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Interviews

Self Care on a Larger Scale with Claire Lee

by ArielZachow September 26, 2019

Ariel Zachow

Hello, and welcome to Compassion As My Compass, a weekly podcast all about living yoga off the mat. I’m your host, Ariel Aachow. Each week we cover a new topic and discuss what small, easily implemented things you can do to follow a yogi lifestyle after your physical practice has ended. Self care is something that we talked a lot about on this show. It’s really important. And what I’m hoping you see as you listen to these episodes and these different shows is that self care can be very different for every person. So it’s really a matter of finding the self care routine that works for you. And I think a lot of what comes to mind when we talk about self care is, I guess, smaller, like normal day to day things- sitting and reading a book, going for a walk, having a glass of wine, meditating, things like that. But I think that it’s important to be said that sometimes your self care routine needs to be much, much bigger than that. It can be scary to think of it on a much grander scale, but this week we’re going to talk to Claire, and she’s going to tell us about how she took her self care routine on a much grander scale by moving countries and coming to the United States at a young age. Welcome, Claire, thank you so much for joining me today. Why don’t we just dive right in and you can tell us your story.

Claire Lee

Okay, so I’m going to go ahead and start from coming to United States in the age of 14. So I came to US at 14 and I went straight to boarding school. And I stayed in boarding school for about like five years until I graduated high school. And coming here was totally hundred percent my decision. And I was excited and nervous at the same time.

Ariel Zachow

Where did you come from?

Claire Lee

Oh, I came from South Korea. And I mainly, like the main reason I came was because all my cousins were already residing and US or Canada. And I was always interested when I was young, and then after seeing them or going to summer school with them, I realized this is so much fun, like just compared to like, what I was living in Korea. I’m not like saying anything about Korea, it’s just like, the classroom style, the way they teach, and everything just seems a little better. And so I was like, Yeah, I want to go, and we got we prepared. And my parents said that sounds like a great idea. So we went. And then as soon as I got there, I mean, the life wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. The language barrier, I still, I was fine with English, it was just like, the way you learn English from the books versus the way you actually talk is a little different. And just like living on your own was completely like, my- knowing other students was a little like a new experience to me. So going back to self care, while those five years was a difficult and at the same time, like realizing who I am and what kind of person I am in general. And I think I’m able to really like keep myself and able to really understand and discover myself, I guess was like having a plan. Like for me, I’ll always have goals and plans for my life in the future so I can be on track without having anyone to tell me what to do or how to live your life. And yeah, so I will always just make plans to become better person in life. And then once I came to college, I still did the same thing. And I was just challenging myself doing new things. And now I’m at place where I want to do something that I I love doing. I’m doing blogging, I’m doing YouTube, and I have a blogging agency where I specialize in Facebook ads and stuff like that. So it really came out really good and a success to the point where I enjoy what I’m doing. And everyone’s happy to.

Ariel Zachow

So when you first moved over here at 14, did you come by yourself without your parents?

Claire Lee

Yes.

Ariel Zachow

Wow. So um, that’s, that’s just- it’s so incredible. I think a lot of people don’t have the ability to make really any decisions such a young age. How did you do it?

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

Claire Lee

So pretty much I was just really I mean for like, I was just grown really independent. And I was always like, really independent person even when I was young. I always had like this dream that I wanted to pursue, I guess. And then I felt like after going to summer camps and summer schools in the US and Canada and stuff like that, I realized that, well, I can do this. I feel I can be more creative and express myself. That’s what I thought I can. At first I was scared suggesting the fact that going overseas, like can I go? I thought my parents will say no, but instantly, they were like ‘Yes, sure. If you want to go you can go.’ And I was like, ‘oh, okay. That sounds good.’ And then, I mean, once I came here, the like, as I said, like the first few years were a little difficult to adjust. But everyone was really nice in that school. And then the school also have other international students. We have like more than like, 23 different countries have students in the school. It was a really diverse school. So yeah, I learned so many things. It was honestly, I think that was like a perfect way to grow up, with so many diverse population and people there. And just learning about different cultures and different food and all that. Yeah, it was it was really a great growing process now that that I think back.

Ariel Zachow

How would you say that it it changed you? Such a massive decision in such a big move, how has that shaped who you are as a person today?

Claire Lee

So pretty much, the first thing I would say is like, I become more mature. Let’s say if I was just staying in my parents house, or like staying at home, staying with them, I might have become a totally different adult. But I think with this, I’ve got more mature and when I come up with situations that I think I will never come up with, I feel like I have more handling ability with those. Even like packing and unpacking or like all that like I used to do that alone or like from the help with my friends. I mean, my dorm parents will help to but they were just so many people, so they cannot help everyone. And so maturity. And then I also think independence, that that’s for sure. And then I think you become more ambitious since it’s yourself and have to just be more controllable, controllable of what you do. Throughout my whole years, even in college, even now, like I don’t have family here, I don’t have my parents and my sister here. So I guess like when you feel like you want to fall back, it’s not like there’s a place to fall back. You always have to be going like, you can’t just be like, ‘Oh, I’m gonna fall back by my parents thinking, you know, they have some sort of solution.’ That’s not the case. It’s like, you have to find your own version, you have to keep pushing yourself, you have to be that strong person.

Ariel Zachow

It sounds like it forces independence because even at such a young age where you’re not quite ready necessarily to be making decisions for yourself as an adult, you had to because there was no other option.

Claire Lee

Correct. Yeah. And, and I like that. I like that, though. I mean, like that experience was really powerful for me. And I think it’s definitely changed me. I can even see myself changing throughout these years, which was a really positive change. Like, like for the more patients that was a big change, like this war, I didn’t really have a lot of patience. And now I do have patients in a gateway. And just like socializing with people, understanding other people really made the difference as well.

Ariel Zachow

If you could go back and change something about how you did that situation, would you? Are you happy with how everything went?

Claire Lee

I am actually happy with how everything went. I mean, if I felt like if I had to, like if I had to go back and change, I guess I’ll be more positive, because there were some times where it was like really hard during the high school years, and I wasn’t a happy kid. I wasn’t always happy. But like, if I go back, I’ll see situations in more like a positive mindset.

Ariel Zachow

The idea of this is really self care on a massive scale. And I’m doing something similar-ish, where this winter, I’ll be spending six months in Greece. I’m very excited, but it’s also, as you know, very scary. It’s a really new thing. So say somebody’s listening and they know that the typical self care routine of yoga and meditation and bubble baths and all of that doesn’t work for them- What is your recommendation? Where they should start? Maybe they need to make a big move, like you’ve done and I’m planning to do- how do you recommend they sort of work through all of that to get prepared?

Claire Lee

Like you said, like going to another country? Okay, so well, first, wherever you’re going, like now that I’m grown, I’ll search about the country or like the area you’re going because obviously such a new place. And since the whole new place might be different, make sure you can put yourself in there. Let’s say like, the city they offer these these type of things, see if those things work for you. For example, let’s say like me, working (in the) US, like that was not a big option. You have to go through getting a social security card, like getting other things. So you might wanna find those alternate steps that works for you in your situation as a visitor or as a foreigner, you know, and just keep going through the process, like don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Just do your thing until you reach the goal, step by step. And I think that really helps. When you’re like going to a new country or new city or moving to a new place.

Ariel Zachow

Did you ever have moments where you regretted everything or felt that you made a huge mistake?

Claire Lee

Actually it happened when I was in like sophomore, junior year between that. Actually, it was funny, I didn’t share with anyone from my parents. But I actually did not want to go to college at the time. I was just like, I want to do something else. I just wasn’t interested in college in general. And then I talked to my parents and my uncle, actually, because he used to live in New York, and I used to visit there a lot. And then he told me all these all the fun things about college and all that. And then after that I got interested in college, and I decided to go but I think it was like the best decision I’ve ever made. Ever since that regret I got, I was just like regretting this whole situation about like how life in US is harder than I thought and all that. Like so many difficulties and everything. And so yeah. Other than that, everything went pretty good.

Ariel Zachow

Do you have advice for somebody who’s maybe in a similar situation? Who’s having that regret? And they’re freaking out?

Claire Lee

Well, first of all, like, as for college, I actually loved college. And at the time, like whenever the college admission comes out, everyone is rooting for the dream colleges. And the results come out, and everyone- it’s like comparing on their social media, “Yay, I got into this/I got into that!” and then sometimes, like, there might be judgments where if people don’t know that college, or they never heard of it, they might say something like, ‘oh, like, why are you going to the college or something like that’, like mine was that kind of case. Because I was at the time the school I was in is located in West Virginia, so the place I was going to many of the international students didn’t know about it. So they’re like, ‘Oh, where’s that like, that’s not Ivy League school or something like that.’ But I didn’t really care, like I was already really excited to go, because I got a scholarship and all that. So what the advice I want to give them is just don’t compare you to other people. And like if you if you have something that you’re interested in, just pursue that goal. And just find a way to do step by step.

Ariel Zachow

It sounds like you have a really good ability to focus on yourself and your own goals and where you’re going. But that’s it’s a little unusual, in the best possible way. It’s a little unusual, because I think this is a very competitive society. How do you stay in that place? Because so many people will check Instagram or Facebook and see ‘well, where am I versus where she is? And she’s doing better than me?’ How do you keep your your sites focused on what you’re doing so that you can accomplish these goals without being bogged down by the opinions of other people?

“Don’t compare you to other people. And like if you if you have something that you’re interested in, just pursue that goal. And just find a way to do step by step.”

Claire Lee

Well, that’s actually good question. But I think it’s the way you think. So like, what made me a better person, or like, how the way I think is, I think like first is invented by my parents. So I think the way my parents helped me grow is they didn’t force- I’m from Asian parents, right, like Asian country, but like, didn’t force anything for me to do. They didn’t have the pressure on me. So like, they kind of like freed me out and express myself. And that just made me focus more on myself. And as for us for social media, I’m pretty active on social media as well. But last year, for example, I was really into social media, and then realized, like, it’s not doing any good. I’m not feeling happy or like it, I just felt like some days I would think ‘Oh, this is a waste of time. I can do something way more productive than the invest in social media.’ That’s what I felt like directly while I was doing the social media and other stuff. So that one really made me change, like, maybe I need to spend more time doing other things productive. And the third one is, I realized that people who don’t use social media actually make a lot of money as well. Like people who don’t have social media accounts, people who are not invested in social media can also make a lot of money. And after realizing that I was like, ‘yeah, this is not the only path to go, even though I’m in the creative side,’ you know what I’m saying. And the fourth one will be I love reading books. When I was young, I wasn’t even interested in books at all. But as I was growing, I love like reading self growth books, or business books to keep teaching myself and learning new things since I am done with college. And I feel like people should like force themselves to keep learning and learning after college. Whether it’s something that you’re interested in or something that you want to develop yourself and like, you found a weakness in yourself and you want to improve that, like I’m doing right now. You have to keep reading books in order for you to stay on track and not look at other people. Like crazy photos of photo on Instagram be like, ‘Oh, I want to be like that,’ you know. I mean appreciate they have happy lives and all, but they also have their struggles. And we don’t know that. So just think as in, I guess just thinking like, those positive ways to have an ultimate goal. So like, whenever you feel like you’re going sideways, you can be like, ‘Oh, this is my goal is to be on track again.’

Ariel Zachow

Sure. Like self correction along the way, right?

Claire Lee

Yeah.

Ariel Zachow

So how do you keep the confidence and the drive to continue to pursue your passion or your self care on this grander scale? So you’ve made the big move, and now you’re in a place that makes you happier, but what about for for work? Because I think what we do, or a lot of people do with blogging, and podcasting and all these things- it’s very non traditional. And I think that makes a lot of people super uncomfortable. So how do you keep the confidence to pursue what ultimately is going to make you happy?

Claire Lee

Well, I guess I’ll see the possibility first, like possibility and passion is the two things really matter. And like, of course effort, but I feel like some like sometimes, like even blogging or podcasts, but you never know what will happen with it. And like there’s no certain because you’re making out of it. So there’s no person who’s going to gather a company that’s going to be like, this is the way you’re going right. So yeah, like possibility definitely matters. Meaning, if you first start that, like you need to have a plan, or a goal or anything that you’re going to keep going with. So I normally start out something in a plan for like a year or six months, and see if this is going to work out. But I’m gonna see it in a realistic way, I’m not gonna see it in a imaginable or something that I want, I want to see this in a realistic way where it’s like, is this really gonna work? Or is this really gonna help me survive with money in the future. And if I that’s not the case, even though I want to do this, then I’m not going to pursue it. Because that might be a waste of time. And if I think there’s a possibility, then I’ll go with it. But I’ll try to find like minded people, or people who are already successful in business, or death field, I’ll like talk to them or contact them to gather information as much as possible. So to make this happen, is what I take, like the two, like two paths I take.

Ariel Zachow

What are some of the biggest difficulties you face living this, this very bold, very passionate life?

