work with me, and then just beat myself up for not having enough sales. And I ran a team, but you know, I would beat myself up for not having the numbers to come up to the manager meeting on Monday, and present. And, you know, I knew my boss would be upset with me, and I would just harbor all of these things like ‘you didn’t do this well enough. And you could have done better.’

That was a type of conversation that I constantly had in my head for years. And I just thought it was normal, which unfortunately, oftentimes, that is normal. But I thought that was normal in the sense of like, you just got to get up and get it. You’re living the American dream and it took me a while to realize that’s not the American dream. You can do something good with your life, you can have meaning in your life. And if that is what you do with a job, that’s great. But, you know, for me, I just thought like, well, the only way to live the American dream is to make money.

And part of that is just having a bad boss and always yelling at yourself. Like I had this really warped, twisted version of what I thought I should live, or how I thought I should live. And so it wasn’t until I didn’t spend any time for myself whatsoever. I mean, you know, it’s talking about self care now I feel like is really popular, which is awesome. But the farther back you go, the less and less people talk about it. You know, hustling was a badge of honor. How much time you poured into something was a badge of honor. How little you slept was a badge of honor.

It was like a competition to see who got the least amount of sleep. And it’s like, that’s not the world I wanted to live in anymore. You know, I had done that for so long, I gained so much weight, I felt unhealthy because I didn’t have the time or energy to come home and cook a good meal for myself. I didn’t have the energy to come home and even have a full on conversation with my husband. I came home and vegetated because that’s literally the only bandwidth I had leftover. I didn’t separate any time for myself.

And so the breakdown kind of happened when I’m like, I will probably die of a heart attack and keep gaining weight if I don’t do something, and so for me, my journey kind of started out more focused on health. I’m like, ‘Okay, so now I’ve got to focus on fitness. I just, I’m going to run a little bit, eat some kale, and I’ll be good. Like, I’ll be set.’ And that was a good way to start. Once I actually got that under control, like, ‘Oh, I do feel good. Maybe I can do this, but then that led to, ‘okay, now I can do my job better. Because I’m, you know, I don’t pant as much when I go up the stairs, you know?’

So I was only making myself feel better for my job. And again, I was living for something other than me. And so that’s when I’m like, so slowly after that I’m like, ‘all right, I really gotta change something. I’ve got to start living for myself first.’ And so that’s when I stepped down from my job. And I started out trying to do my own thing. And then that’s where the limiting beliefs really came back. It’s like, ‘Who are you to do this, you had a really great career, you know, you had a 401k like, everybody loves to hear that.

Right? Like, benefits and 401k. If you have that you’re like, oh, life set.’ But you know, these are the types of conversations that I had in my head right after I had stepped down from what I was doing. And I’m like, ‘Why are you going out on your own? You don’t have benefits anymore?’ things, you know, the normal types of fun dialogue that we have with ourselves.

“…we all have that sense of trying to find our own inner self worth.”

Ariel Zachow

How did this all go with your husband? Because he knew you before, right? And then you made this change. So what what was that like doing that with a significant other in your life?

Monica Frederick

Yeah, that’s a great question. I mean, I’ve thought about this, but I’ve never actually answered that before. I love that. It was interesting, thankfully, thank my gosh, thank like, the universe and God, whoever, that I had somebody really supportive on my side, because if I didn’t, then this could have all gone down in a different way. I remember, I always came home and I was just always close to crying because I was very unhappy in my job.

Because I was, you know, basically sacrificing myself for it. And he would always kind of mention, ‘You know what, it seems like you’re dating this company, it seems like you’re in a deeper relationship with this company than you are with me.’ And that really hit home, you know, I don’t want to be in a relationship with my company, I want to be relationship with my husband. And if all of my time and energy is going into it, then I have nothing left for him.

And that’s where we had fights that would happen, because I just didn’t have the bandwidth to even just be present with him. I was too busy looking at my work email on my phone when I was at dinner with him. And so that’s on the relationship side. That’s where like the bickering and the fights kind of started to break out. And then after all of that was when I another one of those factors, like my health was a factor. But like, my, I knew that since my bandwidth to even have a relationship wasn’t there, that was another factor.

And knowing why I had to let go of my obsession about my career and my outward goals. And so after I had one of those moments, you know, in the movies, where somebody has like their midlife or quarter life crisis, and they’re curled up in a ball in the shower, and the water is raining down on them, and they’re crying. I mean I’m laughing about it now, but like one of those moments at the time, I was very upset.

But like, I just sat there, I remember sitting there and the water was just running over me. And I’m like, I have lost control of my life. I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no purpose. What am I even here for? Like those types of deep, dark questions. You know, we’re going to get really deep and dark here. But those types of questions really came over me.

And that’s when he came in and it turned the shower off. And we talked and I’m like, ‘I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m focused and obsessed so much about this career that I have no passion for anymore. I don’t even know who I am.’ I remember somebody asked me what my hobbies were and I cried because I couldn’t answer.

Like, what are hobbies? I don’t know. But I been that’s when we had the conversation of- He’s like, ‘Okay, well, what do you like to do?’ And I’m like, ‘I don’t even know any more,’ and I’m just crying. And, you know, just being completely nonsensical, like, it was an ugly cry, the snot coming out. It was not like the pretty cry in the movies, it was the ugly cry.

But that’s when he had suggested- He’s like, ‘you know what, you’re a really good teacher, and you listen intently, and you have like a really different kind of take on the world and a different take on how people can live their lives. Why don’t you help people through that?’ And light bulb just clicked.

I mean, I was like, ‘Wow, you’re right. Holy crap, what a great idea.’ So thankfully, he’s been extremely supportive in my decision. And I think he even had mentioned that he had rather me be broke than unhappy or at least trying to pursue something that made me happy, rather than being stuck in a career in a lifestyle, really not even just the creative, but just the life and the obsession. You’d rather me see me broke then be you know, more well off, but just completely miserable in my life.

Ariel Zachow

So how do you take such a big breakdown in such like a crisis moment and turn it so that it becomes something positive rather than letting it be just another breakdown among the many breakdowns on this path that you continued on? How did you let that be your turning point?

“And so that’s what I realized. That I wasn’t the only one.”

Monica Frederick

I’m not gonna lie, there was there was a good solid like month and half or something like that, where I just, I vegetated. I stayed on the couch. I binged lot of TV, like, I’m just like, ‘oh, what am I gonna do.’ And everything just felt really overwhelming. You know, I let myself feel that. Something that I had told myself in those kind of crisis moments was, ‘this is a moment you’re going to look back on and tell somebody about this is a moment that you can use, as an example, for when somebody else feels like this.’

And so, for me, I started to learn how to just really hone in on on a vision. I’m always a really big believer in having a clear vision for yourself. Because if you have a goal, you need strong motivation. And the motivation is just a very clear picture in your mind of what you want. So that way you can strive for it when the going gets tough. Because when those negative Nancy kind of comes in on your shoulder, and, you know, starts telling you that you can’t do it, or you know what you’re crazy for even thinking that you can, you have to have a very clear vision that’s stronger than the negative person in your mind, you know what I mean?

And so for me, I started playing around with clearly identifying what I wanted to do and the impact that I wanted to make. And so for me, in my mind, I was envisioning somebody who was in my place, I was envisioning somebody that was just, you know, overwhelmed, and they didn’t, they wanted to do something, but they were just kind of like, almost petrified and just couldn’t move forward in any direction, because they felt like they could do something wrong.

I was envisioning that person so clearly, I can see, you know, their hair, I can see what they were wearing, I just, when I close my eyes, it was like a movie was playing in my head. And I forced myself to keep like closing my eyes and picturing this person I can help. And so when I clearly envision that, and actually, after a while I wrote it down, you know, wrote this kind of like, movie clip, I guess, in my head down. That’s something that I always went back to. And so, you know, not every day is sunshine and roses, of course, but being able to close my eyes and remember why I’m putting myself through this and why I’m doing this helps propel me forward.

Ariel Zachow

So if we have somebody listening now who is deep in this cycle of self limiting beliefs, be it from somebody else and abuse situation or from themselves- how do you recommend they get started with just planting the seed of ‘I am enough’ or ‘I matter.’ How do you get started if you’re so overwhelmed by these negative thoughts?

Monica Frederick

You know, for me, it took a really long time to understand that I’m the only one that can affect how I feel. I’m the only one that can affect my future, I spent so long thinking that, ‘well, my step dad said this to me, and that’s why I do the things that I do,’ or, you know, I grew up without money. I grew up in the middle of frickin nowhere. A really tiny town in Missouri.

I’m like, ‘I don’t live in New York City or LA, like, I’m never like, you have to live somewhere cool.’ But you know what I mean, I could come up with excuses for days. And when I say that, like, especially thinking about my stuff, other things like that, you know, there is a history. Sometimes there’s so much trauma where it takes a lot of help to get there. So obviously, if therapy is an option, go for it and do that. But when you can move past that point, for me, I just had to remind myself that I’m the only one that can propel myself forward.

There’s people in my life that can help me, of course, but there’s nobody that’s going to sit there right on my shoulder like a little parrot and be like, ‘Okay, so here’s what you do next. And then, oh, you’re really great. Like you, you’ve got this, like you can do this.’ We all should have people in our lives that are cheerleaders and lift this up. But ultimately, the biggest cheerleader has to be yourself, or you can’t propel yourself forward.

And so for me, that’s when I kind of realized that I just needed to take radical responsibility, I needed to be responsible for my actions, and I needed to be responsible for my life. And so I had a- almost like a come to Jesus moment, but the real conversation with myself and said, ‘You know what, shit happens,’ Things happen in our lives where we have literally no control over them sometimes, that we can’t control other people.

And we can’t control what they think or do. And we can’t control the environment, we can’t control nature, we can’t control the world. The only thing we can control is our reactions. And so when something happens to me, that’s when I got over the mindset of the victim, and then kind of move forward. And I’m like, I actually have power. So you know, something bad can happen to me, but remembering that I have the power to get over it, or I have the power to make a decision, whether it’s good or bad, reminding myself that I’m in control of what I can do was extremely powerful.

And so maybe, you know, if you’re in a kind of crossroads right now, and something bad had just happened to you that was outside of your control, the only thing you can control is what you do after. Everybody’s heard the quote, ‘failure is not when you fall down, it’s if you just stayed down.’ And that’s just another way of saying you have the control. You have to be kind of like deciding factor. You can decide to either get up and go forward and keep going. Or you can decide to stay where you are. Only you can make that decision, no matter what your situation looks like. And that’s what really helps me if that answers your question.

“You can do something good with your life. You can have meaning in your life.”

Ariel Zachow

Now, do you find that you still occasionally deal with self limiting beliefs? Or is it just everything’s perfect and smooth sailing?

Monica Frederick

If you can find somebody that says that everything perfect and smooth sailing, then give me their number, because let’s figure this out. That’s the beauty of human existence is that we always kind of go through and struggle, you know, we always have moments where something challenges our character, you know, there’s always situations or people or something that always challenges who we are in our country, our beliefs, and what we think that we can do.

But it’s in those moments that kind of really define who we are. And I know I’m saying all these cliche things, but they’re cliche because people say them often for a reason, right? And so, for me, I know that there can be no good without bad. If everything was peachy, and sunshine and rainbows all the time, then we would never look at rainbows the same way We’d be like,’ Oh, my God. Great. Another rainbow. I wish I had some variety in my life.” You know what I mean? You can’t appreciate the good things in your life without at least recognizing the bad for what it is.

Bad things suck. Bad events and bad people and bad things that happen, they suck. They do. It’s horrible. But at the same time they have a lot of value. They’re really important because they make the good times so much better. They make the good things that you do so much better. All of your fails that you think you have, they are what makes your wins that you have so much sweeter. If every attempt that you ever did, every time that you ever tried anything ever and you won.

Every time you ever attempted to do anything, it was always smooth sailing for you, you would be pretty bored, you would still believe that you couldn’t do anything. Because at that point, you’re like, ‘Well, everything in my life is great. Like, if something really challenging came along, how would I even know I could do it?’ Do you see what I mean? Like without the bad, you can’t even congratulate yourself on the good. I know that was a super long answer. But you know, I get really heated about this. And I’m like, I could go on for days and days.

Ariel Zachow

My favorite people that people that are just so calm, but they’ve got like one thing that just gets them totally riled.

Monica Frederick

Yeah. Yeah.

Ariel Zachow

Do you have any last little tidbits you want to add?

“…you have to have a clear vision that’s stronger than the negative person in your mind.”

Monica Frederick

(laughing) You know, I thank you for coming to my TED Talk. If there’s anything I can impart on you is just the only the first thing that you have to have an anything that you do ever is got to be you. If you aren’t on your own sidelines cheering you on, then why would anybody else show up and cheer you? So that’s why I always truly believe that looking internally, and really finding that self worth first. And then going out and doing what you want to do. All of the people and all of that external validation you’re looking for will, be there. But what will feel the greatest is when you can just have that internal hurrah, I guess you could say so.

Ariel Zachow

And I think allow it to be a journey. It doesn’t have to be one month where all of the sudden you think you’re so amazing and great. It takes time. So if people want to follow you on social media, where should they go?

Monica Frederick

Yeah. My main central hub, you can find me mostly on Instagram and you can find me at Monica Chats, and my main hangout places of course on my website, and that’s just MonicaFrederick.com

September 12, 2019 0 comment

Interviews Podcasts

Practicing Gratitude with Samantha B

by ArielZachow September 5, 2019

Ariel Zachow

Hello and welcome to Compassion As My Compass, a weekly podcast all about living yoga off the mat. I’m your host Ariel Zachow. Each week we cover a new topic and discuss what small, easily implemented things you can do to live a yogi lifestyle after your physical practice has ended. And we have a really interesting show this week. I’m joined by a good friend of mine, Samantha B. She and I, I feel like everybody has that friend where it’s just literal chaos when you’re together.And so that’s what this is. And we have a really important topic for this week, it is just going to be funny if we ever managed to get it done. Samantha, welcome. Thank you for joining me. We are going to talk about gratitude, which is a really, really important thing. It can be a difficult thing to have and to achieve. But you’ll sort of walk us through how it’s changed your life, the changes that you made, and how do you practice this. But why don’t you start by introducing yourself and let our listeners know a little bit about you?

Samantha B

Sure. My name is Samantha B. I am the owner and lead photographer for Seaweed and Diamonds, which is a women’s lifestyle company and boudoir services specifically. But I do kind of all sorts of photography and a little bit of everything, because I’m an entrepreneur, and that’s how life works in our world. I have a studio here on Long Island, and I’m originally from upstate New York. So that’s been an interesting transition. And honestly, that transition is probably what threw me into the gratitude topic.

Ariel Zachow

Well, you and I share a lot of similarities in that neither of us are from Long Island, but our husbands are. And if you’re not from here, Long Island is really interesting. It’s its own thing.

Samantha B

That’s a whole other podcast there.

Ariel Zachow

She’s literally writing it down right now. So talk to me about what gratitude means to you as like a broad topic.

Samantha B

Gratitude to me is actually your perception of what you have.

Ariel Zachow

So it’s appreciating the good parts of your life and not necessarily focusing on the negative things or the things you want to change.

Samantha B

I feel like, as humans, we tend to gravitate towards the negative. Somebody could give us 100 compliments and the only one we remember at the end of the day was the backhanded one.

Ariel Zachow

But it’s maybe important to know that that’s a survival instinct. Because the body isn’t gonna remember the good things because those aren’t a danger to you, it’s the bad things that are. But now we live in a world where we’re not being chased by like saber toothed tigers, so that’s not so applicable. How do you pull away from this natural instinct of focusing on the bad and shifting towards a more grateful outlook?

Samantha B

Right. It’s definitely an exercise to shift your mindset towards gratitude. And I think that like, I think it’s been kind of a hot topic lately. And people are like, ‘Oh, yeah, gratitude. Yeah, I’ve heard so much about it. But like, why do I need it? Or how do I do it?’ And it’s like, it literally is you training your mind. And when you train your mind, it’s like having keys that unlock it, and then it unlocks your potential.

Ariel Zachow

So can you talk us through how this idea came into your life initially?

Samantha B

Yeah, so I definitely will share about that, but you guys should know that I’m, I’m kind of like an all or nothing kind of person, I either kind of over share. And then people are like, Whoa, that’s a lot of information. Or I just keep my mouth shut. So.

Ariel Zachow

Which is a normal thing, and we’ve talked about it on the show, it was like one of the first episode. There’s me, mostly the nothing side, and you’re the all side. And together, we create a perfect human being.

Samantha B

And what resolution did you come to?

Ariel Zachow

There is not one.

Samantha B

Awesome, awesome.

If you’d prefer to listen to this show, you can do so HERE.

Ariel Zachow

If you listen to the show, you know, there’s no resolution, it’s just, you know, a discussion show.

Samantha B

Yes. Alright. So I guess I would say about a year ago, I had been on Long Island for a little over a year, and my life was nowhere where I thought it would be and I was kind of having like, a life crisis, which is continuing. But again, that’s probably another podcast day. Write down life crisis on the notebook here. So around this time last year, my life wasn’t where I expected it to be. And I was kind of like, having a meltdown about everything on the daily and I decided that I was going to reach out to a business coach. She’s amazing. She’s based out of Vegas. If anybody needs a business coach, contact me later, I will give you more information. And she’s the one that really turned me on to the idea of gratitude. And she was like, ‘Listen, I have this book. It’s called the Five Minute Journal. I’m sure a lot of people have heard about it, I want you to do it for a couple of weeks, and just kind of see if things start to fall into place.’ So I did it. And things just kind of started to fall into place. It was really bizarre, because I didn’t really realize how much my mindset was affecting the outcomes of certain situations. So I became a lot more aware of, of looking at the positive and being grateful for what I have or what I didn’t have.

Ariel Zachow

Well, we talked earlier today- about the idea of focusing more on the positive to bring the positive into your life rather than focusing on the negative. Because what you put out does come back to you. But there’s a fine balance of being grateful and being a positive person, but also not necessarily ignoring the negative things in your life. Right?

Samantha B

Oh, I agree with that. 100%. I think there’s a fine line between striving to be positive and focus on positive and being delusional. That’s the thing.

Ariel Zachow

So how do you find the balance, then?

Samantha B

I think it’s important to be realistic. Everything is not always kittens and rainbows. I know. I know, I just crushed your world. We’re literally surrounded by unicorns right now in Ariel’s office. I think it’s important to be like, ‘Okay, I’m looking at shitty situation. And like, what is the upside to it? or What am I learning from it? Or how am I going to avoid it in the future?’ And having that mindset of instead of being like, ‘oh, man, this is a really shitty situation. Oh, my God,. How did I end up in this situation? Why am I the only one in this situation,’ you see how those two thought lines can help you get through something bad faster and more efficiently.

Ariel Zachow

This is a little bit of a tangent from that. But growing up, my dad would always say, ‘go out and fail.’ And I I was always so offended. I was always so mad because I was like, why wouldn’t he wish a success or you know, a lot of successes. And it wasn’t until I failed 12,000 times that I could be able to look at a bad situation and think, ‘Okay, so this didn’t go how I wanted, but what can I get out of it? And what benefit is this going to bring me?’ So it’s kind of the same idea. You’re not trying to never fail, because that’s not realistic, but when you’re in that situation, when you’re in your shitty situation, because you have to go through it until it ends, you know, whatever the resolution is, you have to be able to say, ‘what can I get out of this? How can this make me better? How can it better prepare me to deal with the situation in the future?’

Samantha B

And I think it’s really interesting that you bring that up, because I have people come to me a lot and they’re afraid to start something. And why are we ever afraid to start anything? If you’re afraid that we’re going to fail. But honestly, if you accept the fact that failure is going to happen, like it’s inevitable, everybody fails, you need to get through the failure before you can have the win. And once you change that mindset, it’s like ‘okay, wow, that really sucked. I messed that up. I gotta do it again, I’m going to do it better. Or I don’t want to do that ever again. I’m going to do something else.’ But just having that mindset that like, ‘okay, what’s next? Okay, how do I adjust? Okay, how do I pivot?’ is gratitude instead of just focusing on how it feels in the moment. Or what other people might think. Or, you know, whatever negative energy is associated to your situation.

“Gratitude to me is actually your perception of what you have.”

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Ariel Zachow

So was this a difficult shift for you to make mentally? Or was it once the pieces fell into place, it it sort of snowballs. How did it go for you?

Samantha B

I definitely feel like you’re creating a habit. So anytime you create a habit, it’s hard, because it’s not something you do naturally. I think the book really helped me immensely. Because it literally is full of exercises that teach you how to be grateful. And how to have that mindset shift. And once I kind of got through the book a little bit, it definitely snow balled. It definitely is like, you know, every time I feel myself getting into that mindset, like ‘oh, I’m doing this wrong,’ or ‘Oh, I failed again. Or Oh, I messed up again, or whatever.’ I’m like, ‘No, like, look at all the positive things that I do have going on in my life. Look at how far I’ve come. Look at all the ambition, I have to keep moving forward instead of just, you know,dwelling on the negative.

Ariel Zachow

And what what are the biggest positives from this that stick out to you in the past year?

Samantha B

I think since I have shifted that mindset, I think that I’ve attracted more like minded people. And I think that, you know, we are social beings, even if you’re like me, I’m like, really polarized, where I’m like, social antisocial, I definitely am introverted, extroverted, I need my time alone. But I love my time with other people. And I feel like I’ve attracted more quality people in my friendships since I have shifted my mindset. So I think that was like, the biggest way that it impacted me is my relationship with other people. It also, because I’m an entrepreneur, because I spend so much time alone, it has really helped me to, like, refocus and not get so lost within myself. On the days, like where I would in the past, like just be thinking about the things that are hard and the things that I’m struggling with, and then just like never get anything done. I can like kind of refocus since then.

Ariel Zachow

So tell me the name of the book again.

Samantha B

It’s called the Five Minute Journal. And you can get it on Amazon, which I love Amazon. But they also have an app now, which I haven’t been able to check out. I do think it’s a free app, or it’s like a one time pay app instead of like the monthly subscription ones. So yeah, it’s definitely worth checking out. Because I mean, even just like a week of doing a daily really changes your perspective about your life.

Ariel Zachow

Can you give an example of some of the things that it has you do?

Samantha B

Yes. So it’s like a journal prompt. It’s only one page a day. And in the morning, you say three things that you’re grateful for. And then I think you say three or four things that you intend to do that day. So like your intentions for the day. And then at the end of the day, you say things that you’re grateful for. There are days that were really hard, where I said the same thing every day, you know, there were like three days in a row where I said that I was grateful for my husband. And it felt like a cop out. But it wasn’t. It was like being reminded that my relationship is really awesome. And other people strive to have that that type of relationship. And it’s something I should be grateful for. And instead of focusing on something that I I’m working on, or that I can’t have right now, I should be focusing on the awesome things that I do have.

Ariel Zachow

Do you think that it was helpful for you to sort of book end your day with this gratitude to sort of do it in the morning and to do it in the evening?

Samantha B

Absolutely. And I think that’s, again, one of the hardest parts, because you’re like, it’s one more thing to do. It’s something to remember every single day, and not only remembering it every single day, but you’re remembering it twice a day. But honestly, it’s the only way to keep it at the top of mind. And you couldn’t help it after a few days, you’re thinking about the things that you said that you’re grateful for. And you’re thinking about the things that you intended to do with that day. It was it’s like a self evaluation. At the end of the day, if I looked at my paper and what I intended to do, and I didn’t do any of those things, I realized that I was avoiding myself, I was avoiding my self care, I was avoiding things that I needed in my life because I wasn’t doing that. So the next day, I was more careful about what I put down in my intentions. And then you have a sense of pride when you’re evaluating and you did complete them.

Ariel Zachow

I think that we, in our friendship, have an interesting relationship with that. Because even though we’re not necessarily both following this book at this point, there’s accountability between the two of us because we each are running our own businesses, and we live very close to each other. So we see each other every day. And if sitting down and journaling is not your thing, it can be a buddy in your life, a support system, just somebody to hold you accountable. And accountability is something that we’ve talked about before on this show. It’s just not living this fantasy life of ignoring your problems. Because you can’t do that. Nothing beneficial comes from ignoring the difficulties in your life.

Samantha B

I think the most important thing off of what you’re saying is to make sure that you’re doing it daily. If you’re trying to make a change, and you’re just kind of doing it once a week, or you have a friend that you only see once a week, it doesn’t count. Like if you’re trying to change how you’re thinking, you need to care enough to do it for yourself daily.

Ariel Zachow

So you’re very much a tough love sort of person. I think it’s one of the best traits that you have. Because a lot of people can’t do that. How do you find that that translates into your relationship with yourself?

Samantha B

Oh, yeah, that’s tough one because, you know, honestly, it’s interesting, because I do not give myself as much tough love as I should. I’m tough on myself, I wouldn’t say that I give myself tough love. So that’s actually something I look for in other people to give to me, because I’m very much like, I treat other people the way that I want to be treated. So I want people to point things out to me that are going over my head or that I’m not paying attention to. But I’m not as good with myself, I’m just tough on myself. I kind of dropped with the love part of something I’m working on.

Ariel Zachow

That’s a very normal thing. And self image is a difficult thing to sort of get a grasp on. And I think that that’s where outside relationships become really important. Because the way that you talk to me is different than the way that you talk to yourself. And that goes in all directions. And to have somebody who cares about you, for you, with your better interest at heart is going to give you the tough love that you need. When maybe you can’t do it yourself. In a perfect world tou can. You can keep yourself accountable. But this is not perfect. Nobody’s perfect.

Samantha B

I think the best thing to is always to be striving to be better. Like back to the tough love thing. One of the biggest things I struggle with, because that’s my personality is that it can be very abrasive to other people. And so I’m giving somebody tough love because I love them or because I care about them, and then they hate me for it. So then that’s something else I have to counter as well. And I need people to hold me accountable and like say, ‘Okay, ithat might have been a little too far or that’s okay,’ if they can’t handle maybe they’re not somebody that’s intended for my life and what I need.

Ariel Zachow

Well, and there is a fine line between tough love and being a douche bag.

Samantha B

Do you think I’ve crossed that line yet?

Ariel Zachow

I think that everybody crosses that line, but I think that what changes is people’s ability to receive that. So I think that it is also I guess, in your case, because I know you so I know what your tough love version is. And you’re not a douche. So what you’re doing is out of love. And I can look at our relationship and say, ‘No, she cares about me. And I know that she’s saying this because she can see that it’s something that I can’t look at myself and give myself the tough love.’ So that’s what you provide. So be open to tough love from somebody else. It doesn’t have to be an attack. But it may feel like that if you’re living in this bubble of ‘I’m going to ignore my problems and everything’s fine. And everything’s just going to be okay.’

Samantha B

Right. And so actually, that brings up a really interesting point. Because I think that somebody is telling you something you don’t want to hear, and if they’re coming from a place of love, I think you should be really evaluating why you don’t want to hear it. And I think all of this comes down to being self aware and knowing how to communicate with people that you love. Because it can always be too much. And you’re allowed to put up boundaries and say, ‘You know what, I can’t talk about this right now. Like, I understand that you’re coming from a place where you care about me, but it’s too much.’ And respecting each other and knowing yourself worth is what’s going to help guide those relationships.

Ariel Zachow

So you’re giving me this smile right now, because I think we’re both thinking about the same thing. I’ve got this big trip coming up. And it’s a major stressor in my life. And

Samantha B

But at the same time you super want to do it.

Ariel Zachow

Right. And I know that when I’m open to hearing you say the things that I need to be changing about my life and my levels of stress, then you talk to me about them. But you also respect when I don’t want to talk about if I’m just not in a place where I can handle it. You give me the look, and then I give you the other look, and then we talk about something else.

Samantha B

Right. I can kind of see you shutting down and I’m like, ‘Okay, well, there, this is just kind of-I’m going to move on.’

Ariel Zachow

Right. But there is the possibility for that conversation at a later time. There’s no later time. But all of this comes back to the seed of gratitude, right? Because we kind of branched off the topic. But it all starts from the ability to be grateful for what you have, and to have sort of a positive spin on any situation.

“Gratitude really changed your perspective of your entire life…”

Samantha B

Gratitude really changes your perspective of your entire life, it changes your perspective of your relationship, it changes your perspective of where you are, at the point in your life, it changes your perspective of interactions that you have in the future, once you kind of are evaluating those things. It’s, it’s a huge shift. And I think that ultimately leads to an improved quality of life.

Ariel Zachow

It really is a sort of a setting for your mindset. Because if you wake up, like we’ve all have those days where you wake up and you’re like, ‘Oh, this day is going to suck, it’s just going to be a bad day,’ because that’s where your mindset is at. And while it’s unrealistic to think that you’ll never have those days, if your baseline is gratitude and being able to see the positive in any situation, that’s where you need to start. So we’ve talked about 12,000 things, but the baseline the starting point is gratitude. So how do you practice it? Now that you’ve you’ve gone through the book, you don’t do the app just yet,but how does this happen? Because you’ve laid the foundation of gratitude and practicing gratitude every day, what is your routine with it look like now?

Samantha B

So that’s kind of a loaded question. But let me see if I can answer it without extending this podcast to like, a million years. Because I’ve done the book, now I can kind of see myself slipping into those negative thought patterns again, and I can stop and reevaluate. And sometimes I don’t journal as often- I’m not like a big journal person. But I do feel like it helps me when I do it. So like, if I really need to get my head in the right place I will journal if it’s something where I just noticed, like negative thoughts repeating themselves, like stop and think of three things that I’m grateful for. Or I’ll try and see the positive in the situation that’s negative. I also do yoga, and meditation. And when I do meditation, I try and just think of things that I’m grateful for. Gratitude is almost always my mantra of some kind.

Ariel Zachow

So essentially you have coping skills when things are less than perfect, right? But you’ve put in the work. You didn’t just open the book and like, now you’re a guru.

Samantha B

And the work is the hardest part. Because you have to make yourself do it. And you have to care enough about yourself, and about your future to put in the work.

Ariel Zachow

Absolutely. And your situation is really interesting in that respect, because we both struggle a little bit on Long Island. It’s a really interesting place to be when neither of us are from here. So there’s this, I don’t know, maybe that’s why we’re such good friends, because there’s this sort of like, outsider quality that we have together. And we’re both deciding, you know, what do we do given those feelings and, and we don’t sit and just talk about how much we dislike it here or the struggles that we have, although we do that sometimes.