Claire Lee

Um, I guess, like the main thing was just like a status difficulty. I mean, it’s resolved now. But status was difficult as in like, given visa, or something like that. It has very limited abilities just for everything, living or even like getting a driver’s license or renewing something. All of that is harder. And I guess like the visa is the main problem if you’re going to a new place, because they will limit a lot of things you can do. So if you’re thinking that you want to stay here for a long time, you definitely want to work on hat first before doing anything else.

Ariel Zachow

Well, and I can say for Greece, at least, and I think this is true in a lot of places- Don’t mess around with your visa. Don’t wing it. And I know that the US is really picky, so it’s much stricter here in the US than it is in other places. But don’t don’t wing it. Look into some research.

Claire Lee

I mean, those visa problems like once you get delayed or like slacked off like, wait another like few months and does not take forever, so

Ariel Zachow

And you don’t want to get blacklisted.

Claire Lee

Exactly, exactly. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That’s so fun, though. I mean, I hope you really have fun. Like, that sounds, that sounds like a really great, like an opportunity and just, you know, yeah, travel around, see new things.

Ariel Zachow

Yeah, that’s definitely something that I feel like I’m lacking in my life is exposure to different cultures. Where I live now, it’s very, I mean, it’s Italian, but it’s very American, Italian. But, but that’s it, which is great, but it sounds like one of the better parts of your experience was learning about different places that you wouldn’t have otherwise, if you weren’t exposed to the people from those places.

Claire Lee

Right. It was there was a really great experience. I mean, I guess it will be like really invaluable experience. Yeah. When I go pack, when I like think about like those times, it always just makes me like feeling like feeling some type of way. You know? Yeah, like when I like put myself in those times is not the best. Some days are worse, some days are not the best. But as an adult Claire, like going back, and then seeing myself is definitely like a perfect growth.

Ariel Zachow

Are there any last little bits you want to add before we wrap up?

Claire Lee

I guess I throughout this whole, I always focus on happiness. Like just in general. It’s, it might sound easy, but it’s not that easy. Unless you’re actually like, making yourself happy. And then even though like when you’re feeling not good, or when you feel I’m not fit in this world type of you’re feeling like, like you’re not the best, just try to think in a positive way, like in your like something that you’re doing good. And just grasp on that and then go to another level of challenge and keep going.

Ariel Zachow

Yeah. All right. Well, thank you for sharing your story. This was really interesting and a little different than we usually do. But I am hoping that it will spark some ideas for what a self care routine can look like for somebody on a grander scale and a much bigger scale. If they’re not particularly satisfied with the things that they’re doing now or they feel maybe like something is missing, hopefully this has planted the seed and you know, you don’t have to move countries to make a doable self care routine. Maybe it’s not that big for you, but maybe it’s traveling more often or maybe it’s you know, whatever it is to you. Hopefully this will help you come up with a couple of ideas. And if you want to follow Claire on social media you want to connect with her. You can find her on Facebook at Claire Bear Blogs. You can find her on Instagram @clairebearyblogs_94 or you can head over to her website at www.clairebearblogs.com. Never hesitate to reach out to her or myself. You can find me on instagram @compassion.as.my.compass or head over to my website at www.compassionasmycompass.com Send me an email send me a DM on Instagram, whatever floats your boat. But I love the conversation that I have with my listeners. If you or somebody you know would like to guest on the show, please reach out to me, let me know. Or if there are any topics that you would like covered that I have not yet also send me an email. I’m always looking for new ideas. They thank you as always for your time this week. I hope you enjoyed this show and I will see you next Thursday.

September 26, 2019 0 comment

Interviews Podcasts

Self Limiting Beliefs with Monica Frederick

by ArielZachow September 12, 2019

Ariel Zachow

Alright, so let’s jump right in. Today we’re going to talk about getting over self limiting beliefs. And that is such a massive thing. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to anybody who doesn’t have some sort of self limiting beliefs. So we’re going to just sorta get your opinion on that today. But I would love for you to start by telling everyone your story. Tell us a little bit about you.

Monica Frederick

Yeah, so I won’t go too far into the nitty gritty details. I’m not going to take you way, way back. I’ll take you back a little bit just to get a little bit of a sense as to who I am and how I got here. And so currently, right now, I am a self confidence coach and a podcast host as well. But I didn’t always have this clear path for myself. I grew up in a very poverty stricken situation. I grew up without running water or heat. I also grew up with a very abusive stepfather. And the reason I go into the sad story is just because that, of course, our childhood shapes who we are. And so for the majority of my life, I always had somebody telling me, ‘you’re not good enough, you’re never going to be anything,’ things like that. And as you’re a child, and you will hear these things over and over, you start to really believe them. Because you know, when somebody tells you one plus one is three, and you hear that over and over and over again, you’re like, ‘Okay, got it. So one plus one equals three’. And when you graduate high school and go to college, and you know, somebody tells you one plus one is two, you’re like, ‘what the heck, what is going on here.’ And so, you know, that really had this long term effect on me, obviously. And so I went in not kind of realizing what self worth was. And I didn’t have a really good relationship with myself, I never really kind of realized that I left home when I was very, very young. I left home around 15. And, you know, kind of went out on my own. And I thought that in order to almost like validate my existence in this world, I needed to go out, and I needed to have a job and I needed to be a good taxpaying citizen, have my career planned out. And then that way, I would never have to ask for anything again, because I was on. Of course, my parents and I were on welfare, things like that. And so I never wanted to be like that. And so I thought I had to show my work through hard work. And that was it, that I didn’t have anything really else to offer other than just, you know, making sure that I didn’t ask for anything. And so I say all this because as I went into my adult, life, I spent the majority of my time just spending all of my time working for a company and I bent over backwards, I poured My blood, sweat and tears into my job trying to get another promotion and just showing that I can, you know that I had a right to be where I was. And I didn’t think that I was worth much past that. And I know that sounds really sad, but it’s part of my reality. And so I went through this time and I didn’t believe that I was anything but my work. That if I didn’t excel in the outward parts of myself, that I wasn’t doing life right, if that makes sense. And so it wasn’t until maybe about a year ago, when I had spent so much of my life life living for other people, living for external validation, that I had a breakdown. I stepped down for my job and I knew I wanted to go out on my own and teach people that you didn’t have to live like that. But I didn’t believe in myself. I’d never done anything on my own or started a project on my own or actually completed a big goal on my own. I’m a starter, but not a finisher. And so when you do that for so long, it’s hard to believe that you can actually do something, which is definitely where those limiting beliefs comes in. And so I went through after this time, trying to look for internal validation, and instead of external, and when you live your whole life one way, living with limiting beliefs, and living with a sense of not believing in yourself, but looking to other people to validate, you are looking to external things like money, or where you live, or what you look like. Things like that. When you look for external validation like that, it’s hard to actually look internally. So when I started to look internally, that’s when I started to realize that I was not the only one. You know, we all have traumas in our past. And maybe somebody listening is not thinking, ‘Well, my gosh, I mean, I have limiting beliefs. But I didn’t grow up with abuse.’ But, you know, for anybody that’s thinking like that, we all have limiting beliefs. And we all have that sense of trying to find our own inner self worth. And so that’s what I realized- that I wasn’t the only one. And so now, that’s what my focus is as I learned to look within, and I learned to look internally and try to believe in myself. That’s what I now teach to other people. So that’s a short version, the long, fun story that is my life. And that’s how I got here.

Ariel Zachow

So I want to stray a little bit just quickly from the topic, because you mentioned that people have their struggle, but everybody’s struggle is different. I think that yours is on a very extreme end. What do you say to somebody who’s struggling, but on maybe like a textbook lesser? You know, with less- I don’t really know how to say just different, just different, maybe not as intense?

If you’d prefer to listen to this show, you can do so HERE.

Monica Frederick

Yeah, no, I absolutely see what you mean. And here’s the thing is that, for me, I wore kind of my life in my victimhood as just kind of like, a badge of honor, almost, I guess you could say, like, a badge that I suffered more. And I realized now that if somebody suffering or if somebody feels that way, it feels to them just as bad as to somebody like me, you know what I mean? I’ve heard the, the comparison of like drowning. So, if I’m drowning in the in the ocean, you know, where it’s like two miles deep, and somebody’s drowning, but they’re only at six foot deep water, we’re both still struggling to swim.

Do you see what I mean? Like, the water is still just as overpowering, it’s still a force of nature that we have to work against. And so maybe my end is deeper, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not struggling, that doesn’t mean that you that your battles and what you’re working through is not validated. And so I always kind of come back to that. And that’s almost another form of limiting belief is like, ‘Well, you know, mine’s not even as bad as that.

So what do I have to even complain about that.’ That’s still even kind of continuing that cycle too. And so it’s okay to recognize where you are. And that kind of even comes into the comparison kind of thing is when you are thinking and looking to other people that’s almost that same external kind of validation, or that you’re looking externally. And we want to shift the conversation more to bring it in and kind of see what’s happening inside.

Because when you can heal what’s happening inside no matter what’s going on. I mean, my situation was bad. Yes. But I mean, there are still situations all around the world. I’m grateful, you know what I mean? There are so many horrors in this world that I did not thankfully have to go through. And there is somebody out there that’s suffering more than you.

And any one person can say that, you know what I mean? And so that’s when we need to stop looking so much out, but more in, which is hard. It’s hard to do.

Ariel Zachow

Yes, that that was really well put. Not quite the idea of the show today, but I think it’s something that people come across a lot. They see that their struggle is different, and they deem it to be a lesser struggle, therefore, it doesn’t matter. And I think that’s totally untrue. Again, it doesn’t mean you’re not drowning. You’re just drowning differently. So thank you, I’m happy to have your input on that. But now circling back, you said you had a breakdown and that was kind of your your wake up moment. Can you talk us through that light bulb or that switch or shift or however it happened for you?

Monica Frederick

Yeah, yeah. When this it happened, I thought originally was for my health, which it that was definitely a big slice of it. But I thought when I had this moment, I, I mean, when I was working, I spent about like, 16 hours a week being in the office where I was, and then I would come home, take all of my work with me, and then just beat myself up for not having enough sales. And I ran a team, but you know, I would beat myself up for not having the numbers to come up to the manager meeting on Monday, and present. And, you know, I knew my boss would be upset with me, and I would just harbor all of these things like ‘you didn’t do this well enough. And you could have done better.’

That was a type of conversation that I constantly had in my head for years. And I just thought it was normal, which unfortunately, oftentimes, that is normal. But I thought that was normal in the sense of like, you just got to get up and get it. You’re living the American dream and it took me a while to realize that’s not the American dream. You can do something good with your life, you can have meaning in your life. And if that is what you do with a job, that’s great. But, you know, for me, I just thought like, well, the only way to live the American dream is to make money.

And part of that is just having a bad boss and always yelling at yourself. Like I had this really warped, twisted version of what I thought I should live, or how I thought I should live. And so it wasn’t until I didn’t spend any time for myself whatsoever. I mean, you know, it’s talking about self care now I feel like is really popular, which is awesome. But the farther back you go, the less and less people talk about it. You know, hustling was a badge of honor. How much time you poured into something was a badge of honor. How little you slept was a badge of honor.

It was like a competition to see who got the least amount of sleep. And it’s like, that’s not the world I wanted to live in anymore. You know, I had done that for so long, I gained so much weight, I felt unhealthy because I didn’t have the time or energy to come home and cook a good meal for myself. I didn’t have the energy to come home and even have a full on conversation with my husband. I came home and vegetated because that’s literally the only bandwidth I had leftover. I didn’t separate any time for myself.

And so the breakdown kind of happened when I’m like, I will probably die of a heart attack and keep gaining weight if I don’t do something, and so for me, my journey kind of started out more focused on health. I’m like, ‘Okay, so now I’ve got to focus on fitness. I just, I’m going to run a little bit, eat some kale, and I’ll be good. Like, I’ll be set.’ And that was a good way to start. Once I actually got that under control, like, ‘Oh, I do feel good. Maybe I can do this, but then that led to, ‘okay, now I can do my job better. Because I’m, you know, I don’t pant as much when I go up the stairs, you know?’

So I was only making myself feel better for my job. And again, I was living for something other than me. And so that’s when I’m like, so slowly after that I’m like, ‘all right, I really gotta change something. I’ve got to start living for myself first.’ And so that’s when I stepped down from my job. And I started out trying to do my own thing. And then that’s where the limiting beliefs really came back. It’s like, ‘Who are you to do this, you had a really great career, you know, you had a 401k like, everybody loves to hear that.

Right? Like, benefits and 401k. If you have that you’re like, oh, life set.’ But you know, these are the types of conversations that I had in my head right after I had stepped down from what I was doing. And I’m like, ‘Why are you going out on your own? You don’t have benefits anymore?’ things, you know, the normal types of fun dialogue that we have with ourselves.

“…we all have that sense of trying to find our own inner self worth.”

Ariel Zachow

How did this all go with your husband? Because he knew you before, right? And then you made this change. So what what was that like doing that with a significant other in your life?

Monica Frederick

Yeah, that’s a great question. I mean, I’ve thought about this, but I’ve never actually answered that before. I love that. It was interesting, thankfully, thank my gosh, thank like, the universe and God, whoever, that I had somebody really supportive on my side, because if I didn’t, then this could have all gone down in a different way. I remember, I always came home and I was just always close to crying because I was very unhappy in my job.