Samantha B

Honestly, that is okay. And it is necessary. Venting is okay. Just knowing when it’s going too far, or when it’s affecting your quality of life.

Ariel Zachow

So we take the time to get out all of the things so they’re not just sitting in us and you know, just making us feel bad. We’ll get them out. But then we can both say, so what are our options? And where do we go from here?

Samantha B

Or what do we like about it? Because yes, like I will say, there are a lot of things I’m struggling with with the culture here. But there are a lot of things I love about Long Island. I love how close to the beach I am I love how closest city I am. And those are the things that I focus on when I’m when I’m struggling on that topic in particular.

Ariel Zachow

Circling back to this idea of gratitude, this book was life changing for you. Right?

Samantha B

Yes. Only because of the exercise it like it created an exercise to help you change your own mindset. And other things might work for other people. Like maybe you just need an accountability buddy. Maybe you just need to write three things that you’re grateful for in the morning in the night, maybe you don’t need the whole book. I would recommend it. It’s only $20. It’s it’s definitely super cheap to to change the way that you see the world.

Ariel Zachow

So what are the most difficult parts for you now, in terms of practicing gratitude?

Samantha B

it’s really easy to slip back into a negative mindset, especially if you’re a ventor. I’m very much a ventor. I get a little witty and people laugh and it’s fun. So it can be easy, though, to have that venting kind of turn into like repeat. And then suddenly your world is spiraling out of control.

Ariel Zachow

So it’s finding the balance between venting and getting all of the bad stuff out, but not letting that be your guide. Any last little tidbits you want to add anything we haven’t covered?

“…you have to care enough about yourself, and about your future to put in the work.”

Samantha B

Um, I don’t think there’s anything we haven’t covered. I would definitely recommend, you know, like maybe having a buddy that you can talk to about these things. It’s really hard to change habits and your life if you’re the only one doing them. So can be really helpful or find a Facebook group or something like that, and just have a community of people that are going to help you shift your mindset and that are working on shifting their mindset to.

Ariel Zachow

Let’s talk about that for a second. Because that that’s often a recommended from my podcast guests- finding a Facebook group. I think that that’s very overwhelming. You don’t have to necessarily look for like a self help group, right? You have a group for your photography clients. There’s also like, I’m part of a bunch of traveling groups. Find something about your life that you like, sort of like your niche little bit and find a group in that. And inevitably, you’re going to find somebody in there that you click with.

Samantha B

Well, not only that, but the right groups will keep a positive attitude. I’m in a million Facebook group yet, but it’s so interesting how polarizing some of them are. And a lot of them depend on leadership. You know, if you’re in a group with a leader that is focused on being grateful, even if it’s not the topic of conversation, it’s going to be a completely different experience than being in a group where everybody just complains about how awful their life is. And I think it’s really important to kind of filter out the negativity in your life.

Ariel Zachow

And you’re allowed to be picky. If you have friends in your life and you don’t feel like you can have this sort of accountability buddy relationship with them, make more friends. You don’t have to look at the pool you’ve got and and pick somebody just because they’re near you, right. All right. Well, thank you. I appreciate you sharing your story. I think this is a good, easy way to get started. It’s an easy way to snowball a lot of things in your life to start to make things better. If people want to follow you on social media or connect with you, where should they go?

Samantha B

Well on Instagram, I am Seaweed And Diamonds. I’m also Seaweed And Diamonds on Facebook. And I do have a women’s only Facebook group. It’s #seayourselffree. Or you can go to my Facebook page and it’s linked there as well.

Ariel Zachow

Perfect. And you so you do photography, but you also travel when you do that. Can you talk about that a little bit?

Samantha B

Right. So I’m just all over the place. Um, so I’m in upstate New York often I also will frequent Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, the New England area. I’m frequent in Florida and I’ve been to the west coast a few times. And I’m hoping for a few more opportunities to go out that way. But sometimes I have pop up events for boudoir and I also photograph elopements and weddings.

Ariel Zachow

Well, you and I have a photo shoot for me in like two whole hours.

Samantha B

Yes. For your personal branding.

Ariel Zachow

So if you are stalking my Instagram and you like my photos, and they’re clearly not like crap selfie that I’ve taken, almost certainly Sam took them, so you should call her. Alright, so thank you again for your time this week and hopefully this was helpful show for you. If you want to contact me You can find me on instagram @compassion.as.my.compass. I would appreciate a review if you’ve got time for it on iTunes or Spotify and never hesitate to reach out and I will see you again next week for our next show.

September 5, 2019 0 comment

Interviews Podcasts

Secrets to Being a Happy Mom with Catherine Wilde

by ArielZachow August 29, 2019

Ariel Zachow

Hello, and welcome to Compassion As My Compass, a weekly podcast all about living yoga off the mat. I’m your host, Ariel Zachow. Each week we cover a new topic and discuss what small, easily implemented things you can do to follow a yogi lifestyle after your physical practice has ended. I am happy to say we’ve got another guest this week. Thank you for joining me today. We are going to talk about secrets to being a happy mom, and that’s something that we talk a lot about on this show, which is funny because I don’t have kids, so I can’t really share my input. But I can see that there’s a lot of pressure to be the perfect mom. And that really the doesn’t exist. You have to find your perfect situation with you and your life. But I would love to start with you telling us a little bit about yourself, so we know who you are going in.

Catherine Wilde

All right. First of all, thank you so much for having me, I’m excited to be here. My name is Catherine Wilde. I am a mom of three, and when I had my first daughter, my first daughter was born and I was over the moon excited. I was so happy. But I also remember feeling overwhelmed. And honestly really alone. When I became a mother, my world was turned upside down in a beautiful but rather messy way. I was tired. I didn’t know what to do. And even though I had read all the books, I wanted to be the perfect Mom. Like you said I was trying to do everything myself. I felt really insecure. And I felt like a failure as a mom. I was sure that if I shared what was going on for me, my struggles and challenges that I would be letting people know that I was a bad parent. So I was really stressed out. I was overwhelmed. I was sleep deprived. I’m sure a lot of the moms can relate to that. And I knew something had to change. So I started to invite self care into my life, and I began connecting with other moms. And I started to feel the peace that comes with knowing that I wasn’t alone and that I didn’t have to do it all alone. I think all moms have those days when we’re so stressed out that we just want to scream into a pillow or cry in a corner. And there’s just some hard days. Motherhood’s a challenging job, you know, and we’re, we’re guiding the next generation of people. We’re taking care of another human life. And we wear so many hats. And we’re on call just 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And it wasn’t until I really started being vulnerable with others and making those connections and taking care of myself that felt a sense of ease, and belonging. And now it feels like a lifetime ago that I was that scared, lonely mom. And our family has grown from my one daughter to three amazing daughters. We’ve had job changes and relocations. And we’ve even started our homeschooling journey. And along the way, I’ve met so many amazing moms that felt just like me. And I have a passion to help them feel not so alone. And to experience more calm and more playfulness in motherhood and in life in general. I like to- I don’t know, it kind of reminds me of the typical high school experience when you’re, you’re in a sea of you know, a lot of high schools are quite large, at least around here. And you’re going to see, like, all these people all physically walking down the hall together, that even though in the same place, I think a lot of them feel alone on their own islands, you know, and they think they, you know- you feel afraid to share what’s going on for you. Because you might be singled out or laughed at. And, and that’s kind of how I felt. Anyway, it’s an exhausting way to live.

Ariel Zachow

What role does community play for you now as a mom?

Catherine Wilde

So we live in like a digital world, which is really nice in a way that you can connect with your family, my family’s all over the world. And so that’s a great way to, to keep in touch with everyone, but I have to be careful not to dilute my friendships, you know? You can have hundreds and even thousands of friends these days are acquaintances, really, you know. And so just having a small group of friends that I feel comfortable sharing my fears with and my struggles with and we support each other, and we check in with each other. And it’s okay to be exactly who we are with those people we can feel safe in that way has helped me so much.

Ariel Zachow

So when did you get to the point where you felt like you could share your fears and your struggles? What was that journey like to being open finally and being vulnerable?

Catherine Wilde

Yeah, so I think it really happened like so, you know, I had my first daughter and I was making it work, you know, I was really stressed out, but we got the things that we needed to get done done in the day. And then my second daughter was born. And it was a lot. It was a lot managing two little kids and, and that’s when I realized, ‘okay, we have to do something. This can’t be what motherhood is like,’ you know, I wanted to have fun. And it felt like it was all work and I had to be super responsible. And now I can be playful with my kids. You know, I asked for help, and I need it. And I found it, people around me are willing to help, you know, when you ask, they just can’t read my mind. You have to ask.

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

Ariel Zachow

So something that I noticed from the outside- And it’s really easy for me to say because I don’t have kids, so I don’t know what the struggles are- But I see that a lot of people with parenting but just life in general, it can be really difficult to ask for help. What was that journey like for you going from feeling like you needed to be totally independent in your motherhood, but going, shifting, I guess, a little bit to being able to ask for help when you need it.

Catherine Wilde

Yeah, that’s a great question. Um, my mom was a single mom, who was an entrepreneur, and she was amazing, she did it all seemingly, you know. And so I think I held on to some of that, like, I needed to be this strong woman and and that maybe asking for help was a sign of weakness. And what I found was asking for help is actually one of the bravest things you can do, you know. It means you know what you need and want, and you’re courageous enough to achieve what you need.

Ariel Zachow

So do you have go to secrets or tips for for being a happy mom?

Catherine Wilde

You know, for me, asking for help is really important. But, but going beyond your relationship with others, it was kind of turning inward for me and looking at my relationship with myself. You know, so you have a, you know, a best friend and you can you can finish each other’s sentences, right, you can see when she’s having a bad day. And I noticed that I, I didn’t, I couldn’t do that for myself, like, I wasn’t really tuned into what I needed and wanted. And so just noticing my thoughts and becoming more aware of that has helped me so much in stepping out of my thoughts and seeing what my inner critic is saying, you know. So I have a couple of things that I do. And one of them is just to pause and breathe whenever you notice that you’re getting overwhelmed or anxious. And you may not catch yourself before you’re doing it because that was a process for me too, but you get better at it, or I got better at it. And so now I can notice as I’m getting anxious before I get upset, and just take a few deep breaths or step into another room. Another thing that I like to do is just have reminders around the house or wear a touchstone like mala beads or something that is physical that can remind you to give yourself some grace, you know, or like a digital wallpaper on your phone or something with it, inspirational staying, or it may be just says ‘breathe’. And one other thing that I like to do is it helps me flip that switch from negativity to positivity is whenever I hear my myself getting into a judgmental sort of mind frame, I try to take a minute to find things that I’m grateful for. And that just changes my perspective.

Ariel Zachow

How much of this self awareness journey is driven by the the thought that your daughters are watching you and learning from you?

Catherine Wilde

So much of it. I’m sure this is true for mothers and sons. I want my daughters to have self compassion and love themselves for exactly who they are and ask for help when they need it. And my vision for my family is to be friends with them when they’re adults, you know, and for them to be able to feel like they can come to me even with the hard stuff. And so that’s been a big driver, a big motivation for me.

Ariel Zachow

Do you talk to them specifically about self care? Or is it just an example that you’re setting through your actions?

Catherine Wilde

Both, I do try to make my selfcare a priority, especially now that they’re getting a little older. My youngest is one and a half and so you know, I can leave her more often and dad can help, but also whenever they do get upset, we talk about what that means, you know. It’s not you really wanted that toy, it means that you needed to take a step back and do something for yourself. And we snuggle and give hugs. And there’s the emotion is sending a message. And that’s what we can talk about, like what do you need right now? What can you do for yourself? So they can start seeing and can be more in touch with what they need, which took me to my adulthood to figure out.

Ariel Zachow

How have you noticed their behavior has changed with this because I don’t think this is something that most parents do. It’s can be very difficult to raise kids. And there’s a lot of heightened emotions and feelings. And so maybe some people are feeling overwhelmed if their child is having a fit or is feeling very upset. So you have this sort of different view of ‘Okay, well, why do you have these feelings?’ So how do you notice that they’re different from children their age?

Catherine Wilde

Yes, I think they feel safe to show me their emotions. But also now that we’ve kind of practice that where they know that there’s something behind their emotion, they’ll even do it for me. So if they can see I’m getting anxious, they’ll come give me hugs, and they’ll say mom needs extra hugs today, you know, that sort of thing.

Ariel Zachow

What do you think is a good age to begin this conversation?

Catherine Wilde

So my one and a half year old does this- when she falls down, she looks at me, she’ll walk over to me and give me a hug, because that’s what she needs. So you can start it from the beginning.

Ariel Zachow

So circling back to community, if someone say they’re very removed from their family, or they’re in a place where they don’t know a lot of people, what’s a good way for them to get started to build the community that they need for support?

Catherine Wilde

I would say if you have young kids find a playgroup. There’s so many moms going through what you’re going through, and they’re happy to be there, you know, for you to lean on them to listen to you. Or, if your kids are older, you might just find a group of moms, they get together for another reason, you know, exercise or hobby. Pretty much every mom can be there for you. And you’ll start to find the ones that you really connect with and can build a stronger relationship with and feel safe talking with.

Ariel Zachow

Have you come across in your experience- I’m not even sure what you would call it. But women sometimes are not super great to each other. I don’t know what it is, but typically women don’t like each other. Is it different in a motherhood setting?

Catherine Wilde

I have seen a lot of judgment too, but what I’ve learned about judgment, and just through my self-reflection, is that is that those moms are probably scared. And, you know, and wanting help too. The things that I judge myself for are the things that I find myself judging others for are things that I judge about myself. So now I have a lot of compassion for for moms that maybe they just need somebody to reach out, you know, maybe they just need those extra hugs today. I think that’s helped me bridge that gap with moms that- it’s also a way to put up a wall, you know, when you’re pushing people away, when you’re judging them and not being this kind.

Ariel Zachow

How do you recommend somebody gets to the point where they feel like they can comfortably ask for help?

Catherine Wilde

That can be challenging. It might depend on their personal experience, what they’ve been through when they’ve asked for help in the past, or whether or not they see it as a weakness. I don’t have a concrete answer there.

Ariel Zachow

It’s a tough one, because it’s very different for each individual. But I do think that it’s something that can bridge parenthood and otherwise. And you totally you hit the nail on the head before- you said that a lot of people perceive it as a weakness. And it’s totally not. Nobody can be everything all the time. Like it would be super great if we could, but getting to the place where you’re able to ask for help, even if it’s, you know, ‘hey, do you mind picking up some apples on the way home?’ Some people really struggle with even being able to do that. So do you do you find yourself as being someone now who has no problems at all asking for help, is it just easier?

Catherine Wilde

It’s still a journey for me, and it’s a lot easier. I read the Five Love Languages book with my husband a while back, and I find that- so his is acts of service. And so when I asked him to do something, he takes that as a way of showing love for me, you know, so that taught me a lot too to see it in that way, right. That him helping me is a way for him to show me love. And it makes it not so hard for me to ask.

Ariel Zachow

And is he totally on board with the- I don’t know if calling it a style of parenting is the right way to phrase it. But does he feel similarly to how you do?

Catherine Wilde

I think we’ve both been on this journey. But yes, we both try to be as compassionate as we can and open with our kids as we can. So yes, I think so.

Ariel Zachow

What are some of the biggest struggles that you face?

“So that is one of the myths I want to debunk is that self care is not selfish.”

Catherine Wilde

Good question. Um, I still have lots of struggles, I’m still learning along the way. I think that’s been one of my big ‘aha’ is that I’m never going to know it all. Like, before I had kids, I read all the books, you know. So it’s like, ‘Okay, I got this.’ And I don’t think you ever have it, you know, you’re always learning and growing. And that’s, that’s part of life. It’s part of being here, I think.

Ariel Zachow

How do you approach the trial and error of it? Because I think a lot of people become very overwhelmed knowing that there’s, there’s no right answer, and you’ll never come to a place where everything’s perfect, and you understand everything. So how do you recommend somebody go in excited and willing to fail and try and find what works for them?

Catherine Wilde

Yeah, I’ve had to take life a little less seriously, and be able to laugh at myself a little bit. Um, so instead of, you know, shutting down and being upset when things didn’t go my way, or I failed at something, I more and more can be like, ‘Oh, hey, that didn’t work out. Let’s see what we can try and do that differently.’ Does that answer the question?

Ariel Zachow

Yes. Is there anything that you would change? Looking back on the journey now?

Catherine Wilde

I don’t think so. I, I feel like I went through what I went through, and everybody’s gone through their journey to learn something and, I wouldn’t change it.

Ariel Zachow

How should someone get started if they’re looking at their life and being a mother, whether they’re a new mom, or they’ve been a mom for a while, and they’re feeling unhappy, and the societal pressures to be perfect, and they can’t ask for help- what’s a good starting point?

Catherine Wilde

You mentioned societal pressures, and we were talking about, like the digital world and social media earlier, I think maybe it’s taking a step back from that and gaining perspective on what what people post. Usually, they’re posting, like, their happy moments and their good side, and they’re not showing you the moments in between where the kids were crying, and there’s food on the, you know, all over their clothes and hair, and you’re not getting that whole picture there. You know? And just to keep that in mind when you feel that pressure to be perfect.

Ariel Zachow

To you, are the difficulties and the growing pains and the trial and error- is that part of being a happy mom? Is it a part of the journey that you can embrace?

Catherine Wilde

Yes, I am more able to embrace that now. I can laugh at myself, and not in a cruel way, but just as like, ‘Oh, that was you know, we can try that again.’ I have so much joy and being imperfect now, and just allowing myself to learn things instead of shutting down. I can be curious, and be open to new perspectives and changes in opinions. Because there isn’t one straight line to follow. There’s so many paths, you know, and you get to choose. And that’s part of the fun of life, I think.

Ariel Zachow

And how do you hope that building the importance of this self care routine will affect your girls growing up?

Catherine Wilde

I hope that it helps them tune into themselves to have unconditional self love and compassion for themselves and others. I hope it helps them make beautiful connections with their friends and helps them see life as a fun, beautiful journey.

Ariel Zachow

And is your self care routine something that you do as a family? Or are there parts that are specifically for you that make you feel good? Do you do those by yourself? Or do you involve your girls? What is your self care routine like?

Catherine Wilde

Okay, um, I do both. I do like to do yoga myself, I like to do a little journaling. Sometimes I like to take a bubble bath, things like that. And then with the girls, we homeschool and I am a yoga instructor with some training and kids yoga as well. And so we do kids yoga as part of our movement and a way to start our day. We snuggle, we read stories together. I tried to make sure each girl gets one on one time with me so that they can tell me about their day and feel seen and heard every day.

Ariel Zachow

And is the self care that you routine that you do for yourself and by yourself, is that something that you think is important to continuing to be a happy mom? The individual personal time?

Catherine Wilde

Yes, absolutely. Part of my self care is meditation and, and that’s helped me so much with connecting with myself and really learning what I need. And we talked about like being aware of my thoughts and judgments of myself. And that’s, that’s where I was able to become aware of that and begin to have more compassion for myself, which helps me as a mom, because I can give myself more grace.

Ariel Zachow

Have you struggled in the past or now with taking time for yourself? That’s something that I find a lot of moms struggle with is taking dedicated time just for themselves because they feel maybe like they’re taking it away from their children. Is that something that you’ve always sort of had down, i just come naturally or is that something you’ve struggled with?

Catherine Wilde

Yes. So that is one of the myths I want to debunk is that self care is not selfish. That was a big ‘aha’ moment for me as well, that self care was one of the most selfless things that I could do. I like the image of the stewardess on the airplane giving the safety demonstration at the beginning of a flight. And she shows you how to put your oxygen mask on and instructs you to put it on yourself before helping anyone else, including your own kids. And that just goes against all of our motherly instincts. But if you consider that if you help your children, or anyone else first, you might run out of oxygen in the process, right, you wouldn’t be able to help anyone. And when I began to look at self care in that same way, it made it easier for me to see that it wasn’t really a luxury, it was a necessity to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Ariel Zachow

That’s really well put, I love that. That’s a it’s a it can be a difficult concept for people to grasp, I think, because in my experience, and in my beliefs, you can’t be the best mom or wife or friend or anything unless you’re taking care of yourself first. And I think that’s a tough thing for people to sort of wrap their head around. So I love that. I’m going to use that. Do you have any last little tidbits you want to add?

Catherine Wilde

I would say your self care doesn’t have to look like 30 minutes in the morning if you don’t have that. Sometimes when you don’t know what your schedule is like it kind of runs on their clock but just the pausing during the day whenever you can and breathing is an amazing way to just add moments of self care to your day. It doesn’t have to be complicated and take a long time.

Ariel Zachow

And if people want to follow you on social media, where should they go?

Catherine Wilde

I am on Facebook as Simply Joyful Journey and on Instagram, @simpljoyfuljou. And I have a free gift for your audience and it’s a self care journal for moms. It’s a seven day journal with simple prompts and quotes inspirational quotes to help you fit little moments of self care into your day. I wanted to keep it simple. It just takes a minute today. And you can find it at www.simplyjoyfuljourney.com/journal.

Ariel Zachow

Perfect. Well thank you so much for taking the time to do this. I love your look on things and your experiences I think are perfect. And I am hopeful that this will be helpful for a lot of people.

Catherine Wilde

Oh, me too. Thank you so much for having me.

Ariel Zachow

Yes, thank you. And as always a big thank you to you as my listeners for spending another week with me here on the show. I really appreciate all of your time. If you have any questions, comments or concerns you can reach out to me on instagram @compassion.as.my.compass or send an email to ariel@compassionasmycompass.com I would super appreciate it if you left a review on iTunes or Spotify or wherever you’re listening if you’ve got a little time or if you have any topics that you would like covered, please send them over to me on Instagram or via email. Thank you again for your time this week and I will see you again next week for another show.

August 29, 2019 0 comment

Podcasts Yoga

Finding Time for Self Care

by ArielZachow July 25, 2019

Hello, and welcome to Compassion As My Compass, a weekly podcast all about living yoga off the mat. I’m your host, Ariel Zachow. Each week we cover a new topic and discuss what small easily implemented things you can do to follow a yogi lifestyle after your physical practice has ended.

Let’s jump right into this week’s topic. I want to talk about finding time or struggling with the balance of having what you need to have for your perfect practice, or your perfect self care routine. And I think it’s worth saying that when I say practice, typically when you are talking in a yoga setting, when you hear the word ‘practice’ , it means your physical yoga practice. And I just want to clarify that when I say that, I mean your entire self care routine. So that could be anything and it’s different for everyone. So it could be things like a physical yoga practice, meditation, breathing, you know, taking time for yourself, going to the gym, going to group fitness or personal trainer- whatever it is that you do to recharge and to feel good. That’s your self care routine or your practice. So just keep that in your mind as we go forward.

I am noticing more and more that this is a topic that comes up quite often with me in my life and with my clients, that we live very much in an all-or-nothing society. And while there are benefits to that, I think somewhere there must be benefits of that, there’s also a lot of danger in that, too. And that’s what we’re going to talk about this week: how do you find the balance of not going too hard and going so crazy about having the perfect practice, but also not going too easy and thinking, ‘Well, if I can’t do it perfectly, you know, I’m not going to do it at all.’

I’m gonna give you two examples, and hopefully they’ll help to give an idea of where you fall on this sort of roadmap of these two extremes. So the first is myself. I had some major burnout over the winter, and you know that the winters are- I don’t like winter. I don’t cope well, and when I get into this burnout phase, rather than looking at my schedule and looking at my self care practice, or whatever you want to call it- instead of looking at it and picking a couple of things that are doable for me, I pick nothing at all. Which is the wrong thing to do.

So that is one extreme of this situation. Looking at where you are versus where you want to be, and knowing all the things that have to happen in between, and saying, ‘You know what, I can’t do all of these things, there’s too many, I’m too stressed out, there’s no time, I’m going to do none of them.’

So there’s one end. And the other is this good friend of mine, I adore this person. They’re super motivated, they’re very much a go getter, and they have amazing qualities. This is a really good person. So before I start to talk bad about their routine, I want them to know, I’m sorry but I’m going to use you as an example.

If you’d prefer to listen to this show, you can do so HERE.

This person does not sleep often, they don’t sleep well. And they’re up very, very early, and they’re in the gym for very long hours, and then they’re right to work, and they’re working, you know, 16 hour days, and they’re raising a kid and, they’re balancing 4 million things.

So on these two extremes, you have somebody who’s looking at their schedule and feeling so overwhelmed that they do nothing at all. And then you have another person who has a very strong personality who says ‘no, I can totally get all of these things done. It’s no big deal.’ But my concern for that person is that there’s burnout ahead, potentially, and your body will start to shut down.

And trust me, they’ve heard me give this lecture to them 10,000 times, so they know how I feel. Neither of these things are good.

One is not necessarily better or worse than the other. But I think it would be helpful for you to see where you fall on this spectrum of not enough and too much.

But it’s difficult, right? When you have a million tasks to do in a day, and everybody does, how do you find the time to do the self care routine that you need to do so that you can be the best person that you can be, and you can be the best mom to your kids or wife to your husband or teacher or co-worker.

Whatever you are, whatever you call yourself, or whoever you are to the people in your life, you have to be taking the time to really, really take care of yourself so that you can be the best whatever to everybody else. The struggle is finding the balance. And that is true I think in every aspect of your life. How do you find the balance of all of these things?

And it’s not easy, and there’s no cookie cutter answer, which I think can be very overwhelming for people because you can go to a professional or 1000 professionals and no one’s going to be able to tell you what works for you. It’s up to you to figure out what that is. And that can be really, really daunting.

Again, me as an example, instead of sitting and figuring it out, I just said, ‘No, it’s fine. I’ll figure it out later.’ And that’s not the right thing to do. So let’s talk about a couple of things that you can do to start to find your perfect balance for your self care routine. And then over time, you can perfect this routine, but know going in that there’s gonna be some trial and error.

Now, that can be really frustrating, but it doesn’t need to be, because the end goal of this is really important. It’s being healthy and happy and feeling good and living sustainably. Not sitting and thinking, You know, one day, this is all going to figure itself out and I’ll be fine.’ Or being the person who says, ‘No, give me 500 more tasks because I’m a beast, and I can totally take them all.’ And then setting yourself up to hit a wall.

Doing a self care practice in little windows of time is something that we’ll talk a lot about on this show. It’s an underutilized skill. I think everybody finds themselves a couple of times a day with a little pocket of time. And I think most people will grab for their phone or they’ll flip on the TV, they’ll scroll Instagram or Facebook or whatever it is, and if you find that that’s part of your self care routine, that’s fine, and you can do those things in your little pockets of time.

But I recommend taking these little pockets and thinking, ‘oh, I’ve got 10 minutes. Let me sit down and do a three minute meditation and then scroll Facebook. Or I’m home for a minute, I’m waiting for the water to boil for dinner, let me do like three sun salutations or a couple jumping jacks just to get my body moving and then get back to to whatever task I have.’ It doesn’t have to be a 90 minute practice five times a week.

It doesn’t have to be that if all you have time for in one day is 10 jumping jacks, and that’s what makes you feel better. If physical movement and working out is your thing and all you have is 10 minutes, do a couple jumping jacks.

A style of cardio that happens in a very short period of time is called Tabata. It’s 20 seconds on, 10 seconds off, typically for four minutes. So look up a Tabata routine or make your own. It’s just working really hard for 20 seconds, then resting for 10. And doing that for a total of four minutes. That’s Tabata. It’s very effective, and if you do it right, and if you push really hard, that’s a full workout in four minutes.

So you don’t have to look at your schedule and say, ‘Well, I have, you know, 10 minutes until I have to leave for work, let me just look at Facebook.’ Instead, take four of those 10 and do something to move your body to make you feel good. And it’s going to give you either a good start to your day or a nice solid reset in the middle of your day. And all it takes is four minutes.

But find what it is for you.

I hate cardio, let me tell you. But if I have 10 minutes, I’ll sit down and put on some music or a song that I really like and use that as a mini meditation for myself. So like all of these other parts of your self care routine, it doesn’t have to be a “full out” version of something.

It doesn’t have to be an entire 60 or 90 minute workout, or 30 minutes of meditation, it can be one minute. Maybe that’s all it takes. And maybe you have the opportunity to find one to five minutes 15 times a day, they just don’t happen to line up together. That doesn’t mean that you don’t have time. That’s it, you just need a little window and you just need to use it effectively.

Maybe you have a little bit more time, maybe you’ve got like 30 minutes. And the option is, again, watching TV, killing some time on Facebook or Instagram. You don’t have to have the thought, ‘well, it’s only 30 minutes, I don’t have time for a full workout.’ Find a 20 minute workout, sit down and find a guided meditation that last 10-15 minutes.

You can allow yourself time to indulge your guilty party pleasures of TV or whatever it is for you, but also be building on this self self care routine in these little pockets of time. So my advice is to take a look at what you love to do to recharge for your practice for your self care, and find mini versions of it that you can fit into your day.

And if you wake up knowing that, ‘Okay, great, when I have five minutes, I have a five minute guided meditation that I can do anywhere. So when I find that I’ve got five minutes, I’m just going to hit play.’ So if you have a plan going in, then you’re set up and you’re ready to go. But don’t find yourself with 30 minutes and think, ‘Oh man, I should totally find a workout. But, you know, Susie’s posted her vacation pictures on Instagram, and I want to stalk them.’

Go in with a plan so that when you find yourself in your little window of time, you have something to do other than kill time, and not be helping yourself. So that’s your first food for thought for this week.

The next is to know that your routine can change. It doesn’t have to be the same thing every day in every situation. So maybe on Wednesdays you have two hours free, typically, and you don’t really know what to do with it. You want a little routine in your life, but it only happens that one day a week. Find something that’s comfortable for you that makes you happy in that one day a week.

It doesn’t have to be seven days a week, or five days a week or whatever. If you have this window, find a personal trainer or find a group fitness class or get a buddy to go with you to the gym. Something to help you fill this time in a way that you know is going to be beneficial for you and your practice your self care.

And knowing that it’s going to be different day to day can be really helpful. Don’t set in stone what you think your self care routine needs to be. Allow it to be flexible. If you know that on one day you have no free time, then maybe you skip that day. Well, I don’t want to say skip it because self care is really important. But if you, on some days, have more time than others, you can do different things.

Keep it interesting. Change it up. Have a bunch of things that you love to do. Know how much time they’re going to take so that when you wake up on Tuesday, you can say, ‘oh, I can do my yoga class at the Y today.’ Before you go out you can say, ‘it’s Friday night. I have 10 minutes between when I’m finished getting ready and when I have to leave, so let me sit down and do a little meditation before I go out.’