Because I was, you know, basically sacrificing myself for it. And he would always kind of mention, ‘You know what, it seems like you’re dating this company, it seems like you’re in a deeper relationship with this company than you are with me.’ And that really hit home, you know, I don’t want to be in a relationship with my company, I want to be relationship with my husband. And if all of my time and energy is going into it, then I have nothing left for him.

And that’s where we had fights that would happen, because I just didn’t have the bandwidth to even just be present with him. I was too busy looking at my work email on my phone when I was at dinner with him. And so that’s on the relationship side. That’s where like the bickering and the fights kind of started to break out. And then after all of that was when I another one of those factors, like my health was a factor. But like, my, I knew that since my bandwidth to even have a relationship wasn’t there, that was another factor.

And knowing why I had to let go of my obsession about my career and my outward goals. And so after I had one of those moments, you know, in the movies, where somebody has like their midlife or quarter life crisis, and they’re curled up in a ball in the shower, and the water is raining down on them, and they’re crying. I mean I’m laughing about it now, but like one of those moments at the time, I was very upset.

But like, I just sat there, I remember sitting there and the water was just running over me. And I’m like, I have lost control of my life. I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no purpose. What am I even here for? Like those types of deep, dark questions. You know, we’re going to get really deep and dark here. But those types of questions really came over me.

And that’s when he came in and it turned the shower off. And we talked and I’m like, ‘I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m focused and obsessed so much about this career that I have no passion for anymore. I don’t even know who I am.’ I remember somebody asked me what my hobbies were and I cried because I couldn’t answer.

Like, what are hobbies? I don’t know. But I been that’s when we had the conversation of- He’s like, ‘Okay, well, what do you like to do?’ And I’m like, ‘I don’t even know any more,’ and I’m just crying. And, you know, just being completely nonsensical, like, it was an ugly cry, the snot coming out. It was not like the pretty cry in the movies, it was the ugly cry.

But that’s when he had suggested- He’s like, ‘you know what, you’re a really good teacher, and you listen intently, and you have like a really different kind of take on the world and a different take on how people can live their lives. Why don’t you help people through that?’ And light bulb just clicked.

I mean, I was like, ‘Wow, you’re right. Holy crap, what a great idea.’ So thankfully, he’s been extremely supportive in my decision. And I think he even had mentioned that he had rather me be broke than unhappy or at least trying to pursue something that made me happy, rather than being stuck in a career in a lifestyle, really not even just the creative, but just the life and the obsession. You’d rather me see me broke then be you know, more well off, but just completely miserable in my life.

Ariel Zachow

So how do you take such a big breakdown in such like a crisis moment and turn it so that it becomes something positive rather than letting it be just another breakdown among the many breakdowns on this path that you continued on? How did you let that be your turning point?

“And so that’s what I realized. That I wasn’t the only one.”

Monica Frederick

I’m not gonna lie, there was there was a good solid like month and half or something like that, where I just, I vegetated. I stayed on the couch. I binged lot of TV, like, I’m just like, ‘oh, what am I gonna do.’ And everything just felt really overwhelming. You know, I let myself feel that. Something that I had told myself in those kind of crisis moments was, ‘this is a moment you’re going to look back on and tell somebody about this is a moment that you can use, as an example, for when somebody else feels like this.’

And so, for me, I started to learn how to just really hone in on on a vision. I’m always a really big believer in having a clear vision for yourself. Because if you have a goal, you need strong motivation. And the motivation is just a very clear picture in your mind of what you want. So that way you can strive for it when the going gets tough. Because when those negative Nancy kind of comes in on your shoulder, and, you know, starts telling you that you can’t do it, or you know what you’re crazy for even thinking that you can, you have to have a very clear vision that’s stronger than the negative person in your mind, you know what I mean?

And so for me, I started playing around with clearly identifying what I wanted to do and the impact that I wanted to make. And so for me, in my mind, I was envisioning somebody who was in my place, I was envisioning somebody that was just, you know, overwhelmed, and they didn’t, they wanted to do something, but they were just kind of like, almost petrified and just couldn’t move forward in any direction, because they felt like they could do something wrong.

I was envisioning that person so clearly, I can see, you know, their hair, I can see what they were wearing, I just, when I close my eyes, it was like a movie was playing in my head. And I forced myself to keep like closing my eyes and picturing this person I can help. And so when I clearly envision that, and actually, after a while I wrote it down, you know, wrote this kind of like, movie clip, I guess, in my head down. That’s something that I always went back to. And so, you know, not every day is sunshine and roses, of course, but being able to close my eyes and remember why I’m putting myself through this and why I’m doing this helps propel me forward.

Ariel Zachow

So if we have somebody listening now who is deep in this cycle of self limiting beliefs, be it from somebody else and abuse situation or from themselves- how do you recommend they get started with just planting the seed of ‘I am enough’ or ‘I matter.’ How do you get started if you’re so overwhelmed by these negative thoughts?

Monica Frederick

You know, for me, it took a really long time to understand that I’m the only one that can affect how I feel. I’m the only one that can affect my future, I spent so long thinking that, ‘well, my step dad said this to me, and that’s why I do the things that I do,’ or, you know, I grew up without money. I grew up in the middle of frickin nowhere. A really tiny town in Missouri.

I’m like, ‘I don’t live in New York City or LA, like, I’m never like, you have to live somewhere cool.’ But you know what I mean, I could come up with excuses for days. And when I say that, like, especially thinking about my stuff, other things like that, you know, there is a history. Sometimes there’s so much trauma where it takes a lot of help to get there. So obviously, if therapy is an option, go for it and do that. But when you can move past that point, for me, I just had to remind myself that I’m the only one that can propel myself forward.

There’s people in my life that can help me, of course, but there’s nobody that’s going to sit there right on my shoulder like a little parrot and be like, ‘Okay, so here’s what you do next. And then, oh, you’re really great. Like you, you’ve got this, like you can do this.’ We all should have people in our lives that are cheerleaders and lift this up. But ultimately, the biggest cheerleader has to be yourself, or you can’t propel yourself forward.

And so for me, that’s when I kind of realized that I just needed to take radical responsibility, I needed to be responsible for my actions, and I needed to be responsible for my life. And so I had a- almost like a come to Jesus moment, but the real conversation with myself and said, ‘You know what, shit happens,’ Things happen in our lives where we have literally no control over them sometimes, that we can’t control other people.

And we can’t control what they think or do. And we can’t control the environment, we can’t control nature, we can’t control the world. The only thing we can control is our reactions. And so when something happens to me, that’s when I got over the mindset of the victim, and then kind of move forward. And I’m like, I actually have power. So you know, something bad can happen to me, but remembering that I have the power to get over it, or I have the power to make a decision, whether it’s good or bad, reminding myself that I’m in control of what I can do was extremely powerful.

And so maybe, you know, if you’re in a kind of crossroads right now, and something bad had just happened to you that was outside of your control, the only thing you can control is what you do after. Everybody’s heard the quote, ‘failure is not when you fall down, it’s if you just stayed down.’ And that’s just another way of saying you have the control. You have to be kind of like deciding factor. You can decide to either get up and go forward and keep going. Or you can decide to stay where you are. Only you can make that decision, no matter what your situation looks like. And that’s what really helps me if that answers your question.

“You can do something good with your life. You can have meaning in your life.”

Ariel Zachow

Now, do you find that you still occasionally deal with self limiting beliefs? Or is it just everything’s perfect and smooth sailing?

Monica Frederick

If you can find somebody that says that everything perfect and smooth sailing, then give me their number, because let’s figure this out. That’s the beauty of human existence is that we always kind of go through and struggle, you know, we always have moments where something challenges our character, you know, there’s always situations or people or something that always challenges who we are in our country, our beliefs, and what we think that we can do.

But it’s in those moments that kind of really define who we are. And I know I’m saying all these cliche things, but they’re cliche because people say them often for a reason, right? And so, for me, I know that there can be no good without bad. If everything was peachy, and sunshine and rainbows all the time, then we would never look at rainbows the same way We’d be like,’ Oh, my God. Great. Another rainbow. I wish I had some variety in my life.” You know what I mean? You can’t appreciate the good things in your life without at least recognizing the bad for what it is.

Bad things suck. Bad events and bad people and bad things that happen, they suck. They do. It’s horrible. But at the same time they have a lot of value. They’re really important because they make the good times so much better. They make the good things that you do so much better. All of your fails that you think you have, they are what makes your wins that you have so much sweeter. If every attempt that you ever did, every time that you ever tried anything ever and you won.

Every time you ever attempted to do anything, it was always smooth sailing for you, you would be pretty bored, you would still believe that you couldn’t do anything. Because at that point, you’re like, ‘Well, everything in my life is great. Like, if something really challenging came along, how would I even know I could do it?’ Do you see what I mean? Like without the bad, you can’t even congratulate yourself on the good. I know that was a super long answer. But you know, I get really heated about this. And I’m like, I could go on for days and days.

Ariel Zachow

My favorite people that people that are just so calm, but they’ve got like one thing that just gets them totally riled.

Monica Frederick

Yeah. Yeah.

Ariel Zachow

Do you have any last little tidbits you want to add?

“…you have to have a clear vision that’s stronger than the negative person in your mind.”

Monica Frederick

(laughing) You know, I thank you for coming to my TED Talk. If there’s anything I can impart on you is just the only the first thing that you have to have an anything that you do ever is got to be you. If you aren’t on your own sidelines cheering you on, then why would anybody else show up and cheer you? So that’s why I always truly believe that looking internally, and really finding that self worth first. And then going out and doing what you want to do. All of the people and all of that external validation you’re looking for will, be there. But what will feel the greatest is when you can just have that internal hurrah, I guess you could say so.

Ariel Zachow

And I think allow it to be a journey. It doesn’t have to be one month where all of the sudden you think you’re so amazing and great. It takes time. So if people want to follow you on social media, where should they go?

Monica Frederick

Yeah. My main central hub, you can find me mostly on Instagram and you can find me at Monica Chats, and my main hangout places of course on my website, and that’s just MonicaFrederick.com

September 12, 2019 0 comment

Interviews Podcasts

Practicing Gratitude with Samantha B

by ArielZachow September 5, 2019

Ariel Zachow

Hello and welcome to Compassion As My Compass, a weekly podcast all about living yoga off the mat. I’m your host Ariel Zachow. Each week we cover a new topic and discuss what small, easily implemented things you can do to live a yogi lifestyle after your physical practice has ended. And we have a really interesting show this week. I’m joined by a good friend of mine, Samantha B. She and I, I feel like everybody has that friend where it’s just literal chaos when you’re together.And so that’s what this is. And we have a really important topic for this week, it is just going to be funny if we ever managed to get it done. Samantha, welcome. Thank you for joining me. We are going to talk about gratitude, which is a really, really important thing. It can be a difficult thing to have and to achieve. But you’ll sort of walk us through how it’s changed your life, the changes that you made, and how do you practice this. But why don’t you start by introducing yourself and let our listeners know a little bit about you?

Samantha B

Sure. My name is Samantha B. I am the owner and lead photographer for Seaweed and Diamonds, which is a women’s lifestyle company and boudoir services specifically. But I do kind of all sorts of photography and a little bit of everything, because I’m an entrepreneur, and that’s how life works in our world. I have a studio here on Long Island, and I’m originally from upstate New York. So that’s been an interesting transition. And honestly, that transition is probably what threw me into the gratitude topic.

Ariel Zachow

Well, you and I share a lot of similarities in that neither of us are from Long Island, but our husbands are. And if you’re not from here, Long Island is really interesting. It’s its own thing.

Samantha B

That’s a whole other podcast there.

Ariel Zachow

She’s literally writing it down right now. So talk to me about what gratitude means to you as like a broad topic.

Samantha B

Gratitude to me is actually your perception of what you have.

Ariel Zachow

So it’s appreciating the good parts of your life and not necessarily focusing on the negative things or the things you want to change.

Samantha B

I feel like, as humans, we tend to gravitate towards the negative. Somebody could give us 100 compliments and the only one we remember at the end of the day was the backhanded one.

Ariel Zachow

But it’s maybe important to know that that’s a survival instinct. Because the body isn’t gonna remember the good things because those aren’t a danger to you, it’s the bad things that are. But now we live in a world where we’re not being chased by like saber toothed tigers, so that’s not so applicable. How do you pull away from this natural instinct of focusing on the bad and shifting towards a more grateful outlook?

Samantha B

Right. It’s definitely an exercise to shift your mindset towards gratitude. And I think that like, I think it’s been kind of a hot topic lately. And people are like, ‘Oh, yeah, gratitude. Yeah, I’ve heard so much about it. But like, why do I need it? Or how do I do it?’ And it’s like, it literally is you training your mind. And when you train your mind, it’s like having keys that unlock it, and then it unlocks your potential.

Ariel Zachow

So can you talk us through how this idea came into your life initially?

Samantha B

Yeah, so I definitely will share about that, but you guys should know that I’m, I’m kind of like an all or nothing kind of person, I either kind of over share. And then people are like, Whoa, that’s a lot of information. Or I just keep my mouth shut. So.

Ariel Zachow

Which is a normal thing, and we’ve talked about it on the show, it was like one of the first episode. There’s me, mostly the nothing side, and you’re the all side. And together, we create a perfect human being.

Samantha B

And what resolution did you come to?

Ariel Zachow

There is not one.

Samantha B

Awesome, awesome.

If you’d prefer to listen to this show, you can do so HERE.

Ariel Zachow

If you listen to the show, you know, there’s no resolution, it’s just, you know, a discussion show.

Samantha B

Yes. Alright. So I guess I would say about a year ago, I had been on Long Island for a little over a year, and my life was nowhere where I thought it would be and I was kind of having like, a life crisis, which is continuing. But again, that’s probably another podcast day. Write down life crisis on the notebook here. So around this time last year, my life wasn’t where I expected it to be. And I was kind of like, having a meltdown about everything on the daily and I decided that I was going to reach out to a business coach. She’s amazing. She’s based out of Vegas. If anybody needs a business coach, contact me later, I will give you more information. And she’s the one that really turned me on to the idea of gratitude. And she was like, ‘Listen, I have this book. It’s called the Five Minute Journal. I’m sure a lot of people have heard about it, I want you to do it for a couple of weeks, and just kind of see if things start to fall into place.’ So I did it. And things just kind of started to fall into place. It was really bizarre, because I didn’t really realize how much my mindset was affecting the outcomes of certain situations. So I became a lot more aware of, of looking at the positive and being grateful for what I have or what I didn’t have.

Ariel Zachow

Well, we talked earlier today- about the idea of focusing more on the positive to bring the positive into your life rather than focusing on the negative. Because what you put out does come back to you. But there’s a fine balance of being grateful and being a positive person, but also not necessarily ignoring the negative things in your life. Right?

Samantha B

Oh, I agree with that. 100%. I think there’s a fine line between striving to be positive and focus on positive and being delusional. That’s the thing.

Ariel Zachow

So how do you find the balance, then?

Samantha B

I think it’s important to be realistic. Everything is not always kittens and rainbows. I know. I know, I just crushed your world. We’re literally surrounded by unicorns right now in Ariel’s office. I think it’s important to be like, ‘Okay, I’m looking at shitty situation. And like, what is the upside to it? or What am I learning from it? Or how am I going to avoid it in the future?’ And having that mindset of instead of being like, ‘oh, man, this is a really shitty situation. Oh, my God,. How did I end up in this situation? Why am I the only one in this situation,’ you see how those two thought lines can help you get through something bad faster and more efficiently.

Ariel Zachow

This is a little bit of a tangent from that. But growing up, my dad would always say, ‘go out and fail.’ And I I was always so offended. I was always so mad because I was like, why wouldn’t he wish a success or you know, a lot of successes. And it wasn’t until I failed 12,000 times that I could be able to look at a bad situation and think, ‘Okay, so this didn’t go how I wanted, but what can I get out of it? And what benefit is this going to bring me?’ So it’s kind of the same idea. You’re not trying to never fail, because that’s not realistic, but when you’re in that situation, when you’re in your shitty situation, because you have to go through it until it ends, you know, whatever the resolution is, you have to be able to say, ‘what can I get out of this? How can this make me better? How can it better prepare me to deal with the situation in the future?’

Samantha B

And I think it’s really interesting that you bring that up, because I have people come to me a lot and they’re afraid to start something. And why are we ever afraid to start anything? If you’re afraid that we’re going to fail. But honestly, if you accept the fact that failure is going to happen, like it’s inevitable, everybody fails, you need to get through the failure before you can have the win. And once you change that mindset, it’s like ‘okay, wow, that really sucked. I messed that up. I gotta do it again, I’m going to do it better. Or I don’t want to do that ever again. I’m going to do something else.’ But just having that mindset that like, ‘okay, what’s next? Okay, how do I adjust? Okay, how do I pivot?’ is gratitude instead of just focusing on how it feels in the moment. Or what other people might think. Or, you know, whatever negative energy is associated to your situation.

“Gratitude to me is actually your perception of what you have.”

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Ariel Zachow

So was this a difficult shift for you to make mentally? Or was it once the pieces fell into place, it it sort of snowballs. How did it go for you?

Samantha B

I definitely feel like you’re creating a habit. So anytime you create a habit, it’s hard, because it’s not something you do naturally. I think the book really helped me immensely. Because it literally is full of exercises that teach you how to be grateful. And how to have that mindset shift. And once I kind of got through the book a little bit, it definitely snow balled. It definitely is like, you know, every time I feel myself getting into that mindset, like ‘oh, I’m doing this wrong,’ or ‘Oh, I failed again. Or Oh, I messed up again, or whatever.’ I’m like, ‘No, like, look at all the positive things that I do have going on in my life. Look at how far I’ve come. Look at all the ambition, I have to keep moving forward instead of just, you know,dwelling on the negative.

Ariel Zachow

And what what are the biggest positives from this that stick out to you in the past year?

Samantha B

I think since I have shifted that mindset, I think that I’ve attracted more like minded people. And I think that, you know, we are social beings, even if you’re like me, I’m like, really polarized, where I’m like, social antisocial, I definitely am introverted, extroverted, I need my time alone. But I love my time with other people. And I feel like I’ve attracted more quality people in my friendships since I have shifted my mindset. So I think that was like, the biggest way that it impacted me is my relationship with other people. It also, because I’m an entrepreneur, because I spend so much time alone, it has really helped me to, like, refocus and not get so lost within myself. On the days, like where I would in the past, like just be thinking about the things that are hard and the things that I’m struggling with, and then just like never get anything done. I can like kind of refocus since then.

Ariel Zachow

So tell me the name of the book again.

Samantha B

It’s called the Five Minute Journal. And you can get it on Amazon, which I love Amazon. But they also have an app now, which I haven’t been able to check out. I do think it’s a free app, or it’s like a one time pay app instead of like the monthly subscription ones. So yeah, it’s definitely worth checking out. Because I mean, even just like a week of doing a daily really changes your perspective about your life.

Ariel Zachow

Can you give an example of some of the things that it has you do?

Samantha B

Yes. So it’s like a journal prompt. It’s only one page a day. And in the morning, you say three things that you’re grateful for. And then I think you say three or four things that you intend to do that day. So like your intentions for the day. And then at the end of the day, you say things that you’re grateful for. There are days that were really hard, where I said the same thing every day, you know, there were like three days in a row where I said that I was grateful for my husband. And it felt like a cop out. But it wasn’t. It was like being reminded that my relationship is really awesome. And other people strive to have that that type of relationship. And it’s something I should be grateful for. And instead of focusing on something that I I’m working on, or that I can’t have right now, I should be focusing on the awesome things that I do have.

Ariel Zachow

Do you think that it was helpful for you to sort of book end your day with this gratitude to sort of do it in the morning and to do it in the evening?

Samantha B

Absolutely. And I think that’s, again, one of the hardest parts, because you’re like, it’s one more thing to do. It’s something to remember every single day, and not only remembering it every single day, but you’re remembering it twice a day. But honestly, it’s the only way to keep it at the top of mind. And you couldn’t help it after a few days, you’re thinking about the things that you said that you’re grateful for. And you’re thinking about the things that you intended to do with that day. It was it’s like a self evaluation. At the end of the day, if I looked at my paper and what I intended to do, and I didn’t do any of those things, I realized that I was avoiding myself, I was avoiding my self care, I was avoiding things that I needed in my life because I wasn’t doing that. So the next day, I was more careful about what I put down in my intentions. And then you have a sense of pride when you’re evaluating and you did complete them.

Ariel Zachow

I think that we, in our friendship, have an interesting relationship with that. Because even though we’re not necessarily both following this book at this point, there’s accountability between the two of us because we each are running our own businesses, and we live very close to each other. So we see each other every day. And if sitting down and journaling is not your thing, it can be a buddy in your life, a support system, just somebody to hold you accountable. And accountability is something that we’ve talked about before on this show. It’s just not living this fantasy life of ignoring your problems. Because you can’t do that. Nothing beneficial comes from ignoring the difficulties in your life.

Samantha B

I think the most important thing off of what you’re saying is to make sure that you’re doing it daily. If you’re trying to make a change, and you’re just kind of doing it once a week, or you have a friend that you only see once a week, it doesn’t count. Like if you’re trying to change how you’re thinking, you need to care enough to do it for yourself daily.

Ariel Zachow

So you’re very much a tough love sort of person. I think it’s one of the best traits that you have. Because a lot of people can’t do that. How do you find that that translates into your relationship with yourself?

Samantha B

Oh, yeah, that’s tough one because, you know, honestly, it’s interesting, because I do not give myself as much tough love as I should. I’m tough on myself, I wouldn’t say that I give myself tough love. So that’s actually something I look for in other people to give to me, because I’m very much like, I treat other people the way that I want to be treated. So I want people to point things out to me that are going over my head or that I’m not paying attention to. But I’m not as good with myself, I’m just tough on myself. I kind of dropped with the love part of something I’m working on.

Ariel Zachow

That’s a very normal thing. And self image is a difficult thing to sort of get a grasp on. And I think that that’s where outside relationships become really important. Because the way that you talk to me is different than the way that you talk to yourself. And that goes in all directions. And to have somebody who cares about you, for you, with your better interest at heart is going to give you the tough love that you need. When maybe you can’t do it yourself. In a perfect world tou can. You can keep yourself accountable. But this is not perfect. Nobody’s perfect.

Samantha B

I think the best thing to is always to be striving to be better. Like back to the tough love thing. One of the biggest things I struggle with, because that’s my personality is that it can be very abrasive to other people. And so I’m giving somebody tough love because I love them or because I care about them, and then they hate me for it. So then that’s something else I have to counter as well. And I need people to hold me accountable and like say, ‘Okay, ithat might have been a little too far or that’s okay,’ if they can’t handle maybe they’re not somebody that’s intended for my life and what I need.

Ariel Zachow

Well, and there is a fine line between tough love and being a douche bag.

Samantha B

Do you think I’ve crossed that line yet?

Ariel Zachow

I think that everybody crosses that line, but I think that what changes is people’s ability to receive that. So I think that it is also I guess, in your case, because I know you so I know what your tough love version is. And you’re not a douche. So what you’re doing is out of love. And I can look at our relationship and say, ‘No, she cares about me. And I know that she’s saying this because she can see that it’s something that I can’t look at myself and give myself the tough love.’ So that’s what you provide. So be open to tough love from somebody else. It doesn’t have to be an attack. But it may feel like that if you’re living in this bubble of ‘I’m going to ignore my problems and everything’s fine. And everything’s just going to be okay.’

Samantha B

Right. And so actually, that brings up a really interesting point. Because I think that somebody is telling you something you don’t want to hear, and if they’re coming from a place of love, I think you should be really evaluating why you don’t want to hear it. And I think all of this comes down to being self aware and knowing how to communicate with people that you love. Because it can always be too much. And you’re allowed to put up boundaries and say, ‘You know what, I can’t talk about this right now. Like, I understand that you’re coming from a place where you care about me, but it’s too much.’ And respecting each other and knowing yourself worth is what’s going to help guide those relationships.

Ariel Zachow

So you’re giving me this smile right now, because I think we’re both thinking about the same thing. I’ve got this big trip coming up. And it’s a major stressor in my life. And

Samantha B

But at the same time you super want to do it.

Ariel Zachow

Right. And I know that when I’m open to hearing you say the things that I need to be changing about my life and my levels of stress, then you talk to me about them. But you also respect when I don’t want to talk about if I’m just not in a place where I can handle it. You give me the look, and then I give you the other look, and then we talk about something else.

Samantha B

Right. I can kind of see you shutting down and I’m like, ‘Okay, well, there, this is just kind of-I’m going to move on.’

Ariel Zachow

Right. But there is the possibility for that conversation at a later time. There’s no later time. But all of this comes back to the seed of gratitude, right? Because we kind of branched off the topic. But it all starts from the ability to be grateful for what you have, and to have sort of a positive spin on any situation.

“Gratitude really changed your perspective of your entire life…”

Samantha B

Gratitude really changes your perspective of your entire life, it changes your perspective of your relationship, it changes your perspective of where you are, at the point in your life, it changes your perspective of interactions that you have in the future, once you kind of are evaluating those things. It’s, it’s a huge shift. And I think that ultimately leads to an improved quality of life.

Ariel Zachow

It really is a sort of a setting for your mindset. Because if you wake up, like we’ve all have those days where you wake up and you’re like, ‘Oh, this day is going to suck, it’s just going to be a bad day,’ because that’s where your mindset is at. And while it’s unrealistic to think that you’ll never have those days, if your baseline is gratitude and being able to see the positive in any situation, that’s where you need to start. So we’ve talked about 12,000 things, but the baseline the starting point is gratitude. So how do you practice it? Now that you’ve you’ve gone through the book, you don’t do the app just yet,but how does this happen? Because you’ve laid the foundation of gratitude and practicing gratitude every day, what is your routine with it look like now?