It doesn’t have to be the same on every day. Allow it to be flexible. Allow it to change with your schedule, and with your needs. What you need for your self care routine is not always going to be the same. Maybe some weeks you need more meditation. Some weeks you need a little more physicality. Find what works for you and allow it to change as your life is changing.

Another recommendation that I have is find a way to become accountable. Accountability is a really interesting thing. I am that person for a lot of people simply based on my job. So my students, most of them don’t do their workouts unless they come to me because nobody is there holding them accountable.

Nobody is there to say, ‘hey, you said you were going to do your yoga four times this week. Why haven’t you done it?’ There’s nobody there to make you stick to the goals that you set for yourself. And some people prefer to work alone. Some people prefer it to be quiet and personal, and if that works for you, that’s great. But if you think that works for you, and you’re not doing the things that you should be doing, find a buddy.

And can be any number of people. It can be a personal trainer, it can be a gym buddy where you have a set class that you go to every week, it can be just somebody who knows what you’re trying to do. Your mom or your boyfriend or your your boss- anybody you want it to be. Just let them know, so that they can check in and say, ‘Oh, hey, you said you were going to do X Y and Z workout, did you do it?’

And it’s honestly, it’s just pressure to not disappoint those people. Which is strangely really, really good motivation, not letting people down. So find somebody to help you become accountable. And I know that one of the things in terms of finding time for fitness in particular, is going to the gym, because that adds a lot of extra time, right?

You gotta get ready, and you have to look semi put together when you go to the gym, you have to eat your food and get your coffee and find a parking spot and get to your locker and all a million extra things get added when you go somewhere for a class.

And so I’m going to do a little self plug here. I teach fitness in my studio, but I also teach it online. It’s like doing a home workout video, except that it’s live. So if you’re not pushing play on the $90 workout dvds that you bought, nobody’s there to make sure you do it. But with my online classes, and my students who really enjoy it, you get all of the benefits of a group fitness class, but you don’t have all of the other annoying things that you have to do to get to a group fitness class, if you were to do it in person.

So I’m there, I’m holding you accountable, because I know when you don’t show up, and I can see when you’re not working hard enough. One of my long term students- because I’m traveling so often, we’re trying to we’re trying to find the perfect schedule for her and for me when I’m traveling. And we had talked about her doing pre recorded classes, and she said ‘no, I really like that because I won’t do it, because you’re not there holding me accountable.’

So if you like the group fitness idea, if you like the idea of a trainer, but maybe that’s too expensive, or you don’t have a gym, or you just don’t want to go to the gym, but you need somebody to hold you accountable- if you want to try these classes out, if you’re interested, send me an email, and we’ll talk about it.

But know that that’s an option for you. And I’m not the only one who teaches these classes like this. If for some reason you listen to my podcast, but you don’t like me, find somebody else who teaches virtual classes, and it’s the same idea. So let me know if you want to try that, or if you need help finding somebody. I’m more than happy to help.

And finally, another really, really important but totally underutilized thing is writing it in your planner, or in your schedule. If you know that you want something done, and you know how much time it’s going to take, and you’re pretty sure you can fit it into your day, pick a time.

Pick a specific time and a specific day that you’re going to make that happen. If the little windows of time don’t work for you, or you feel like you’ve got that down but you’re wanting to do more, plan it. Schedule it. Make it a priority. Don’t let it fall until the last minute.

When you’re sitting down and looking at your schedule for the week, figure out what self care you’re going to do, how long it’s going to take, and exactly when you’re going to do it. If you don’t spend any time or give this any forethought, it’s never going to happen. And I don’t mean this to be like a little lecture-y, but it’s totally true. For me, if it doesn’t go on my calendar, I don’t do it, because I will find a way to not do it and to pretend like I forgot about it.

And that’s not super helpful. That’s not a good way to have a self care routine. So figure out what works for you and make it a priority. Schedule it. Set a time. Set specificity to it.

Specifically in training, but also in life, you want to set a SMART goal.

S stands for specific. So specifically, what are you going to do.

M is measurable. So in this instance, it’s maybe it’s the length of time that you’re going to do something.

A is attainable. So don’t say, ‘well, this week, I’m going to go to seven 90 minute hot yoga classes,’ because nobody’s gonna do that. Nobody wants to go to seven 90 minute hot yoga classes. So that’s not attainable, do something that’s attainable.

R is realistic. That kind of plays into the same idea, can you realistically accomplish this goal that you’re setting for yourself?

And T is time focused or time based. So when is it going to happen? For what length of time, what day, and what hour in that day? When does it start and when does it end? So set a goal for yourself.

A SMART goal to accomplish these self care things. Know that you can start super small. There is no right or wrong. What works for you is not necessarily going to work for me. And what works for me is not necessarily going to work for the next person.

If you are starting from zero, and you want to get started, find a 10 minute window, find a five minute pre recorded guided meditation and start there and do that one time a week. And when you feel like you are solid with that, bump it up to two times a week and build from there.

Be flexible, allow it to be what works for you, and allow yourself to change it as you your feelings and your life changes.

So I know that my goals this week is to add two sessions of meditation, and they will be 20 minutes long. After I’ve hit stop on this recording, I’m going to sit down and I’m going to write them into my planner so I know that they’re going to get done. And in a perfect world, my self care routine and my practice are much, much, much bigger than that.

But where I am right now, what I feel is attainable and realistic for me is two 20 minute meditation sessions a week. And after I’ve done that to a point where I feel comfortable to move on to the next thing, then I’ll add to it and I’ll add what I feel is appropriate for my next step.

And my crazy friend who’s just go go go all the time, maybe their goal trend can be to sleep a little bit more, or to make sure that they’re getting, you know, let’s say six hours a night. And they’re keeping themselves in that bed, not checking their phone or watching TV, anything like that. That’s an option for them to start.

But find what works for you. Make it a priority. schedule it and be flexible. I hope that this was helpful for you. I hope it’s giving you some ideas.

As always, please reach out to me if you have any questions, comments, concerns. If there’s a topic that you want me to cover, anything- I love to talk with my listeners. I so appreciate every moment you give me. So start a conversation with me. I’m very chatty, and I’m a procrastinator, so give me a reason to procrastinate. You can find me on instagram @compassion.as.my.compass, send me an email to ariel@compassionasmycompass.com or you can find me on Facebook under the same name. Thank you again for listening. I so appreciate it. I will see you next week for our next show.

July 25, 2019 0 comment

Interviews Podcasts

Persistence in the Face of Adversity with Jimmy Clare

by ArielZachow July 5, 2019

Ariel Zachow

Hello, and welcome to Compassion As My Compass, a weekly podcast all about living yoga off the mat. I’m your host, Ariel Zachow. Each week we cover a new topic and discuss what small, easily implemented things you can do to follow a yogi lifestyle after your physical practice has ended. The topic of this week’s show is persistence in the face of life’s limitation. And I’m excited to welcome our next guest, and he’s going to share his story and his journey with all of the speed bumps that life has sort of thrown in his way and what he does to continue to push forward in spite of that. So thank you for joining me today. I’m very excited because you’re my first male guest. It’s been a lot of women so far. So it’s very exciting! But why don’t you start by telling us your story telling us a bit about you?

Jimmy Clare

Well, my name is Jimmy Clare. I run a health and wellness website, geared towards people on the autism spectrum. And I created because I want to educate people further about autism coming from an actual autism kind of person like me. I seen a lot of people who are considered experts and who has a fancy degree and everything, but why not share it from somebody who actually has it, then just an expert opinion.

Ariel Zachow

Now, what caused you to get into this in the first place? Where you going to a trainer and you felt like you weren’t being heard? Or did you just notice that there was like a missing place?

Jimmy Clare

Oh, I think the reason why I wanted to do it is because I started when I started college, I noticed that there was a lot of different things in college and high school and middle school and elementary school, where I got more health and more support. And when I was in college, I find that there’s like, kind of, in my opinion, I feel like there’s kind of like a kind of scam going on in college where there’s like, ‘Oh, well, we want to help you. We want to help people with autism,’ but then when you ask for extra help and everything they say, ‘well, we have to go by the state guidelines,’ and well, like the state knows anything that is best for us, not to get any political anything.

Ariel Zachow

So what has the reaction been like for you?

Jimmy Clare

Um, well, me as my business or?

Ariel Zachow

Yeah, being the voice that that you needed, essentially.

Jimmy Clare

I feel like I’m sticking up for myself and sticking up for lot of people in the community. That we’re just not getting the support that we need. And I feel like I could, there’s a lot of places I could improve upon. I feel like I’m getting there. I even said on my Facebook page yesterday, that one of my, one of the things I really want to change, if I ever got up to that higher level up on the food chain, more people start listening. I mean, like higher up people listening. I would like to change how colleges give people help on the autism spectrum.

Ariel Zachow

How did you get the courage to be sort of a pioneer in this specific industry?

Jimmy Clare

Well, I’m really passionate about health and wellness. And it probably started when I got my, when I started college when I was going for my personal training associate’s degree, which I’m still continuing to get and then hopefully got to get my health and wellness degree in a four year college. And I think that’s why it all came came together and started for me, as I thought it was I wanted to go this route. Because Yeah, like I said, I, I just find that there’s a lot of limitations that you have, you can only get so many accommodations in classes.

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

Ariel Zachow

How has this journey started for you? Was there a specific moment where you knew that you needed to be the voice? Or was this sort of a gradual thing that you’ve you’ve worked your way into?

Jimmy Clare

um, I think it was a gradual way. I just started building up. It started when I got bullied in high school, and middle school and elementary school. And then I had some teachers who, well just one teacher, maybe two teachers at most, who kind of understand my learning challenges. And they thought one way is the best way to teach everyone. And I was like, ‘that that doesn’t work,’ and so it was just kind of a big build up that as like, I’m not getting help from anyone. I asked for help. I didn’t get help. And there’s only been literally one teacher who has been helping me and still is helping me in college. She’s like a mentor to me, encourages me to keep pushing through even at my roughest times.

Ariel Zachow

How do you keep the courage and the energy to keep going when you have so many people turn you down or say no or sort of brush you off? Because I think a lot of people get get really overwhelmed by that, and they will let it defeat them. But it doesn’t sound like you let that slow you down.

Jimmy Clare

Well, there’s some days where, I have to be honest, where sometimes it does slow me down. But then I kind of remember- I try to remind myself every single day that I want to prove all these people wrong. And I just kind of want to see that look on their face, like this picture of my head. Now I just really want to, like prove these people wrong and say, ‘hey, guess what? I’m on the top of food pyramid. Are you still doing a nine to five job?’

Ariel Zachow

When you’re in your studies, and so you’re you’re in school now, do you find that the material is catered towards you? Or do you have to make shifts so that it’s more easily understood by yourself and more applicable to you? How do you make those adjustments? Or do you not have to?

Jimmy Clare

I definitely have to make those adjustments. I have, like I said, one of my teachers I had in seventh and eighth grade, she’s been helping me. Tutoring me. I also get help from my parents trying to understand the biology that I had to go through. I had to take two biology classes this summer, which is always fun. One is chemistry that I never had in high school. So I was like, ‘Oh, this is not going to be that great.’ And so I find that I have to reach multiple sources just to understand the material, some easier than theirs. Technology has come easy for me at times. But biology, some of it has actually been, actually maintaining in my head, which is kind of a shock because I didn’t really care for science back in high school.

Ariel Zachow

Do you find that having to make these shifts gives you a more rounded education compared to your classmates?

Jimmy Clare

Um, not as not very much. I feel like it can, I feel like I have more of like a steep learning curve. So what might comes some easier to others they kind of more like a struggle to me. So what might take somebody like maybe like an hour to to catch on, it might take me three or four or five more multiple hours to catch on if someone is teaching me.

Ariel Zachow

So let’s shift to your fitness routine. Because you have spinal stenosis as well, correct? Can you tell us give sort of like an overview of what that is and what that means for you?

Jimmy Clare

Okay, um, well, I’m no doctor. So I’m going to explain the way I learned from my doctor over time. And he likes to use a lot of fancy languages, but I was like, just tell me to the very basics. And he told me that basically, my vertebrae is basically pushing on my spinal cord tightly, and only get me like, a very few inches, just to turn my neck side to side. But I can’t really turn it all the way to the side. So I had to basically turn my whole body, which is just kind of annoying in my car too. And I also use a big NASCAR kind of rear view mirror, as an attachment is that block at all blind spots in the car.

Ariel Zachow

So how does this translate into your fitness routine?

Jimmy Clare

Well, there’s a lot of exercises that I kind of had to stay away from, like, let me give you an example. They, one of the exercises I had to stay away from is like, I don’t know if you ever have the Superman.

Ariel Zachow

So I’m a personal trainer too. And I’m like, ‘Oh my god, what are the moves,’ cause I know all the moves. And now I can’t think of a single one.

Jimmy Clare

Hyper extensions. I can’t do that, because when I lift up my neck it’s really, really uncomfortable and this puts too much stress on my neck. So I tend to avoid anything that would put too much stress on the neck or anything. And because if I do that, or get into a bad car accident, I could be paralyzed from head to toe.

Ariel Zachow

So is that something that you keep in mind? So, you know, for example, if somebody has a problem with their shoulder, then they’ll avoid shoulder moves. Or if they’ve got problems with their hips, they’ll avoid things that can cause them stress there. Is this something that you use as sort of your guiding- you know, ‘okay, I can’t do this and this and this move, how do I work around it?’ Is that a main focus for you?

Jimmy Clare

Yeah, and also I try before I even like say no to a certain move on move, see if there’s a way I can modify it. Or if I was doing like a Beachbody on demand program, I might look to see what the modifier is doing, and if the modifier still doesn’t work, I tend to skip it and say, ‘you know, I can’t do it. I don’t know any other exercises that I could do instead of that,’ and so I just wait for the next exercise and I scroll right through to like 30 seconds past exercise.

“Don’t let the limitations in your life slow you down. Be persistent. Keep pushing forward, even though the hard times seem to get the better of you.”

Ariel Zachow

I think that’s something really important to reiterate. I find that a lot of people feel like they have to be able to do every single move, and if they don’t do the move then they’re not doing it right. And what gets lost with that is safety. And even if you’re somebody with a, you know, a seemingly perfect body, if there are certain things that you can’t do, and they don’t feel right, you totally should not do them. People lack the ability to say, ‘you know what, this move doesn’t work in my body. I’m gonna move on.’ So how has that always been a trait that you have? Because I it’s so rare, it’s so refreshing.

Jimmy Clare

I was born with it. Unfortunately. I was not dealt with the great the greatest cards of autism, spinal stenosis, knees point in and more. I also had nine ear surgeries for- I basically was deaf in my right ear. And so they put in, I don’t know what they call it. I don’t know the technical stuff, medical stuff for it. But I was like, basically a metal device to help me hear. And I can hear all that. It’s just titanium. Which is so doesn’t set off the metal detectors that the airport. That would be embarrassing.

Ariel Zachow

Um, so you seem like somebody who’s had an immense number of speed bumps sort of thrown in your way, but you don’t appear to let them stop you or slow you down. You seem to self adjust very, very well. How do you suggest somebody who’s in a similar position keep going despite all of the speed bumps?