Samantha B

So that’s kind of a loaded question. But let me see if I can answer it without extending this podcast to like, a million years. Because I’ve done the book, now I can kind of see myself slipping into those negative thought patterns again, and I can stop and reevaluate. And sometimes I don’t journal as often- I’m not like a big journal person. But I do feel like it helps me when I do it. So like, if I really need to get my head in the right place I will journal if it’s something where I just noticed, like negative thoughts repeating themselves, like stop and think of three things that I’m grateful for. Or I’ll try and see the positive in the situation that’s negative. I also do yoga, and meditation. And when I do meditation, I try and just think of things that I’m grateful for. Gratitude is almost always my mantra of some kind.

Ariel Zachow

So essentially you have coping skills when things are less than perfect, right? But you’ve put in the work. You didn’t just open the book and like, now you’re a guru.

Samantha B

And the work is the hardest part. Because you have to make yourself do it. And you have to care enough about yourself, and about your future to put in the work.

Ariel Zachow

Absolutely. And your situation is really interesting in that respect, because we both struggle a little bit on Long Island. It’s a really interesting place to be when neither of us are from here. So there’s this, I don’t know, maybe that’s why we’re such good friends, because there’s this sort of like, outsider quality that we have together. And we’re both deciding, you know, what do we do given those feelings and, and we don’t sit and just talk about how much we dislike it here or the struggles that we have, although we do that sometimes.

Samantha B

Honestly, that is okay. And it is necessary. Venting is okay. Just knowing when it’s going too far, or when it’s affecting your quality of life.

Ariel Zachow

So we take the time to get out all of the things so they’re not just sitting in us and you know, just making us feel bad. We’ll get them out. But then we can both say, so what are our options? And where do we go from here?

Samantha B

Or what do we like about it? Because yes, like I will say, there are a lot of things I’m struggling with with the culture here. But there are a lot of things I love about Long Island. I love how close to the beach I am I love how closest city I am. And those are the things that I focus on when I’m when I’m struggling on that topic in particular.

Ariel Zachow

Circling back to this idea of gratitude, this book was life changing for you. Right?

Samantha B

Yes. Only because of the exercise it like it created an exercise to help you change your own mindset. And other things might work for other people. Like maybe you just need an accountability buddy. Maybe you just need to write three things that you’re grateful for in the morning in the night, maybe you don’t need the whole book. I would recommend it. It’s only $20. It’s it’s definitely super cheap to to change the way that you see the world.

Ariel Zachow

So what are the most difficult parts for you now, in terms of practicing gratitude?

Samantha B

it’s really easy to slip back into a negative mindset, especially if you’re a ventor. I’m very much a ventor. I get a little witty and people laugh and it’s fun. So it can be easy, though, to have that venting kind of turn into like repeat. And then suddenly your world is spiraling out of control.

Ariel Zachow

So it’s finding the balance between venting and getting all of the bad stuff out, but not letting that be your guide. Any last little tidbits you want to add anything we haven’t covered?

“…you have to care enough about yourself, and about your future to put in the work.”

Samantha B

Um, I don’t think there’s anything we haven’t covered. I would definitely recommend, you know, like maybe having a buddy that you can talk to about these things. It’s really hard to change habits and your life if you’re the only one doing them. So can be really helpful or find a Facebook group or something like that, and just have a community of people that are going to help you shift your mindset and that are working on shifting their mindset to.

Ariel Zachow

Let’s talk about that for a second. Because that that’s often a recommended from my podcast guests- finding a Facebook group. I think that that’s very overwhelming. You don’t have to necessarily look for like a self help group, right? You have a group for your photography clients. There’s also like, I’m part of a bunch of traveling groups. Find something about your life that you like, sort of like your niche little bit and find a group in that. And inevitably, you’re going to find somebody in there that you click with.

Samantha B

Well, not only that, but the right groups will keep a positive attitude. I’m in a million Facebook group yet, but it’s so interesting how polarizing some of them are. And a lot of them depend on leadership. You know, if you’re in a group with a leader that is focused on being grateful, even if it’s not the topic of conversation, it’s going to be a completely different experience than being in a group where everybody just complains about how awful their life is. And I think it’s really important to kind of filter out the negativity in your life.

Ariel Zachow

And you’re allowed to be picky. If you have friends in your life and you don’t feel like you can have this sort of accountability buddy relationship with them, make more friends. You don’t have to look at the pool you’ve got and and pick somebody just because they’re near you, right. All right. Well, thank you. I appreciate you sharing your story. I think this is a good, easy way to get started. It’s an easy way to snowball a lot of things in your life to start to make things better. If people want to follow you on social media or connect with you, where should they go?

Samantha B

Well on Instagram, I am Seaweed And Diamonds. I’m also Seaweed And Diamonds on Facebook. And I do have a women’s only Facebook group. It’s #seayourselffree. Or you can go to my Facebook page and it’s linked there as well.

Ariel Zachow

Perfect. And you so you do photography, but you also travel when you do that. Can you talk about that a little bit?

Samantha B

Right. So I’m just all over the place. Um, so I’m in upstate New York often I also will frequent Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, the New England area. I’m frequent in Florida and I’ve been to the west coast a few times. And I’m hoping for a few more opportunities to go out that way. But sometimes I have pop up events for boudoir and I also photograph elopements and weddings.

Ariel Zachow

Well, you and I have a photo shoot for me in like two whole hours.

Samantha B

Yes. For your personal branding.

Ariel Zachow

So if you are stalking my Instagram and you like my photos, and they’re clearly not like crap selfie that I’ve taken, almost certainly Sam took them, so you should call her. Alright, so thank you again for your time this week and hopefully this was helpful show for you. If you want to contact me You can find me on instagram @compassion.as.my.compass. I would appreciate a review if you’ve got time for it on iTunes or Spotify and never hesitate to reach out and I will see you again next week for our next show.

September 5, 2019 0 comment

Interviews Podcasts

Secrets to Being a Happy Mom with Catherine Wilde

by ArielZachow August 29, 2019

Ariel Zachow

Hello, and welcome to Compassion As My Compass, a weekly podcast all about living yoga off the mat. I’m your host, Ariel Zachow. Each week we cover a new topic and discuss what small, easily implemented things you can do to follow a yogi lifestyle after your physical practice has ended. I am happy to say we’ve got another guest this week. Thank you for joining me today. We are going to talk about secrets to being a happy mom, and that’s something that we talk a lot about on this show, which is funny because I don’t have kids, so I can’t really share my input. But I can see that there’s a lot of pressure to be the perfect mom. And that really the doesn’t exist. You have to find your perfect situation with you and your life. But I would love to start with you telling us a little bit about yourself, so we know who you are going in.

Catherine Wilde

All right. First of all, thank you so much for having me, I’m excited to be here. My name is Catherine Wilde. I am a mom of three, and when I had my first daughter, my first daughter was born and I was over the moon excited. I was so happy. But I also remember feeling overwhelmed. And honestly really alone. When I became a mother, my world was turned upside down in a beautiful but rather messy way. I was tired. I didn’t know what to do. And even though I had read all the books, I wanted to be the perfect Mom. Like you said I was trying to do everything myself. I felt really insecure. And I felt like a failure as a mom. I was sure that if I shared what was going on for me, my struggles and challenges that I would be letting people know that I was a bad parent. So I was really stressed out. I was overwhelmed. I was sleep deprived. I’m sure a lot of the moms can relate to that. And I knew something had to change. So I started to invite self care into my life, and I began connecting with other moms. And I started to feel the peace that comes with knowing that I wasn’t alone and that I didn’t have to do it all alone. I think all moms have those days when we’re so stressed out that we just want to scream into a pillow or cry in a corner. And there’s just some hard days. Motherhood’s a challenging job, you know, and we’re, we’re guiding the next generation of people. We’re taking care of another human life. And we wear so many hats. And we’re on call just 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And it wasn’t until I really started being vulnerable with others and making those connections and taking care of myself that felt a sense of ease, and belonging. And now it feels like a lifetime ago that I was that scared, lonely mom. And our family has grown from my one daughter to three amazing daughters. We’ve had job changes and relocations. And we’ve even started our homeschooling journey. And along the way, I’ve met so many amazing moms that felt just like me. And I have a passion to help them feel not so alone. And to experience more calm and more playfulness in motherhood and in life in general. I like to- I don’t know, it kind of reminds me of the typical high school experience when you’re, you’re in a sea of you know, a lot of high schools are quite large, at least around here. And you’re going to see, like, all these people all physically walking down the hall together, that even though in the same place, I think a lot of them feel alone on their own islands, you know, and they think they, you know- you feel afraid to share what’s going on for you. Because you might be singled out or laughed at. And, and that’s kind of how I felt. Anyway, it’s an exhausting way to live.

Ariel Zachow

What role does community play for you now as a mom?

Catherine Wilde

So we live in like a digital world, which is really nice in a way that you can connect with your family, my family’s all over the world. And so that’s a great way to, to keep in touch with everyone, but I have to be careful not to dilute my friendships, you know? You can have hundreds and even thousands of friends these days are acquaintances, really, you know. And so just having a small group of friends that I feel comfortable sharing my fears with and my struggles with and we support each other, and we check in with each other. And it’s okay to be exactly who we are with those people we can feel safe in that way has helped me so much.

Ariel Zachow

So when did you get to the point where you felt like you could share your fears and your struggles? What was that journey like to being open finally and being vulnerable?

Catherine Wilde

Yeah, so I think it really happened like so, you know, I had my first daughter and I was making it work, you know, I was really stressed out, but we got the things that we needed to get done done in the day. And then my second daughter was born. And it was a lot. It was a lot managing two little kids and, and that’s when I realized, ‘okay, we have to do something. This can’t be what motherhood is like,’ you know, I wanted to have fun. And it felt like it was all work and I had to be super responsible. And now I can be playful with my kids. You know, I asked for help, and I need it. And I found it, people around me are willing to help, you know, when you ask, they just can’t read my mind. You have to ask.

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

Ariel Zachow

So something that I noticed from the outside- And it’s really easy for me to say because I don’t have kids, so I don’t know what the struggles are- But I see that a lot of people with parenting but just life in general, it can be really difficult to ask for help. What was that journey like for you going from feeling like you needed to be totally independent in your motherhood, but going, shifting, I guess, a little bit to being able to ask for help when you need it.

Catherine Wilde

Yeah, that’s a great question. Um, my mom was a single mom, who was an entrepreneur, and she was amazing, she did it all seemingly, you know. And so I think I held on to some of that, like, I needed to be this strong woman and and that maybe asking for help was a sign of weakness. And what I found was asking for help is actually one of the bravest things you can do, you know. It means you know what you need and want, and you’re courageous enough to achieve what you need.

Ariel Zachow

So do you have go to secrets or tips for for being a happy mom?

Catherine Wilde

You know, for me, asking for help is really important. But, but going beyond your relationship with others, it was kind of turning inward for me and looking at my relationship with myself. You know, so you have a, you know, a best friend and you can you can finish each other’s sentences, right, you can see when she’s having a bad day. And I noticed that I, I didn’t, I couldn’t do that for myself, like, I wasn’t really tuned into what I needed and wanted. And so just noticing my thoughts and becoming more aware of that has helped me so much in stepping out of my thoughts and seeing what my inner critic is saying, you know. So I have a couple of things that I do. And one of them is just to pause and breathe whenever you notice that you’re getting overwhelmed or anxious. And you may not catch yourself before you’re doing it because that was a process for me too, but you get better at it, or I got better at it. And so now I can notice as I’m getting anxious before I get upset, and just take a few deep breaths or step into another room. Another thing that I like to do is just have reminders around the house or wear a touchstone like mala beads or something that is physical that can remind you to give yourself some grace, you know, or like a digital wallpaper on your phone or something with it, inspirational staying, or it may be just says ‘breathe’. And one other thing that I like to do is it helps me flip that switch from negativity to positivity is whenever I hear my myself getting into a judgmental sort of mind frame, I try to take a minute to find things that I’m grateful for. And that just changes my perspective.

Ariel Zachow

How much of this self awareness journey is driven by the the thought that your daughters are watching you and learning from you?

Catherine Wilde

So much of it. I’m sure this is true for mothers and sons. I want my daughters to have self compassion and love themselves for exactly who they are and ask for help when they need it. And my vision for my family is to be friends with them when they’re adults, you know, and for them to be able to feel like they can come to me even with the hard stuff. And so that’s been a big driver, a big motivation for me.

Ariel Zachow

Do you talk to them specifically about self care? Or is it just an example that you’re setting through your actions?

Catherine Wilde

Both, I do try to make my selfcare a priority, especially now that they’re getting a little older. My youngest is one and a half and so you know, I can leave her more often and dad can help, but also whenever they do get upset, we talk about what that means, you know. It’s not you really wanted that toy, it means that you needed to take a step back and do something for yourself. And we snuggle and give hugs. And there’s the emotion is sending a message. And that’s what we can talk about, like what do you need right now? What can you do for yourself? So they can start seeing and can be more in touch with what they need, which took me to my adulthood to figure out.