Jimmy Clare

I would say that there’s always kind of a workaround in there, even if you have to- take a for instance, sometimes, like when I’m in school, college, or when I was in high school and middle school, I needed help. And I wasn’t getting that help, I always went over somebody else’s head. Because I’m coming here to learn, and I don’t have to come here to learn. Except when I was in middle school and high school, by law, I have to go but as I, I want to learn, I need help. Like I said, I need help when I was getting bullied, but it took the principles and multiple other people a thousand times to finally learn that I can’t get- I was even getting hit in the neck by this neck game. And so I told the principal, I told teachers, and, and the principal was the kind of like, ‘uhhh’ and so my advice would have to be to everybody, be persistent, and keep asking for help. And if they don’t get give you help right away, keep annoying them. Because that’s what I do.

Ariel Zachow

Perfect. Any last little tidbits you want to add before we wrap up?

Jimmy Clare

Probably I would say don’t let the limitations in your life slow you down. Be persistent. Keep pushing forward, even though the hard times seem to get the better of you.

Ariel Zachow

Beautifully said. Can you tell me a bit about your website, where people can follow you on social media, all that sort of stuff?

Jimmy Clare

Yeah. You can find my website at www.crazyfitnessguy.com. And you can follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. And if you want to follow Crazy Fitness Guy as well, they have it on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest and Medium. And there’s too many others. If I had to ever redo, if I ever had a restart, I would never do it this way ever again. I was like three or four. But it’s kind of too late for that.

Ariel Zachow

Well, thank you for taking the time to talk with me today. And I really appreciate you sharing your story. I found it very fascinating and very interesting and very inspirational. So thank you, I totally appreciate it. As always, if you have any questions, comments or concerns, you can reach out to Jimmy or you can reach out to myself. You can find me on instagram @compassion.as.my.compass, or send an email to ariel@compassionasmycompass.com. If you like this show, if you have listened to a few or I don’t know, just this one, I guess, I would so appreciate a comment or review. You know, give me a couple stars on iTunes or Spotify or wherever you’re listening to me. If you have any topics that you would like covered that I have not yet, please reach out to me. I’m always looking for new ideas. And I’m always interested in getting more guests on the show, so if you or somebody you know would like to guest, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Thank you again for your time this week. I hope you had a wonderful holiday if you’re one of my American listeners, or just you know, just generally a nice week if you’re not an American listener. And thank you. I will see you all again next week for our next show.

July 5, 2019 0 comment

Interviews Podcasts

Meditating on Big Decisions

by ArielZachow June 20, 2019

Ariel Zachow
Welcome to Compassion As My Compass, a weekly podcast all about living yoga off the mat. I’m your host, Ariel Zachow. Each week we cover a new topic and discuss what small, easily implemented things you can do to follow a yogi lifestyle after your physical practice has ended. I am super excited, as always, for my next guest, and we have a very, very special guest this week. My mom, Christine Zachow is going to join us today. And so mom, hi, welcome. Thank you for coming.

Christine Zachow

Thank you for such a lovely introduction.

Ariel Zachow

So you recently graduated from college? Correct?

Christine Zachow

I did, yes. Took me a long time, but I got there eventually.

Ariel Zachow

So why don’t you start by telling us a little bit about that journey, because that will lead into our topic of the day.

Christine Zachow

For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to go back and get my degree. I think a lot of people can relate to my experience that, that you get going in life, you’re just living, right, you’re taking one day at a time life gets in the way. And I don’t like that term, that life gets in the way, life happens, life does what it does. And if you just allow it to unfold as it does without having necessarily a general purpose, or, you know, when unexpected things happen, or maybe they’re expected and your response is unexpected. Life doesn’t always go the way you you think it will, or where you have planned for it to go. I always knew that I wanted to get married and have children- that was always something that I understood was going to be part of my life. And when that happened, school got put on hold. I think when I was younger, even before I got married and started having kids, I had to support myself. So you know, being able to put food on the table and pay my rent and my utility bills got in the way of being able to complete my degree. So fast forward to my 50th year, and it kind of felt like the stars all aligned for me, if you will, in order that I had this opportunity to finally go back and finish my degree. I enrolled in a program that would take me two years to complete. I work at a location where the education level of the average employee is on average, is PhD and higher. I mean, you know, PhD and much more, much more school, much more education than than the average person. But that’s the environment I’m in every day. So there’s always been this, on top of my own wishing that I had completed that degree earlier, is this, this environment that I’m in that reminds me on a daily basis, ‘You are not educated, you’re not formally educated.’ And when I say educated, I’m talking formally, right? An institution granting a degree.

Ariel Zachow

How much of that do you think is is self imposed?

Christine Zachow

A lot of it, I think a lot of it. You can’t deny my particular circumstances where I work because of because of the people that I work with within their, you know, super big education and the lots of letters and whatnot behind their name, you can’t deny that that is part of it. But for me personally, it’s not the biggest part, the biggest part is a feeling that I just didn’t do it. That maybe I’m guilty of chasing breadcrumbs. So you know, I graduate from high school, and, ‘oh, here’s a job that I can get.’ I had a friend whose father got me my first job after I graduated high school, but it was a part time job. So I did enroll in school and I was more- this is going back a long way so I’m not entirely sure the true details of this. I believe I was enrolled in school full time for the first almost year. But I was working part time because I had moved out of my parents house. I was living with my sister. And we were splitting the rent and utilities and I didn’t have any savings. So I had to have a job to make my bills and be able to live in the city where I was going to school. So I grabbed that bread crumb, right. And then another job opportunity came up where I had two part time jobs. And that was nice to have a little bit left over when all the bills have been paid. So I grabbed that bread crumb. And very quickly, I learned I can’t do two part time jobs. One of them started at midnight and went until 4am. I can’t do that and go to school and keep my grades up and all of that stuff. So unfortunately, school fell by the wayside. And throughout my life, I occasionally went back, enrolled, did it for a while, but then another breadcrumb would fall. And I would look at that and go pick that up. And you know, school was always, always the first thing to go.

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

Ariel Zachow

Was there a point where you felt like you had this dream of completing your degree, but you felt like your the opportunity had passed that it was no longer an option for you?

Christine Zachow

Absolutely, yeah. Because, you know, you get to, for me anyway, I got to about 40 years old, when I thought it won’t do me any good. Why? Why would I go back to school at this point, I have a career, it may not be the career I would have chosen if I weren’t chasing those breadcrumbs, but it is a career, it is paying the bills it. It’s not something I’m necessarily passionate about, but I do like it. It’s not a bad job. It just it served a purpose, if you will.

Ariel Zachow

When the opportunity for this schooling comes up, what is your thought process?

Christine Zachow

For the program that I just finished it? It was just honestly, it was an off handed remark that I made to my supervisor who is a good friend of mine. We get along really well, we hike together, we do things socially, but we also work together really well. And she happens to be at the time she was my supervisor, and I just made this comment, ‘oh, now would be a good time for me to go back to school.’ And she looked at me and she said, ‘Yeah, you’re going back to school.’ She said, ‘the company will pay for it. Why wouldn’t you do this?’ And I didn’t, I guess I didn’t really know that was an option, that the company would pay for it. And when she said that, that just kind of got the ball rolling and I looking back? Well, I can tell you on my first day of class, we went around the room, and our task was to introduce ourselves tell the rest of the class what we do and why we were in the program. It came around to me and I didn’t have a good answer for that. I told them who I was what I did, and I said as far as why I’m in this program, I don’t know how it happened, a ball just started rolling. And it just went and here I am. So I did eventually discover why I was in the program. It was personally, it was it was huge. For me, it made a huge difference in the way I walk through life. So it turned out to be a really, really good thing for me. But I can say, with the exception of knowing that my supervisor wanted me to do it, I don’t think I was ever in it because I thought it would do anything for my career. It has, in a roundabout way, it has because I act differently because of the skills that I picked up in the program. So I’m more of my my own proponent. Since the program I’ve gotten two rather large raises, which was really nice. And I’ve been promoted, my job is now shifting a bit. But that’s not because I have a degree. It’s because I act differently. And I am, I feel, more the captain of my ship.

Ariel Zachow

So you go through and you complete the program. And it’s very challenging, it requires an immense amount of time, but you do it you have the accomplishment, and not long after you have the opportunity to go back right for a further degree.

Christine Zachow

I do. So what came out of the program that I just finished was this really wonderful community. There were 20 of us in our cohort, and we did the entire two year program together, we all started together and we all finished together, which is a little bit unheard of generally, you know, one or two drop out or what have you. But all 20 of us finished and I really loved the feeling of family that I got from that community. As you know, I am me here where I live. My children have moved away, I don’t live near my family of origin. So it was really nice to, to have this two year experience with these people and feel like they truly are my family. So whenever the opportunity arises to spend time with them to, to socialize or do anything, I jump on it. And one of the women that I I see, at least on a monthly basis, mentioned that she was going to an informational meeting about the master’s program at the same school and I found out another person was going. And right after that out that I found out that another one of our cohort members had already signed up for it and was accepted and planning to start in September. So I have this opportunity to go and hear about the masters program. So you got to see the best and worst of me through the past two years as wonderful and growth full- and I don’t know what other word I want to use there just as as much as I got out of that program- it also was incredibly hard. It was stressful. There were times when I was completely elated and times when I was curled up in a ball, just you know doing the fetal rock because I was just overly stressed. You know, I’m doing this all while I’m holding down a 40 hour a week job, right. So you got to see all of that. So I knew that you would have my back. So on my way to the informational session. I called you from the car. And as you’ll recall my words were, ‘I need you to remind me how difficult the last two years were and instruct me not to sign up for anything tonight.’

Ariel Zachow

Yeah, so knowing that it was such a massive undertaking the first time but with a massive reward, talk us through what you did to come to this decision. And you did it in a very short amount of time. You did it in a couple of days so that you could meet the deadline. I think often people are faced with a really, really massive decision and they panic and don’t spend the time to think through all of the options. But you did you actually took the time to do that. So why don’t you tell us what that process was like.

Christine Zachow

Going into it, obviously, I knew something when I made that call to you, right, I knew enough about myself that I was going to get excited about the program. I expected I would look at it and see that it was a good fit. But I also knew that I shouldn’t make a decision in the moment. I know that about myself after years of making poor quick decisions.

Ariel Zachow

So you’re who I get my impulsive personality from!

Christine Zachow

Yes, you’re welcome. You’re welcome. I’m so driving up to the campus. I prior to the call, even at the call, I was pretty sure the answer was going to be no. i i was I’m still recovering from those two years, reward and all, I’m still recovering. And I definitely know that professionally it won’t do much for me. So if I get anything out of it, it’s certainly going to be a personal situation. So anyway, I’m going into it and I’m thinking, ‘I’m really here just to spend the evening with my two good friends. And I’ll be there to support them as they decide to or not to go on this journey.’ So I’m pretty solid that nothing’s going to happen. But I also know myself and that’s why I called you. So I go to informational session, and the director of the program tells us all about it and the whole time I’m sitting there thinking, ‘oh my god. These people sat down and they wrote this program for Christine Zachow!’ It was so appealing to me, it just spoke to me on such a deep level. And we get to the end, we’ve been asking and answering questions, and the director was sitting right next to me. She turns to me, and she says, ‘so Christine, you’ve heard a lot tonight, there’s a lot to digest, but how are you feeling about this program?’ And I just laughed, and I said, ‘You know, I had to call my daughter on the way here because I knew I would get here and be really excited after I heard what you had to say, but I reminded her to remind me not to sign up for anything in the moment. I’m exactly where I expected to be. I’m really excited about it. I think it’s definitely something that I want to do. But I I’m gonna have to take a couple days, and make sure that it’s not just the excitement of this moment. And this is really the right thing for me.’ So the three of us, my other two cohort members and I, went to dinner afterward, and we’re talking and Henry decides that yes, he’s he’s definitely going to sign up and he wants the other two of us to sign up with him. And I said, ‘I’m not saying no, but I’m saying I need I need some time to think about it.’ So that was a Wednesday evening, I got up on Thursday went to work and you called me, you promised that you would and that we would discuss it. And you said some really profound things to me. You mentioned that you reminded me how difficult the two years were and you very gently said, ‘but I know you know that.’ And then you reminded me that I have been somewhat out of sorts since the the program ended. And that I’ve mentioned that I’ve been looking for something to fill that space, to fill that void, to focus on.

Ariel Zachow

A direction.

“It reminded me that even if this is your decision, there have been so many times in my life when when I’ve had other things happening, and I always get good answers when I hike.”

Christine Zachow

A direction. Thank you. Yes. And that really resonated with me. And you said maybe this is it. But you also said maybe it isn’t it. So that was and then you reminded me go hike, ‘you need to go hike Mom, you get your answers when you hike’, and I happen to have Friday off. And I haven’t been hiking because I’ve been immersed in a two year program that took all of my time. I’m really good at focusing on one thing, and really good at letting all of the other stuff around it completely drop because I don’t have the ability to do more than one thing at once. So I got up Friday morning, I thought about it thursday night when I came home, I tried to get quiet and be with myself and my thoughts and just kind of sit with it and went to bed. Got up Friday morning, had my coffee and I was really purposeful about the weekend being about making this decision. So Friday morning I’m sitting with my coffee, just being quiet with myself and thinking about the things that you had said and your words about having a direction just touched me to my core. And I could just really connect with that. And I sat there and went, ‘I’m going to do this program. I’m definitely going to do this program. It’s it’s the right thing. I feel it. I know this is the right thing. I don’t need to hike.’ And then that little voice that is so wonderful inside my head that pops in when I really need it to popped in and said, ‘You really should go hike.’ It reminded me that even if this is your decision, there have been so many times in my life when when I’ve had other things happening, and I always get good answers when I hike. So I thought’ what can it hurt, I’ve got my decision. But let’s let’s go hike. Let’s let’s just go hike. Let’s get some exercise, get some fresh air get out there.’ So I did, I went to a hill that’s not too far from here, it’s about a four and a half mile loop and it’s it’s pretty steep so it makes you work a little bit.

Ariel Zachow

(laughing) It’s excruciating!

Christine Zachow

That’s that’s a strong word.

Ariel Zachow

But accurate word.

Christine Zachow

(laughing) You’re right it is. So I go out and I’m really excited, I get to get some fresh air, the weather is just fantastic. It couldn’t be nicer. It’s not too hot, not too cold. It’s just perfect for hiking, and I get halfway up the hill. And you know, I haven’t been hiking in two years. So I’m breathing hard. And I’m sweating and I’m My legs are screaming at me and my heart is so full. I just, I can’t even describe how wonderful I felt. And I just started laughing because I thought the endorphins have kicked in. You know, this is what it feels like to really be in my body, let it hurt, let it be painful and really joyful at the same time. And my thought pattern shifted. And I realize what I’m looking for with this program, I kept saying to you, it’s not a professional decision, it’s a personal decision. And halfway up that hill when my legs didn’t want to go anymore, and my lungs were at capacity and I hadn’t sweat that much in two years, my soul felt full. And I actually started crying to- see I’m getting emotional, just thinking about it now. And I realized what has been missing from my life is hiking. And we probably don’t have time for me to go into my whole thought process going up the hill because there’s still so much more to this story. But I’m a visual person and I had these visions of the different paths that I could take in my life. And they kept morphing. The further up the hill I got, the more they shifted, and I got to the top of the hill and at the top of the hill you can look over the entire valley that I live in. And I just sat there and soaked it in and and just put myself in this arena of gratitude that I’m here, that the universe has me the universe loves me. And it doesn’t matter what decision I make, it won’t be wrong. So I start down the hill and I’m thankful that I that I made it to the top, that I feel a bit of clarity, that I feel joy in my soul that I recognize- this is all this decision, no matter which way it goes. It’s about feeding my soul. That’s what I got from the hike is that I realized the decision is about feeding my soul. So I start down the hill and I get halfway down, I’m feeling really good, I’m feeling really positive, feeling like I’ve got a direction and my knee starts hurting. And it’s hurting worse and worse. And the closer I get to the car, the more painful it is. And I get to some point and I start to get concerned that I’m not actually going to make it back to the car, my knee hurts so bad. And I do make it to the car, and I have a sigh of relief and I make it home. I can barely walk and I sit down, get the ice out of the freezer and I wrap my knee in the ice and I sit down and I just break down because I think that I’ve come to my decision on the hill that I need to hike to feed my soul, and if I can’t physically hike because of my knee, where am I? And I feel lost again. So the whole weekend was a complete roller coaster. So I sleep with the ice, my knee is hurting, I get up Sunday morning and my knee pops, just pops. And it’s a horrid sound that I’m thinking ‘that should really hurt.,’ and it doesn’t. The pain goes away. It just completely goes away. And I’m feeling like- can I swear?

Ariel Zachow

(laughing) Go for it.

Christine Zachow

I’m feeling like ‘what the fuck? How can I make this decision? Because every time I think I’ve come to a decision, something else comes along and shift for me that tells me what she made the wrong decision. Try again.’ So at this point I’m getting uncomfortable in my skin because I had a deadline to make a decision. I have to come to a decision because there’s an application deadline that I have to abide by. And if I can’t come to a decision in myself, then I’m screwed. So I, I remember this thing that I do when things get really hard, decisions get really hard or situations get to a point where I don’t I really don’t know which path to take. And I decide that I’m I’m going to do this thing. I took this class years ago, and it was simply called ‘focusing’. There is a book out there and I apologize, I don’t know the author, but there is a book out there that that that can walk you through how to focus. The name of the book is Focusing. So I took this years ago, and it has never failed me. I don’t do it as often as I probably should. I think maybe sometimes I get worried with the answer that I’ll get because it’s been so accurate. Sometimes it’s easier to live in denial, right? Or in the not knowing rather than the knowing. Because if you know, then you actually have to act on it. Right?

Ariel Zachow

Ignorance is bliss.

Christine Zachow

Exactly, exactly. So I was blissful. Right. So the best way to describe it, I guess would be meditating. But it’s a way of getting in tune with my body and allowing my body to give me the answer I’m seeking. So I went and I I got in a comfortable, quiet space and got very quiet. And I guess, you know, a lot of people could probably connect it with meditation, how you get quiet and focus on one thing. And so I’m in this space, and I just get quiet. And typically when I do this, I focus on my breath, and I focus on my breath going down into the core of my being, and nothing was happening. And I started to get anxious and and I just remind myself, ‘it’s okay. Everything is okay. Even not being okay is okay.’ And I sat with that until I could be comfortable with that. And I just started asking myself questions. ‘Is it okay to be uncomfortable?’ And I sat with that until it was okay to be uncomfortable. ‘Is it okay not to have a decision about entering the master’s program’, and I just sat with that until it was okay not to have a decision whether I would enter the master’s program. And then I asked myself, ‘what does it feel like in your body? What does it feel like in your body if you don’t enter the master’s program,’ and there was nothing I’d like to say there was a piece about it, but it wasn’t, I wouldn’t describe it as peaceful. It was, it was just nothing. It was whatever I was at that moment. Nothing shifted, nothing changed. Which made me a little uncomfortable. So I had to sit again with being uncomfortable that I didn’t feel anything. And then I asked myself, once I got comfortable with being uncomfortable, I asked myself the question, ‘what does it feel like in your body if you do sign up for the master’s program,’ and I didn’t even get that final word formed in my brain before my body tensed up. All of my muscles were just rigid, my stomach started hurting and contracting. I just started crying. And it was a thankful gratitude type of emotion. It was, ‘there’s my answer. My body doesn’t want me to do this program right now.’ And I attributed that- the feelings, the tension in the stomach and all of that- I attributed that to stress. And as soon as the word stress entered my consciousness, those two years that I just completed just came flooding back. And it was, I don’t know how to describe it- it was such a wonderful experience, because it was painful, and joyful and rewarding. And every possible emotion that your body can feel was present in that moment. And I knew that was my answer. ‘I am not going on to the master’s program. Right now.’ I’m not comfortable saying I won’t ever do it, but now is not the time. Believe it or not, there’s actually even a little more to this story. So I finished that session, I thank my body for talking to me, I thank myself for allowing myself to get comfortable with discomfort and got up and kind of did a check in, away from being so quiet. And there was still a little bit of discomfort in my decision. And I went about my day and did a couple things and about an hour hour and a half went by and I just couldn’t shake the feeling. So I sat down and got quiet again. And I just I I went inside, you know, within myself said, ‘what is it that is uncomfortable about this decision? Because I’m pretty sure that the answer- I’m like 99.9% sure that the answer is not to do the program. Why is there still discomfort attached with this?’ And my mind shifted back to a conversation I’d had with a friend of mine about about the program and trying to make this decision. And that friend had asked me how much of your decision, you know, if you sign up for it, how much of that decision is based on your want to have a higher education? Considering where you work, you know, considering the high level of education of the people around you how much it is based on that? And this conversation happened a couple days prior. And I said to him, very quickly, I didn’t have to think about it. I said to him, none, none of it is or if there’s any various very little, it’s a personal decision. It’s very personal to me. And when I quieted myself on Sunday, that’s what I flashed back to was that conversation and my body very lovingly told me, ‘it’s ego, Christine, that discomfort you’re feeling is ego, you’re disappointed, your ego is disappointed that you can’t go back to your work and say, I’m getting my masters or I have my masters.’ And as soon as I could identify it, it fell away. And I am now very comfortable in my position in my body in my decision. I am not going back for my masters in September.

“It’s about feeding my soul.”

Ariel Zachow

So if someone listening is facing a very specific decision like this, a very big, very specific decision, what are your recommendations for where they should start?

Christine Zachow

Breathing. Start with breathing. If they’re comfortable with meditation, if they’ve got any any sort of idea about meditation, and I certainly am not a meditation guru by any means, I have my own what I call meditation, I don’t know if anybody else would call it meditation, but mine is just going within trying to, to let my body talk to me. So I have a really strong belief that our bodies know what’s best for us, we just have to get to that answer and shut the brain off, or at least allow the body to speak louder than the brain. So if they can quiet themselves and focus on their breathing, I can kind of describe what it feels like to me- So what I do is I go where it’s quiet, where it’s dark, where I can get comfortable, sometimes I’ll lay down, sometimes I’ll sit up, just depends. I don’t want to fall asleep because I do get really relaxed during this, I tend to close my eyes were the class that I took on it years ago, they actually had you focus on a spot on the wall or on the carpet or something like that. But I tend to do better if I can close my eyes. And I just visualize my breath. And I breathe in, and as I breathe in there’s a ball of energy. So this ball of energy I breathe in, it’s sitting in the back of my throat. And as I breathe out, that allows the ball of energy to travel down, and I breathe in again and it stops. And when I’m ready, I breathe out and it travels down further. And I try to get it to my solar plexus. And once it’s there, there’s a shift in my body, I just, I feel all attention is there. I feel like my breath is focused, my feelings are all focused there. It’s a little difficult to describe. So it’s sitting there, and I just sit with it until I my body feels comfortable with it being there, that it doesn’t shift when I breathe. It’s comfortably nestled right there. And then I just start asking myself questions. When I took that class, the first question they had us ask was, ‘is there anything in your life that is keeping you from being 100% happy right now.’ And I try to shut my brain off. I don’t want my brain saying, ‘Oh, yeah, I’ve got work on Monday, I’ve got that big project going. My kids don’t live near me.

Ariel Zachow

Always with the guilt trip, after all this time!

Christine Zachow

(laughing) I know. I just thought I’d throw that in. But I try not to let that- I want my body speak to me. And usually it comes in as an image of just, there’ll be an image float, you know, across my consciousness, or however you want to describe it. And I then I will take that, and if it’s something that’s uncomfortable, then I asked myself, is it okay to be uncomfortable with this particular situation, and I just I, I pictured myself sitting on a swing, you know, like an outdoor swing like a bench swing. So there’s room next to me, and whatever that thing is that’s making me uncomfortable, I let it sit on the swing next to me. And I just sit there and swing until the discomfort is gone. And then I can move further. And typically when I get to something that’s significant- the class that I took called it a self shift, and the best way I can describe it is my body just it shifts. I experienced a big sigh of relief, if you will, then I know I’m getting somewhere. So I would I would recommend that if people are looking at making a decision, you know, a big life changing decision, they just go sit on that bench with their options sitting next to them and see which of those options speaks, you know, is louder, and just engage with it.

Ariel Zachow

But also after the decision has been made, maybe allow room for that those feelings to change. And for that to shift. It doesn’t have to be once the decision is made its permanent, or set in stone, there should be flexibility to it.

Christine Zachow

Absolutely. Absolutely. And that was why I tried to go back into it when I was noticing I was still having discomfort. I was thinking ‘Gosh, I’m sure my body told me no, but why do I still feel uncomfortable? Maybe I should go revisit that?’ And wouldn’t you know, it wasn’t that the decision needed to be shifted, it was just that that that other aspect wanted to be acknowledged.

Ariel Zachow

Any last tidbits you want to add?

Christine Zachow

Oh, I knew you were going to ask me that.

Ariel Zachow

(laughing) You don’t have to have any!

Christine Zachow

No, I do! It’s it’s reiterating what I’ve already said, you know, trust yourself. I did a lot of asking, I ran it by a lot of people I talked to you about it, I talked to a good friend of mine about it. I purposely did not talk to the woman that got me signed up for the the BA program because I didn’t want the ball to get rolling and not not be in charge of it. But there are lots of things you can do. Maybe, you know, this is how it works for me, maybe for other people it works better if they have a sounding board and they go and talk. I kind of like to use all of those things. I like to have a sounding board and do my homework that way. And I like to go to those informational sessions and find out about as much of it as much as I can. I had a pros and cons list on this one, which I don’t always do. This one seemed like such a big one that I should. But the problem with it was the pros and the cons were balanced with me there was no shift. There was no heavier weight on either side. They were very well balanced. Trust that you have the answer. And when it comes to you, it’s the right one. And if it doesn’t feel right, revisit it. You are the captain of your own ship. And you do have you do have your answers.

Ariel Zachow

Well, thank you for sharing your story. I know that this is a very, very big, important thing in your life. And often people are facing big decisions, but maybe they have no idea what to do or how to go about making those decisions, and often they feel alone. So I’m hopeful that your story is given a little inspiration to those who need it. So thank you.

Christine Zachow

Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to share in this forum.

Ariel Zachow

So thank you again for sharing your story. Thank you for those that are listening. If you have any questions, comments or concerns, you can find me on instagram @compassion.as.my.compass or send an email to ariel@compassionasmycompass.com and we will see you next week for our next show!

June 20, 2019 0 comment

Interviews Podcasts

How to Live an Eco-Friendly Life

by ArielZachow June 4, 2019

Ariel: Welcome to Compassion As My Compass, a weekly show all about living yoga off the mat. I am your host Ariel Zachow. Each week we will cover a new topic and discuss what small, easily implemented things you can do to follow a yoga lifestyle after your physical practice has ended. I am joined today by Brittany Boyer. Brittany is an artist with a love for making things by hand. She began to educate herself on environmental issues while in college. She has always been passionate about repurposing and reusing. She is now involved deeply with the zero waste, eco-friendly community and will be sharing her story with us today. So Brittany, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me. I am really excited to have you here!

Brittany Boyer: Thank you so much for that introduction and I am so excited to be doing this with you guys and sharing a little bit about what zero waste is and why it is so important.

A: Yeah, I think it’s something that’s gaining a lot of popularity right now but it’s one of those things that’s new enough that people have heard of it but they don’t really know what it is or why it’s important. So I would love for you to sort of start from the beginning and tell us a little bit about your story and your journey with all of this.

B: Sure. So I mentioned a little bit that it started while I was in college, but it began I think even earlier than that. I actually grew up in rural Indiana, and for a while there my family and I grew up on a small amount of land with a small farm. It was more like a hobby farm. We had a couple of horses and things like that and the closest grocery store like a Walmart was 45 minutes to an hour away. And so my mom was canning things, we were making things from scratch, we were growing things in our garden. And I spent most of my childhood there outside, and I think I took all the values with me all the way to college. So once I got to college and began doing my own grocery shopping and began living on my own, I still went to farmers markets and I got friends to go with me, I tried to bring my own bag and try to use up everything that I could. Now whenever my spouse and I moved to Fort Wayne, Indiana I kind of lapsed on that a little bit and it was kind of like a wake-up call. I remember sitting watching documentaries and being like, “oh my goodness. I have completely forgot my roots and where I’ve came from and what I’ve learned.” And we had this beautiful townhouse but it was filled to the brim of all of the stuff and I was trying to find eco-friendly ways to minimize the amount of stuff that we had. And it really helped me kind of get back in touch with what I grew up with and what I was passionate about.

A:Now for those who maybe don’t know can you give us- and I know that a lot of definitions are different for different people- but in your opinion and for you, what does zero waste and what does an eco-friendly lifestyle mean?

B: I think that there’s a lot of complex answers for that for different people. For me, personally, it means trying my best to reduce the amount of waste that I create as an individual. That can also pertain to my family, but I think the important part of that is that I have the privilege and the ability to do that based on my socioeconomic status. And a lot of people don’t have that opportunity and I think that’s where a lot of people get overwhelmed and get Confused with the zero waste or low waste community. I have the ability to pay more for my groceries that don’t include plastic. So if I want to- and Trader Joe’s is not super expensive- but I go to Trader Joe’s. Or I’ll go to an Earth Fare or a Whole Foods and I have the ability to shop there. And I think that that is difficult for a lot of people if they are in food deserts or if they are in a financial position where they can’t afford to pay more. So I think that the important definition is that low waste and zero waste or an eco-friendly lifestyle is different for every person. But what matters is that every person is doing it to the best of their abilities.

A: I love that. I think a lot of people get trapped in the name of something. So my husband and I are vegan and people get so hyper focused on, “I could never do that because that means I have to do X Y and Z” or if you follow a paleo diet or if you’re just eco-conscious in general, it doesn’t have to be textbook. It can be what works for you and nobody is perfect but the goal is to reduce our footprint. It doesn’t have to be this massive, totally overwhelming life change.

B: Yeah and my spouse and I are not vegan at this time- we have other dietary restrictions that if we were to go vegan we would have to be completely raw plant-based and we aren’t ready to take that step yet. But what we do as part of my definition to live with a zero waste as possible is that we only buy meat from local farmers. So therefore four or five, well probably three or four of my meals out of the week are actually vegan. We make with tempeh or tofu or things like that. And I also love going to vegan restaurants because they are more eco-friendly. And I don’t know if you’ve ever made homemade vegan mac and cheese but that is actually one of my favorites. I do have a dairy allergy and so we don’t do any dairy products. My wife has a gluten and dairy allergy so we also don’t do any gluten in our house. So we would only be able to have fruits and vegetables so we’re not ready for that step yet but it is a future goal for us later on.