Ariel Zachow

How have you noticed their behavior has changed with this because I don’t think this is something that most parents do. It’s can be very difficult to raise kids. And there’s a lot of heightened emotions and feelings. And so maybe some people are feeling overwhelmed if their child is having a fit or is feeling very upset. So you have this sort of different view of ‘Okay, well, why do you have these feelings?’ So how do you notice that they’re different from children their age?

Catherine Wilde

Yes, I think they feel safe to show me their emotions. But also now that we’ve kind of practice that where they know that there’s something behind their emotion, they’ll even do it for me. So if they can see I’m getting anxious, they’ll come give me hugs, and they’ll say mom needs extra hugs today, you know, that sort of thing.

Ariel Zachow

What do you think is a good age to begin this conversation?

Catherine Wilde

So my one and a half year old does this- when she falls down, she looks at me, she’ll walk over to me and give me a hug, because that’s what she needs. So you can start it from the beginning.

Ariel Zachow

So circling back to community, if someone say they’re very removed from their family, or they’re in a place where they don’t know a lot of people, what’s a good way for them to get started to build the community that they need for support?

Catherine Wilde

I would say if you have young kids find a playgroup. There’s so many moms going through what you’re going through, and they’re happy to be there, you know, for you to lean on them to listen to you. Or, if your kids are older, you might just find a group of moms, they get together for another reason, you know, exercise or hobby. Pretty much every mom can be there for you. And you’ll start to find the ones that you really connect with and can build a stronger relationship with and feel safe talking with.

Ariel Zachow

Have you come across in your experience- I’m not even sure what you would call it. But women sometimes are not super great to each other. I don’t know what it is, but typically women don’t like each other. Is it different in a motherhood setting?

Catherine Wilde

I have seen a lot of judgment too, but what I’ve learned about judgment, and just through my self-reflection, is that is that those moms are probably scared. And, you know, and wanting help too. The things that I judge myself for are the things that I find myself judging others for are things that I judge about myself. So now I have a lot of compassion for for moms that maybe they just need somebody to reach out, you know, maybe they just need those extra hugs today. I think that’s helped me bridge that gap with moms that- it’s also a way to put up a wall, you know, when you’re pushing people away, when you’re judging them and not being this kind.

Ariel Zachow

How do you recommend somebody gets to the point where they feel like they can comfortably ask for help?

Catherine Wilde

That can be challenging. It might depend on their personal experience, what they’ve been through when they’ve asked for help in the past, or whether or not they see it as a weakness. I don’t have a concrete answer there.

Ariel Zachow

It’s a tough one, because it’s very different for each individual. But I do think that it’s something that can bridge parenthood and otherwise. And you totally you hit the nail on the head before- you said that a lot of people perceive it as a weakness. And it’s totally not. Nobody can be everything all the time. Like it would be super great if we could, but getting to the place where you’re able to ask for help, even if it’s, you know, ‘hey, do you mind picking up some apples on the way home?’ Some people really struggle with even being able to do that. So do you do you find yourself as being someone now who has no problems at all asking for help, is it just easier?

Catherine Wilde

It’s still a journey for me, and it’s a lot easier. I read the Five Love Languages book with my husband a while back, and I find that- so his is acts of service. And so when I asked him to do something, he takes that as a way of showing love for me, you know, so that taught me a lot too to see it in that way, right. That him helping me is a way for him to show me love. And it makes it not so hard for me to ask.

Ariel Zachow

And is he totally on board with the- I don’t know if calling it a style of parenting is the right way to phrase it. But does he feel similarly to how you do?

Catherine Wilde

I think we’ve both been on this journey. But yes, we both try to be as compassionate as we can and open with our kids as we can. So yes, I think so.

Ariel Zachow

What are some of the biggest struggles that you face?

“So that is one of the myths I want to debunk is that self care is not selfish.”

Catherine Wilde

Good question. Um, I still have lots of struggles, I’m still learning along the way. I think that’s been one of my big ‘aha’ is that I’m never going to know it all. Like, before I had kids, I read all the books, you know. So it’s like, ‘Okay, I got this.’ And I don’t think you ever have it, you know, you’re always learning and growing. And that’s, that’s part of life. It’s part of being here, I think.

Ariel Zachow

How do you approach the trial and error of it? Because I think a lot of people become very overwhelmed knowing that there’s, there’s no right answer, and you’ll never come to a place where everything’s perfect, and you understand everything. So how do you recommend somebody go in excited and willing to fail and try and find what works for them?

Catherine Wilde

Yeah, I’ve had to take life a little less seriously, and be able to laugh at myself a little bit. Um, so instead of, you know, shutting down and being upset when things didn’t go my way, or I failed at something, I more and more can be like, ‘Oh, hey, that didn’t work out. Let’s see what we can try and do that differently.’ Does that answer the question?

Ariel Zachow

Yes. Is there anything that you would change? Looking back on the journey now?

Catherine Wilde

I don’t think so. I, I feel like I went through what I went through, and everybody’s gone through their journey to learn something and, I wouldn’t change it.

Ariel Zachow

How should someone get started if they’re looking at their life and being a mother, whether they’re a new mom, or they’ve been a mom for a while, and they’re feeling unhappy, and the societal pressures to be perfect, and they can’t ask for help- what’s a good starting point?

Catherine Wilde

You mentioned societal pressures, and we were talking about, like the digital world and social media earlier, I think maybe it’s taking a step back from that and gaining perspective on what what people post. Usually, they’re posting, like, their happy moments and their good side, and they’re not showing you the moments in between where the kids were crying, and there’s food on the, you know, all over their clothes and hair, and you’re not getting that whole picture there. You know? And just to keep that in mind when you feel that pressure to be perfect.

Ariel Zachow

To you, are the difficulties and the growing pains and the trial and error- is that part of being a happy mom? Is it a part of the journey that you can embrace?

Catherine Wilde

Yes, I am more able to embrace that now. I can laugh at myself, and not in a cruel way, but just as like, ‘Oh, that was you know, we can try that again.’ I have so much joy and being imperfect now, and just allowing myself to learn things instead of shutting down. I can be curious, and be open to new perspectives and changes in opinions. Because there isn’t one straight line to follow. There’s so many paths, you know, and you get to choose. And that’s part of the fun of life, I think.

Ariel Zachow

And how do you hope that building the importance of this self care routine will affect your girls growing up?

Catherine Wilde

I hope that it helps them tune into themselves to have unconditional self love and compassion for themselves and others. I hope it helps them make beautiful connections with their friends and helps them see life as a fun, beautiful journey.

Ariel Zachow

And is your self care routine something that you do as a family? Or are there parts that are specifically for you that make you feel good? Do you do those by yourself? Or do you involve your girls? What is your self care routine like?

Catherine Wilde

Okay, um, I do both. I do like to do yoga myself, I like to do a little journaling. Sometimes I like to take a bubble bath, things like that. And then with the girls, we homeschool and I am a yoga instructor with some training and kids yoga as well. And so we do kids yoga as part of our movement and a way to start our day. We snuggle, we read stories together. I tried to make sure each girl gets one on one time with me so that they can tell me about their day and feel seen and heard every day.

Ariel Zachow

And is the self care that you routine that you do for yourself and by yourself, is that something that you think is important to continuing to be a happy mom? The individual personal time?

Catherine Wilde

Yes, absolutely. Part of my self care is meditation and, and that’s helped me so much with connecting with myself and really learning what I need. And we talked about like being aware of my thoughts and judgments of myself. And that’s, that’s where I was able to become aware of that and begin to have more compassion for myself, which helps me as a mom, because I can give myself more grace.

Ariel Zachow

Have you struggled in the past or now with taking time for yourself? That’s something that I find a lot of moms struggle with is taking dedicated time just for themselves because they feel maybe like they’re taking it away from their children. Is that something that you’ve always sort of had down, i just come naturally or is that something you’ve struggled with?

Catherine Wilde

Yes. So that is one of the myths I want to debunk is that self care is not selfish. That was a big ‘aha’ moment for me as well, that self care was one of the most selfless things that I could do. I like the image of the stewardess on the airplane giving the safety demonstration at the beginning of a flight. And she shows you how to put your oxygen mask on and instructs you to put it on yourself before helping anyone else, including your own kids. And that just goes against all of our motherly instincts. But if you consider that if you help your children, or anyone else first, you might run out of oxygen in the process, right, you wouldn’t be able to help anyone. And when I began to look at self care in that same way, it made it easier for me to see that it wasn’t really a luxury, it was a necessity to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Ariel Zachow

That’s really well put, I love that. That’s a it’s a it can be a difficult concept for people to grasp, I think, because in my experience, and in my beliefs, you can’t be the best mom or wife or friend or anything unless you’re taking care of yourself first. And I think that’s a tough thing for people to sort of wrap their head around. So I love that. I’m going to use that. Do you have any last little tidbits you want to add?

Catherine Wilde

I would say your self care doesn’t have to look like 30 minutes in the morning if you don’t have that. Sometimes when you don’t know what your schedule is like it kind of runs on their clock but just the pausing during the day whenever you can and breathing is an amazing way to just add moments of self care to your day. It doesn’t have to be complicated and take a long time.

Ariel Zachow

And if people want to follow you on social media, where should they go?

Catherine Wilde

I am on Facebook as Simply Joyful Journey and on Instagram, @simpljoyfuljou. And I have a free gift for your audience and it’s a self care journal for moms. It’s a seven day journal with simple prompts and quotes inspirational quotes to help you fit little moments of self care into your day. I wanted to keep it simple. It just takes a minute today. And you can find it at www.simplyjoyfuljourney.com/journal.

Ariel Zachow

Perfect. Well thank you so much for taking the time to do this. I love your look on things and your experiences I think are perfect. And I am hopeful that this will be helpful for a lot of people.

Catherine Wilde

Oh, me too. Thank you so much for having me.

Ariel Zachow

Yes, thank you. And as always a big thank you to you as my listeners for spending another week with me here on the show. I really appreciate all of your time. If you have any questions, comments or concerns you can reach out to me on instagram @compassion.as.my.compass or send an email to ariel@compassionasmycompass.com I would super appreciate it if you left a review on iTunes or Spotify or wherever you’re listening if you’ve got a little time or if you have any topics that you would like covered, please send them over to me on Instagram or via email. Thank you again for your time this week and I will see you again next week for another show.

August 29, 2019 0 comment

Interviews Podcasts

Persistence in the Face of Adversity with Jimmy Clare

by ArielZachow July 5, 2019

Ariel Zachow

Hello, and welcome to Compassion As My Compass, a weekly podcast all about living yoga off the mat. I’m your host, Ariel Zachow. Each week we cover a new topic and discuss what small, easily implemented things you can do to follow a yogi lifestyle after your physical practice has ended. The topic of this week’s show is persistence in the face of life’s limitation. And I’m excited to welcome our next guest, and he’s going to share his story and his journey with all of the speed bumps that life has sort of thrown in his way and what he does to continue to push forward in spite of that. So thank you for joining me today. I’m very excited because you’re my first male guest. It’s been a lot of women so far. So it’s very exciting! But why don’t you start by telling us your story telling us a bit about you?

Jimmy Clare

Well, my name is Jimmy Clare. I run a health and wellness website, geared towards people on the autism spectrum. And I created because I want to educate people further about autism coming from an actual autism kind of person like me. I seen a lot of people who are considered experts and who has a fancy degree and everything, but why not share it from somebody who actually has it, then just an expert opinion.

Ariel Zachow

Now, what caused you to get into this in the first place? Where you going to a trainer and you felt like you weren’t being heard? Or did you just notice that there was like a missing place?

Jimmy Clare

Oh, I think the reason why I wanted to do it is because I started when I started college, I noticed that there was a lot of different things in college and high school and middle school and elementary school, where I got more health and more support. And when I was in college, I find that there’s like, kind of, in my opinion, I feel like there’s kind of like a kind of scam going on in college where there’s like, ‘Oh, well, we want to help you. We want to help people with autism,’ but then when you ask for extra help and everything they say, ‘well, we have to go by the state guidelines,’ and well, like the state knows anything that is best for us, not to get any political anything.

Ariel Zachow

So what has the reaction been like for you?

Jimmy Clare

Um, well, me as my business or?

Ariel Zachow

Yeah, being the voice that that you needed, essentially.

Jimmy Clare

I feel like I’m sticking up for myself and sticking up for lot of people in the community. That we’re just not getting the support that we need. And I feel like I could, there’s a lot of places I could improve upon. I feel like I’m getting there. I even said on my Facebook page yesterday, that one of my, one of the things I really want to change, if I ever got up to that higher level up on the food chain, more people start listening. I mean, like higher up people listening. I would like to change how colleges give people help on the autism spectrum.

Ariel Zachow

How did you get the courage to be sort of a pioneer in this specific industry?

Jimmy Clare

Well, I’m really passionate about health and wellness. And it probably started when I got my, when I started college when I was going for my personal training associate’s degree, which I’m still continuing to get and then hopefully got to get my health and wellness degree in a four year college. And I think that’s why it all came came together and started for me, as I thought it was I wanted to go this route. Because Yeah, like I said, I, I just find that there’s a lot of limitations that you have, you can only get so many accommodations in classes.