“For me, personally, it means trying my best to reduce the amount of waste that I create as an individual.”

A: It’s interesting that you say that, that’s totally one of my goals as well and this I think goes back to what I’m saying- even though you and I are following sort of in our own ways our eco-friendly lifestyles, we look at something like raw vegan and think, “oh I could never do that because it means I have to be x y and z and already we’re already falling into this trap of no you don’t have to be you don’t have to be perfect in these things so it’s sort of funny that we’re already there. So what are some things that people get wrong about the sustainable lifestyle?

B: I think somethings people either get wrong or don’t think about is buying new things to start your zero waste journey. And what I like to focus on is-and I believe you could probably call this a saying or mantra. It was really popular during the great depression. I would have to research it more to validate that, but it was, ‘Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without.’ So my first steps along my zero waste journey was actually using up the items that I already had instead of just throwing them away and buying something new. And I think that’s where people get confused because green marketing is really, really popular right now because people are buying things they think are eco friendly. But if you have something that works, use it until it doesn’t work anymore. Or find a way to repurpose it. I think that’s one thing a lot of people are missing out on..

A: If somebody is looking at this lifestyle or they’re listening to this podcast and they think, ‘okay, she’s making this sound easy to do and rewarding,’ what are some good places for somebody to start, regardless of their economic status in terms of, you know, maybe they don’t have a farmers market or they can’t afford something like a whole foods. What are some good actionable things that people can do today?

B:I think that there are several things. I wrote a small blog post about something like this. But the first thing I recommend people do is washing your own dishes, instead of using disposable ones if you have the opportunity to. That’s a big one. If you think about all of the coffee cups we throw away, all of the plastic forks, utensils, plates-washing your dishes can be a huge one. Another one is switching out the paper towels. You have old t-shirts that you can cut into rags and clean with. Or if you have regular towels that you can use to clean up messes. I know that that was one of the first steps that my spouse and I took whenever we started transitioning back to this lifestyle. Another one is really just bringing your own bags. I find that the plastic bags and the paper bags don’t last as long anyways, so if you’re having to take a bus to the grocery store, if you’re having to bike, bring your own bags can make your trip easier. I’m hoping to get some tutorials up on my website soon about how to turn either old t-shirts or scrap fabrics into reusable bags, either by hand sewing or sewing machine, whatever you have available to help with that as well. But I think those are the 3 first steps that people can take today. And a fourth one, if you’re feeling really courageous, is just saying ‘no’. And that’s something that a lot of people have a hard time doing. So if you’re out somewhere and you’re like, ‘I could get myself a coffee as a pick me up,’ you could just say ‘no’ and not create the extra plastic if you don’t have your reusable container or reusable mug with you. I found that that was one of the hardest and most life changing ones at the same time. That’s a big step right there.

A: Do you have a go-to bag full of a coffee cup just in case or reusable water bottle? Do you keep a sort of arsenal of things that, in the event that you’re in a situation like that, you’re prepared?

B: Yes and no. I have a bag that I hand made that I keep in my purse that has metal straws, it has a fork, knife, and a spoon, and it has a towel in it so I can wipe down my forks, knives and spoons until I get a chance to get home and wash them. And I also use it to clean up messes instead of using the paper towels that are at a place. I am working on saving more money financially so I do not keep a coffee cup in my care because I know I will buy coffee. I have this rule that I’m only allowed to buy coffee if I have my reusable cup, so I removed my reusable cup on purpose.

A: Oh, that’s sort of genius! That’s a really good way to do it!

B: I do have a set bag that I always take with me to the farmers market. It includes off of my other bags and I have specific bags that I use for produce as well as if I’m going grocery shopping because I do not use the plastic bags that they give out in the produce sections. Those are actually made from old t-shirts.

A: Oh, that’s great. So you said that this sort of started for you as a child, so it was very much a part of your upbringing. Do you, now that you’re older and living more on your own and you’ve sort of moved around a bit, do you get push back from friends or family?

If you’d prefer to listen to this show, you can do so HERE.

B: I do from time to time, but not in a negative way. It’s more just that people don’t understand the definitions that I”m using or I will bring appetizers and I will say, ‘this item is vegan’ and then they’ll be scared to try it. I do get some pushback if I go to gatherings or events and a lot of people jokingly say, ‘Brittany, don’t kill me! I brought plastic forks!’ and then I try to provide them alternative resources, but not in a condescending way. And I think that’s the most important part. We don’t want to draw lines and divide people based on whether or not they are trying to be zero waste. What we need to do is open our minds up and try to communicate with them in a welcoming way, that way they’re more likely to help us. So now whenever I go to places people are like, ‘look, I’m not taking my straw!’ or if I am going to a dinner party people will also say, ‘oh, well, I didn’t put milk in this’ or ‘I didn’t put these items in this so you can actually eat it’. So now that I’ve started a positive dialogue, I’ve received a positive dialogue back. But I have had some pushback before. But I think education is the most important part. And being positive with the people you interact with and not building those walls is going to be very impactful in communicating with a larger audience.

A: I could not agree anymore with that. It’s something that I deal with a lot where I just do me. I just do what makes me feel good and what I think is my best way to have as little of an impact. And if people want to ask questions then they can ask questions, but I think people get very uncomfortable because they think that if they’re not following the same principles as you are, that you are judging them or you think that they’re wrong or that they should be doing something differently. But really it’s: do what you can do. And if you need to start super small, then start super small. Because doing a little tiny something is a lot better than doing nothing.

B: Exactly! You’ll see that a lot with our political divide right now. If you’re not following, it’s my way or the highway, and that’s not what it’s like for me. It’s: here, let me show you how I’m doing something and you can take this with a grain of salt and see if it’s something that works for you or for you and your family. And then if it doesn’t, let me know and I can help you with some alternative resources or some other ways to do things. And I think that another important part is that this whole zero waste, low waste-it’s not a zero to one hundred. I started with just getting rid of paper towels in my house. And then it was making sure that I brought my reusable bags. And sometimes, even now, I forget them. I’m not perfect. And then our next step was trying to buy more locally and the step after that was, once we bought more locally, we wanted to be able to format our personal household budget to where we were only buying specific items from local farmers. Now, after that, we’re trying to buy with as little plastic or packaging as possible.

A: That is so hard!

B: It is! It is so hard! Because yesterday I had to work and so I couldn’t go to the farmers market. As a salaried employee I can’t tell them, ‘oh, no, sorry, this is not my scheduled time, so I have to go to the farmers market and go shopping.’ It doesn’t work like that. So today I had to go to Trader Joes and I bought broccoli and green beans and unfortunately a lot of those things come in plastic. So it’s all about a journey and doing what you can do. And there are some weeks that I do a thousand times better than others and there’s also growing seasons that really impact the amount of waste that I generate. Summer, especially in Florida, I’m thinking end of our growing season, so really June, July, before everything just melts in the Florida heat, I create a lot less waste because there’s more things available at the farmers market. Whereas in August, September when it’s so hot and even the tomatoes are dying and everything else, I’m going to create more waste because I still have to be able to feed my family.

A: What are some of the biggest challenges you face?

B: Some of the biggest challenges I face is zero waste guilt, or low waste guilt, which I don’t think a lot of people are talking about right now. I am so passionate about this that I’m making art about it, that I’m getting involved in the community and so whenever I do forget my reusable bags or I have to go to Trader Joes instead of the farmers market or somewhere else, whenever I do have to buy something in plastic it almost hurts my heart a little bit, and I feel like I’m not doing as good of a job as I could do. That’s one of the biggest challenges that I’m facing right now. Another one of the biggest challenges is seeing waste around me and not being able to do anything about it. Going to work and seeing other people bring items, and we can try to talk to them as much as possible, or provide them with options, but everybody has to start their own journey at their own time. That can be hard for me, as well, to make sure I’m creating that positive dialogue.

A: Yeah, I think it’s this desire of wanting to be perfect and wanting everyone to be perfect but also knowing that you would never necessarily tell a friend who is interested, ‘okay, but you have to do all of this and be perfect all of the time,’ but when you look at yourself, it’s difficult to allow yourself a little grace to say, ‘I’m doing really, really well and I’m doing the best that I can and sometimes it doesn’t work out,’ and to allow that to be okay is much harder to allow yourself a little leniency that way, than it is to give to somebody else.

B: Yeah, and since my spouse and I work full time there’s huge steps that we could take if we had more time. There are some weeks that I go and get my dried beans and make hummus and make all these things, or I’ll make my own almond milk, and alfredo, and things like that. And then there’s some weeks that I work overtime and I end up working 50-60 hours that week, and I don’t have time to prep all of these things to make sure that I am doing the best that I can. So it’s a give and take.

A: How have you found this changes your art? Because I actually had this thought last night, I was making some t-shirts for some of my clients, and I sat there and looked at all of this waste that I was creating for this little craft project. So how has this changed how you explore art and the things that you’re using to create your artwork?

“Some of the biggest challenges I face is zero waste guilt, or low waste guilt, which I don’t think a lot of people are talking about right now.”

B: It is drastically changing my artwork. Whenever I was in college and working on my BFA, so a BFA with a focus in graphic design, and while I was in college I was more focusing on feminism and the LGBT community and things like that, and all of that is still very, very important, but since starting this journey, I have realized the amount of textile waste that we make. And the average person, I believe it’s somewhere, whenever I looked it up for a research project, it’s somewhere that the average individual throws away between 40 and 70 pounds of clothing a year. And we wear the average piece of clothing seven times before throwing it away. And that’s all research that’s on my blog and in one of my blog posts. But that overwhelmed me. Me as a striving minimalist, making recycled textile fine art, that just made me stop and gasp. So it’s overall affecting my art because my art shifted from making things on paper and making things on canvases that I bought with paint that I bought with brushes that I bought-all creating more waste, because buy, buy, buy- now I am using found items. I have found a whole bunch of canvases sitting out in front of a dumpster where someone had moved out and was going to throw away. I have found pounds and pounds of clothing that, if the clothing is still functional and usable, we donate it to homeless shelters, women’s shelters, things like that in our local community. But if the fabric is no longer usable, I am cutting it and using the scraps to use as fabric dye pieces, kind of like you would have fabric swatches, to see what works and what doesn’t. I’m also using my food waste to dye all of these fabrics. So I am using onion skins. A lot of people ask me about avocado peels or the pit. I haven’t done those yet because I don’t a lot of avocado. I’m not an avocado fan. I know. I’m horrible. If you hide it in something, I’ll eat it, but I can’t get past that texture.

A: That’s funny. If I could live only on avocado I totally would, so I eat enough for both of us, don’t worry!

B: I can do the avocado ice cream with the cocoa powder or the cacao powder, depending on what you’re into, but I can’t get behind the plain avocado. I use onion skins. My spouse and I drink a lot of herbal teas, and so I’m able to use the tea leaves and things like that. And then, also, with Mother’s Day coming up I had some flowers that I dried and dyed with. So I’m using my food waste in a whole ‘nother way and I just started, within the past week, using those dye baths that I made for the fabric, and now I’m using them as paint. I also bought brushes at The Repurpose Project, which is a local non-profit to Gainesville, where I live, that takes discarded materials and resells them. So everything about my art, well not everything, I guess I can’t say 100%, but I would somewhere between 75 to 95% of my artwork is from recycled materials. There are some specific pigments that are made from clay or earth bound materials that I do use, such as yellow ocher is one of my favorite colors to paint with, but I’m hoping to find a way using turmeric to replace those eventually. I have not gotten that far yet though. Once again, it’s a journey. I apologize if that was a little bit of a tangent, but this whole process has really shaped the way that I work as an artist, or as a maker, with recycled textiles, recycled paint and everything. I currently have a show up in downtown Gainesville for Arts Walk where I am featuring all of this. I made two six foot tapestries from recycled fabric and I dyed them with food waste, including blueberries and onions and things like that. I’m also trying to bring light to the amount of textiles and food that we as average americans waste.

A: Tell me the dates for that?

B: It is up right now, and my closing night is May 31st, 2019.

A: Before we finish up, is there anything else that you want to cover, any little tidbits you wanna finish off with?

B: I wanna finish off with a note of encouragement for everyone that is listening. Any small step forward matters. And any step that you take to make a difference is a positive step. Don’t be so overwhelmed by all the steps aren’t taking, and focus on the ones that you are taking. And I think that that is the best positive impact that anyone can make. Because any forward momentum is better than none. And I think that is something that we can all strive towards making that forward momentum towards low waste or zero waste. Remember that every time you purchase something, you’re voting with your dollars. So if you are able to purchase something that has less plastic, or you’re able to buy from a local farmer, then do your best to do that. But we can only do what we are capable of doing.

A: Beautifully said. I love that. Tell me your website, your instagram-where can people find you?

B: I started a passion project, it’s called Eco Stitch and Cycle. I take recycled textiles and make fine art for every day life, including unpaper towels, makeup wipes, things of that nature, along with fine art. So you can check me out on instagram at ecostitch_and_cycle or you can find me at www.ecostitchandcycle.com You are always welcome to check me out on Facebook, too, my name is Brittany Boyer.

A: Well, thank you, Brittany for joining me today! I hope you, my listeners and readers have gotten as much out of this as I have. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to Brittany or myself. You can find me at ariel@compassionasmycompass.com or on Instagram @compassion.as.my.compass and my podcast is under the same name across various podcasting platforms.

June 4, 2019 0 comment

Living yoga off the mat

Podcasts

Self Care on a Larger Scale with Claire Lee

An interview with Claire

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

“Don’t compare you to other people. And like if you if you have something that you’re interested in, just pursue that goal. And just find a way to do step by step.”

Self Limiting Beliefs with Monica Frederick

An interview with Monica Frederick

If you’d prefer to listen to this show, you can do so HERE.

“…we all have that sense of trying to find our own inner self worth.”

“And so that’s what I realized. That I wasn’t the only one.”

“You can do something good with your life. You can have meaning in your life.”

“…you have to have a clear vision that’s stronger than the negative person in your mind.”

Practicing Gratitude with Samantha B

Practicing Gratitude with Samantha B

If you’d prefer to listen to this show, you can do so HERE.

“Gratitude to me is actually your perception of what you have.”

“Gratitude really changed your perspective of your entire life…”

“…you have to care enough about yourself, and about your future to put in the work.”

Secrets to Being a Happy Mom with Catherine Wilde

An interview with Catherine Wilde

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

“So that is one of the myths I want to debunk is that self care is not selfish.”

Finding Time for Self Care

If you’d prefer to listen to this show, you can do so HERE.

Persistence in the Face of Adversity with Jimmy Clare

An interview with Jimmy Clare.

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

“Don’t let the limitations in your life slow you down. Be persistent. Keep pushing forward, even though the hard times seem to get the better of you.”

Meditating on Big Decisions

An interview with Christine Zachow

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

“It reminded me that even if this is your decision, there have been so many times in my life when when I’ve had other things happening, and I always get good answers when I hike.”

“It’s about feeding my soul.”

How to Live an Eco-Friendly Life

An interview with Brittany Boyer

“For me, personally, it means trying my best to reduce the amount of waste that I create as an individual.”

If you’d prefer to listen to this show, you can do so HERE.

“Some of the biggest challenges I face is zero waste guilt, or low waste guilt, which I don’t think a lot of people are talking about right now.”