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

Ariel Zachow

How has this journey started for you? Was there a specific moment where you knew that you needed to be the voice? Or was this sort of a gradual thing that you’ve you’ve worked your way into?

Jimmy Clare

um, I think it was a gradual way. I just started building up. It started when I got bullied in high school, and middle school and elementary school. And then I had some teachers who, well just one teacher, maybe two teachers at most, who kind of understand my learning challenges. And they thought one way is the best way to teach everyone. And I was like, ‘that that doesn’t work,’ and so it was just kind of a big build up that as like, I’m not getting help from anyone. I asked for help. I didn’t get help. And there’s only been literally one teacher who has been helping me and still is helping me in college. She’s like a mentor to me, encourages me to keep pushing through even at my roughest times.

Ariel Zachow

How do you keep the courage and the energy to keep going when you have so many people turn you down or say no or sort of brush you off? Because I think a lot of people get get really overwhelmed by that, and they will let it defeat them. But it doesn’t sound like you let that slow you down.

Jimmy Clare

Well, there’s some days where, I have to be honest, where sometimes it does slow me down. But then I kind of remember- I try to remind myself every single day that I want to prove all these people wrong. And I just kind of want to see that look on their face, like this picture of my head. Now I just really want to, like prove these people wrong and say, ‘hey, guess what? I’m on the top of food pyramid. Are you still doing a nine to five job?’

Ariel Zachow

When you’re in your studies, and so you’re you’re in school now, do you find that the material is catered towards you? Or do you have to make shifts so that it’s more easily understood by yourself and more applicable to you? How do you make those adjustments? Or do you not have to?

Jimmy Clare

I definitely have to make those adjustments. I have, like I said, one of my teachers I had in seventh and eighth grade, she’s been helping me. Tutoring me. I also get help from my parents trying to understand the biology that I had to go through. I had to take two biology classes this summer, which is always fun. One is chemistry that I never had in high school. So I was like, ‘Oh, this is not going to be that great.’ And so I find that I have to reach multiple sources just to understand the material, some easier than theirs. Technology has come easy for me at times. But biology, some of it has actually been, actually maintaining in my head, which is kind of a shock because I didn’t really care for science back in high school.

Ariel Zachow

Do you find that having to make these shifts gives you a more rounded education compared to your classmates?

Jimmy Clare

Um, not as not very much. I feel like it can, I feel like I have more of like a steep learning curve. So what might comes some easier to others they kind of more like a struggle to me. So what might take somebody like maybe like an hour to to catch on, it might take me three or four or five more multiple hours to catch on if someone is teaching me.

Ariel Zachow

So let’s shift to your fitness routine. Because you have spinal stenosis as well, correct? Can you tell us give sort of like an overview of what that is and what that means for you?

Jimmy Clare

Okay, um, well, I’m no doctor. So I’m going to explain the way I learned from my doctor over time. And he likes to use a lot of fancy languages, but I was like, just tell me to the very basics. And he told me that basically, my vertebrae is basically pushing on my spinal cord tightly, and only get me like, a very few inches, just to turn my neck side to side. But I can’t really turn it all the way to the side. So I had to basically turn my whole body, which is just kind of annoying in my car too. And I also use a big NASCAR kind of rear view mirror, as an attachment is that block at all blind spots in the car.

Ariel Zachow

So how does this translate into your fitness routine?

Jimmy Clare

Well, there’s a lot of exercises that I kind of had to stay away from, like, let me give you an example. They, one of the exercises I had to stay away from is like, I don’t know if you ever have the Superman.

Ariel Zachow

So I’m a personal trainer too. And I’m like, ‘Oh my god, what are the moves,’ cause I know all the moves. And now I can’t think of a single one.

Jimmy Clare

Hyper extensions. I can’t do that, because when I lift up my neck it’s really, really uncomfortable and this puts too much stress on my neck. So I tend to avoid anything that would put too much stress on the neck or anything. And because if I do that, or get into a bad car accident, I could be paralyzed from head to toe.

Ariel Zachow

So is that something that you keep in mind? So, you know, for example, if somebody has a problem with their shoulder, then they’ll avoid shoulder moves. Or if they’ve got problems with their hips, they’ll avoid things that can cause them stress there. Is this something that you use as sort of your guiding- you know, ‘okay, I can’t do this and this and this move, how do I work around it?’ Is that a main focus for you?

Jimmy Clare

Yeah, and also I try before I even like say no to a certain move on move, see if there’s a way I can modify it. Or if I was doing like a Beachbody on demand program, I might look to see what the modifier is doing, and if the modifier still doesn’t work, I tend to skip it and say, ‘you know, I can’t do it. I don’t know any other exercises that I could do instead of that,’ and so I just wait for the next exercise and I scroll right through to like 30 seconds past exercise.

“Don’t let the limitations in your life slow you down. Be persistent. Keep pushing forward, even though the hard times seem to get the better of you.”

Ariel Zachow

I think that’s something really important to reiterate. I find that a lot of people feel like they have to be able to do every single move, and if they don’t do the move then they’re not doing it right. And what gets lost with that is safety. And even if you’re somebody with a, you know, a seemingly perfect body, if there are certain things that you can’t do, and they don’t feel right, you totally should not do them. People lack the ability to say, ‘you know what, this move doesn’t work in my body. I’m gonna move on.’ So how has that always been a trait that you have? Because I it’s so rare, it’s so refreshing.

Jimmy Clare

I was born with it. Unfortunately. I was not dealt with the great the greatest cards of autism, spinal stenosis, knees point in and more. I also had nine ear surgeries for- I basically was deaf in my right ear. And so they put in, I don’t know what they call it. I don’t know the technical stuff, medical stuff for it. But I was like, basically a metal device to help me hear. And I can hear all that. It’s just titanium. Which is so doesn’t set off the metal detectors that the airport. That would be embarrassing.

Ariel Zachow

Um, so you seem like somebody who’s had an immense number of speed bumps sort of thrown in your way, but you don’t appear to let them stop you or slow you down. You seem to self adjust very, very well. How do you suggest somebody who’s in a similar position keep going despite all of the speed bumps?

Jimmy Clare

I would say that there’s always kind of a workaround in there, even if you have to- take a for instance, sometimes, like when I’m in school, college, or when I was in high school and middle school, I needed help. And I wasn’t getting that help, I always went over somebody else’s head. Because I’m coming here to learn, and I don’t have to come here to learn. Except when I was in middle school and high school, by law, I have to go but as I, I want to learn, I need help. Like I said, I need help when I was getting bullied, but it took the principles and multiple other people a thousand times to finally learn that I can’t get- I was even getting hit in the neck by this neck game. And so I told the principal, I told teachers, and, and the principal was the kind of like, ‘uhhh’ and so my advice would have to be to everybody, be persistent, and keep asking for help. And if they don’t get give you help right away, keep annoying them. Because that’s what I do.

Ariel Zachow

Perfect. Any last little tidbits you want to add before we wrap up?

Jimmy Clare

Probably I would say don’t let the limitations in your life slow you down. Be persistent. Keep pushing forward, even though the hard times seem to get the better of you.

Ariel Zachow

Beautifully said. Can you tell me a bit about your website, where people can follow you on social media, all that sort of stuff?

Jimmy Clare

Yeah. You can find my website at www.crazyfitnessguy.com. And you can follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. And if you want to follow Crazy Fitness Guy as well, they have it on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest and Medium. And there’s too many others. If I had to ever redo, if I ever had a restart, I would never do it this way ever again. I was like three or four. But it’s kind of too late for that.

Ariel Zachow

Well, thank you for taking the time to talk with me today. And I really appreciate you sharing your story. I found it very fascinating and very interesting and very inspirational. So thank you, I totally appreciate it. As always, if you have any questions, comments or concerns, you can reach out to Jimmy or you can reach out to myself. You can find me on instagram @compassion.as.my.compass, or send an email to ariel@compassionasmycompass.com. If you like this show, if you have listened to a few or I don’t know, just this one, I guess, I would so appreciate a comment or review. You know, give me a couple stars on iTunes or Spotify or wherever you’re listening to me. If you have any topics that you would like covered that I have not yet, please reach out to me. I’m always looking for new ideas. And I’m always interested in getting more guests on the show, so if you or somebody you know would like to guest, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Thank you again for your time this week. I hope you had a wonderful holiday if you’re one of my American listeners, or just you know, just generally a nice week if you’re not an American listener. And thank you. I will see you all again next week for our next show.

July 5, 2019 0 comment

Interviews Podcasts

Meditating on Big Decisions

by ArielZachow June 20, 2019

Ariel Zachow
Welcome to Compassion As My Compass, a weekly podcast all about living yoga off the mat. I’m your host, Ariel Zachow. Each week we cover a new topic and discuss what small, easily implemented things you can do to follow a yogi lifestyle after your physical practice has ended. I am super excited, as always, for my next guest, and we have a very, very special guest this week. My mom, Christine Zachow is going to join us today. And so mom, hi, welcome. Thank you for coming.

Christine Zachow

Thank you for such a lovely introduction.

Ariel Zachow

So you recently graduated from college? Correct?

Christine Zachow

I did, yes. Took me a long time, but I got there eventually.

Ariel Zachow

So why don’t you start by telling us a little bit about that journey, because that will lead into our topic of the day.

Christine Zachow

For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to go back and get my degree. I think a lot of people can relate to my experience that, that you get going in life, you’re just living, right, you’re taking one day at a time life gets in the way. And I don’t like that term, that life gets in the way, life happens, life does what it does. And if you just allow it to unfold as it does without having necessarily a general purpose, or, you know, when unexpected things happen, or maybe they’re expected and your response is unexpected. Life doesn’t always go the way you you think it will, or where you have planned for it to go. I always knew that I wanted to get married and have children- that was always something that I understood was going to be part of my life. And when that happened, school got put on hold. I think when I was younger, even before I got married and started having kids, I had to support myself. So you know, being able to put food on the table and pay my rent and my utility bills got in the way of being able to complete my degree. So fast forward to my 50th year, and it kind of felt like the stars all aligned for me, if you will, in order that I had this opportunity to finally go back and finish my degree. I enrolled in a program that would take me two years to complete. I work at a location where the education level of the average employee is on average, is PhD and higher. I mean, you know, PhD and much more, much more school, much more education than than the average person. But that’s the environment I’m in every day. So there’s always been this, on top of my own wishing that I had completed that degree earlier, is this, this environment that I’m in that reminds me on a daily basis, ‘You are not educated, you’re not formally educated.’ And when I say educated, I’m talking formally, right? An institution granting a degree.

Ariel Zachow

How much of that do you think is is self imposed?

Christine Zachow

A lot of it, I think a lot of it. You can’t deny my particular circumstances where I work because of because of the people that I work with within their, you know, super big education and the lots of letters and whatnot behind their name, you can’t deny that that is part of it. But for me personally, it’s not the biggest part, the biggest part is a feeling that I just didn’t do it. That maybe I’m guilty of chasing breadcrumbs. So you know, I graduate from high school, and, ‘oh, here’s a job that I can get.’ I had a friend whose father got me my first job after I graduated high school, but it was a part time job. So I did enroll in school and I was more- this is going back a long way so I’m not entirely sure the true details of this. I believe I was enrolled in school full time for the first almost year. But I was working part time because I had moved out of my parents house. I was living with my sister. And we were splitting the rent and utilities and I didn’t have any savings. So I had to have a job to make my bills and be able to live in the city where I was going to school. So I grabbed that bread crumb, right. And then another job opportunity came up where I had two part time jobs. And that was nice to have a little bit left over when all the bills have been paid. So I grabbed that bread crumb. And very quickly, I learned I can’t do two part time jobs. One of them started at midnight and went until 4am. I can’t do that and go to school and keep my grades up and all of that stuff. So unfortunately, school fell by the wayside. And throughout my life, I occasionally went back, enrolled, did it for a while, but then another breadcrumb would fall. And I would look at that and go pick that up. And you know, school was always, always the first thing to go.

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

Ariel Zachow

Was there a point where you felt like you had this dream of completing your degree, but you felt like your the opportunity had passed that it was no longer an option for you?

Christine Zachow

Absolutely, yeah. Because, you know, you get to, for me anyway, I got to about 40 years old, when I thought it won’t do me any good. Why? Why would I go back to school at this point, I have a career, it may not be the career I would have chosen if I weren’t chasing those breadcrumbs, but it is a career, it is paying the bills it. It’s not something I’m necessarily passionate about, but I do like it. It’s not a bad job. It just it served a purpose, if you will.

Ariel Zachow

When the opportunity for this schooling comes up, what is your thought process?

Christine Zachow

For the program that I just finished it? It was just honestly, it was an off handed remark that I made to my supervisor who is a good friend of mine. We get along really well, we hike together, we do things socially, but we also work together really well. And she happens to be at the time she was my supervisor, and I just made this comment, ‘oh, now would be a good time for me to go back to school.’ And she looked at me and she said, ‘Yeah, you’re going back to school.’ She said, ‘the company will pay for it. Why wouldn’t you do this?’ And I didn’t, I guess I didn’t really know that was an option, that the company would pay for it. And when she said that, that just kind of got the ball rolling and I looking back? Well, I can tell you on my first day of class, we went around the room, and our task was to introduce ourselves tell the rest of the class what we do and why we were in the program. It came around to me and I didn’t have a good answer for that. I told them who I was what I did, and I said as far as why I’m in this program, I don’t know how it happened, a ball just started rolling. And it just went and here I am. So I did eventually discover why I was in the program. It was personally, it was it was huge. For me, it made a huge difference in the way I walk through life. So it turned out to be a really, really good thing for me. But I can say, with the exception of knowing that my supervisor wanted me to do it, I don’t think I was ever in it because I thought it would do anything for my career. It has, in a roundabout way, it has because I act differently because of the skills that I picked up in the program. So I’m more of my my own proponent. Since the program I’ve gotten two rather large raises, which was really nice. And I’ve been promoted, my job is now shifting a bit. But that’s not because I have a degree. It’s because I act differently. And I am, I feel, more the captain of my ship.

Ariel Zachow

So you go through and you complete the program. And it’s very challenging, it requires an immense amount of time, but you do it you have the accomplishment, and not long after you have the opportunity to go back right for a further degree.

Christine Zachow

I do. So what came out of the program that I just finished was this really wonderful community. There were 20 of us in our cohort, and we did the entire two year program together, we all started together and we all finished together, which is a little bit unheard of generally, you know, one or two drop out or what have you. But all 20 of us finished and I really loved the feeling of family that I got from that community. As you know, I am me here where I live. My children have moved away, I don’t live near my family of origin. So it was really nice to, to have this two year experience with these people and feel like they truly are my family. So whenever the opportunity arises to spend time with them to, to socialize or do anything, I jump on it. And one of the women that I I see, at least on a monthly basis, mentioned that she was going to an informational meeting about the master’s program at the same school and I found out another person was going. And right after that out that I found out that another one of our cohort members had already signed up for it and was accepted and planning to start in September. So I have this opportunity to go and hear about the masters program. So you got to see the best and worst of me through the past two years as wonderful and growth full- and I don’t know what other word I want to use there just as as much as I got out of that program- it also was incredibly hard. It was stressful. There were times when I was completely elated and times when I was curled up in a ball, just you know doing the fetal rock because I was just overly stressed. You know, I’m doing this all while I’m holding down a 40 hour a week job, right. So you got to see all of that. So I knew that you would have my back. So on my way to the informational session. I called you from the car. And as you’ll recall my words were, ‘I need you to remind me how difficult the last two years were and instruct me not to sign up for anything tonight.’

Ariel Zachow

Yeah, so knowing that it was such a massive undertaking the first time but with a massive reward, talk us through what you did to come to this decision. And you did it in a very short amount of time. You did it in a couple of days so that you could meet the deadline. I think often people are faced with a really, really massive decision and they panic and don’t spend the time to think through all of the options. But you did you actually took the time to do that. So why don’t you tell us what that process was like.

Christine Zachow

Going into it, obviously, I knew something when I made that call to you, right, I knew enough about myself that I was going to get excited about the program. I expected I would look at it and see that it was a good fit. But I also knew that I shouldn’t make a decision in the moment. I know that about myself after years of making poor quick decisions.

Ariel Zachow

So you’re who I get my impulsive personality from!

Christine Zachow

Yes, you’re welcome. You’re welcome. I’m so driving up to the campus. I prior to the call, even at the call, I was pretty sure the answer was going to be no. i i was I’m still recovering from those two years, reward and all, I’m still recovering. And I definitely know that professionally it won’t do much for me. So if I get anything out of it, it’s certainly going to be a personal situation. So anyway, I’m going into it and I’m thinking, ‘I’m really here just to spend the evening with my two good friends. And I’ll be there to support them as they decide to or not to go on this journey.’ So I’m pretty solid that nothing’s going to happen. But I also know myself and that’s why I called you. So I go to informational session, and the director of the program tells us all about it and the whole time I’m sitting there thinking, ‘oh my god. These people sat down and they wrote this program for Christine Zachow!’ It was so appealing to me, it just spoke to me on such a deep level. And we get to the end, we’ve been asking and answering questions, and the director was sitting right next to me. She turns to me, and she says, ‘so Christine, you’ve heard a lot tonight, there’s a lot to digest, but how are you feeling about this program?’ And I just laughed, and I said, ‘You know, I had to call my daughter on the way here because I knew I would get here and be really excited after I heard what you had to say, but I reminded her to remind me not to sign up for anything in the moment. I’m exactly where I expected to be. I’m really excited about it. I think it’s definitely something that I want to do. But I I’m gonna have to take a couple days, and make sure that it’s not just the excitement of this moment. And this is really the right thing for me.’ So the three of us, my other two cohort members and I, went to dinner afterward, and we’re talking and Henry decides that yes, he’s he’s definitely going to sign up and he wants the other two of us to sign up with him. And I said, ‘I’m not saying no, but I’m saying I need I need some time to think about it.’ So that was a Wednesday evening, I got up on Thursday went to work and you called me, you promised that you would and that we would discuss it. And you said some really profound things to me. You mentioned that you reminded me how difficult the two years were and you very gently said, ‘but I know you know that.’ And then you reminded me that I have been somewhat out of sorts since the the program ended. And that I’ve mentioned that I’ve been looking for something to fill that space, to fill that void, to focus on.

Ariel Zachow

A direction.

“It reminded me that even if this is your decision, there have been so many times in my life when when I’ve had other things happening, and I always get good answers when I hike.”

Christine Zachow

A direction. Thank you. Yes. And that really resonated with me. And you said maybe this is it. But you also said maybe it isn’t it. So that was and then you reminded me go hike, ‘you need to go hike Mom, you get your answers when you hike’, and I happen to have Friday off. And I haven’t been hiking because I’ve been immersed in a two year program that took all of my time. I’m really good at focusing on one thing, and really good at letting all of the other stuff around it completely drop because I don’t have the ability to do more than one thing at once. So I got up Friday morning, I thought about it thursday night when I came home, I tried to get quiet and be with myself and my thoughts and just kind of sit with it and went to bed. Got up Friday morning, had my coffee and I was really purposeful about the weekend being about making this decision. So Friday morning I’m sitting with my coffee, just being quiet with myself and thinking about the things that you had said and your words about having a direction just touched me to my core. And I could just really connect with that. And I sat there and went, ‘I’m going to do this program. I’m definitely going to do this program. It’s it’s the right thing. I feel it. I know this is the right thing. I don’t need to hike.’ And then that little voice that is so wonderful inside my head that pops in when I really need it to popped in and said, ‘You really should go hike.’ It reminded me that even if this is your decision, there have been so many times in my life when when I’ve had other things happening, and I always get good answers when I hike. So I thought’ what can it hurt, I’ve got my decision. But let’s let’s go hike. Let’s let’s just go hike. Let’s get some exercise, get some fresh air get out there.’ So I did, I went to a hill that’s not too far from here, it’s about a four and a half mile loop and it’s it’s pretty steep so it makes you work a little bit.

Ariel Zachow

(laughing) It’s excruciating!

Christine Zachow

That’s that’s a strong word.

Ariel Zachow

But accurate word.

Christine Zachow

(laughing) You’re right it is. So I go out and I’m really excited, I get to get some fresh air, the weather is just fantastic. It couldn’t be nicer. It’s not too hot, not too cold. It’s just perfect for hiking, and I get halfway up the hill. And you know, I haven’t been hiking in two years. So I’m breathing hard. And I’m sweating and I’m My legs are screaming at me and my heart is so full. I just, I can’t even describe how wonderful I felt. And I just started laughing because I thought the endorphins have kicked in. You know, this is what it feels like to really be in my body, let it hurt, let it be painful and really joyful at the same time. And my thought pattern shifted. And I realize what I’m looking for with this program, I kept saying to you, it’s not a professional decision, it’s a personal decision. And halfway up that hill when my legs didn’t want to go anymore, and my lungs were at capacity and I hadn’t sweat that much in two years, my soul felt full. And I actually started crying to- see I’m getting emotional, just thinking about it now. And I realized what has been missing from my life is hiking. And we probably don’t have time for me to go into my whole thought process going up the hill because there’s still so much more to this story. But I’m a visual person and I had these visions of the different paths that I could take in my life. And they kept morphing. The further up the hill I got, the more they shifted, and I got to the top of the hill and at the top of the hill you can look over the entire valley that I live in. And I just sat there and soaked it in and and just put myself in this arena of gratitude that I’m here, that the universe has me the universe loves me. And it doesn’t matter what decision I make, it won’t be wrong. So I start down the hill and I’m thankful that I that I made it to the top, that I feel a bit of clarity, that I feel joy in my soul that I recognize- this is all this decision, no matter which way it goes. It’s about feeding my soul. That’s what I got from the hike is that I realized the decision is about feeding my soul. So I start down the hill and I get halfway down, I’m feeling really good, I’m feeling really positive, feeling like I’ve got a direction and my knee starts hurting. And it’s hurting worse and worse. And the closer I get to the car, the more painful it is. And I get to some point and I start to get concerned that I’m not actually going to make it back to the car, my knee hurts so bad. And I do make it to the car, and I have a sigh of relief and I make it home. I can barely walk and I sit down, get the ice out of the freezer and I wrap my knee in the ice and I sit down and I just break down because I think that I’ve come to my decision on the hill that I need to hike to feed my soul, and if I can’t physically hike because of my knee, where am I? And I feel lost again. So the whole weekend was a complete roller coaster. So I sleep with the ice, my knee is hurting, I get up Sunday morning and my knee pops, just pops. And it’s a horrid sound that I’m thinking ‘that should really hurt.,’ and it doesn’t. The pain goes away. It just completely goes away. And I’m feeling like- can I swear?

Ariel Zachow

(laughing) Go for it.

Christine Zachow

I’m feeling like ‘what the fuck? How can I make this decision? Because every time I think I’ve come to a decision, something else comes along and shift for me that tells me what she made the wrong decision. Try again.’ So at this point I’m getting uncomfortable in my skin because I had a deadline to make a decision. I have to come to a decision because there’s an application deadline that I have to abide by. And if I can’t come to a decision in myself, then I’m screwed. So I, I remember this thing that I do when things get really hard, decisions get really hard or situations get to a point where I don’t I really don’t know which path to take. And I decide that I’m I’m going to do this thing. I took this class years ago, and it was simply called ‘focusing’. There is a book out there and I apologize, I don’t know the author, but there is a book out there that that that can walk you through how to focus. The name of the book is Focusing. So I took this years ago, and it has never failed me. I don’t do it as often as I probably should. I think maybe sometimes I get worried with the answer that I’ll get because it’s been so accurate. Sometimes it’s easier to live in denial, right? Or in the not knowing rather than the knowing. Because if you know, then you actually have to act on it. Right?

Ariel Zachow

Ignorance is bliss.

Christine Zachow

Exactly, exactly. So I was blissful. Right. So the best way to describe it, I guess would be meditating. But it’s a way of getting in tune with my body and allowing my body to give me the answer I’m seeking. So I went and I I got in a comfortable, quiet space and got very quiet. And I guess, you know, a lot of people could probably connect it with meditation, how you get quiet and focus on one thing. And so I’m in this space, and I just get quiet. And typically when I do this, I focus on my breath, and I focus on my breath going down into the core of my being, and nothing was happening. And I started to get anxious and and I just remind myself, ‘it’s okay. Everything is okay. Even not being okay is okay.’ And I sat with that until I could be comfortable with that. And I just started asking myself questions. ‘Is it okay to be uncomfortable?’ And I sat with that until it was okay to be uncomfortable. ‘Is it okay not to have a decision about entering the master’s program’, and I just sat with that until it was okay not to have a decision whether I would enter the master’s program. And then I asked myself, ‘what does it feel like in your body? What does it feel like in your body if you don’t enter the master’s program,’ and there was nothing I’d like to say there was a piece about it, but it wasn’t, I wouldn’t describe it as peaceful. It was, it was just nothing. It was whatever I was at that moment. Nothing shifted, nothing changed. Which made me a little uncomfortable. So I had to sit again with being uncomfortable that I didn’t feel anything. And then I asked myself, once I got comfortable with being uncomfortable, I asked myself the question, ‘what does it feel like in your body if you do sign up for the master’s program,’ and I didn’t even get that final word formed in my brain before my body tensed up. All of my muscles were just rigid, my stomach started hurting and contracting. I just started crying. And it was a thankful gratitude type of emotion. It was, ‘there’s my answer. My body doesn’t want me to do this program right now.’ And I attributed that- the feelings, the tension in the stomach and all of that- I attributed that to stress. And as soon as the word stress entered my consciousness, those two years that I just completed just came flooding back. And it was, I don’t know how to describe it- it was such a wonderful experience, because it was painful, and joyful and rewarding. And every possible emotion that your body can feel was present in that moment. And I knew that was my answer. ‘I am not going on to the master’s program. Right now.’ I’m not comfortable saying I won’t ever do it, but now is not the time. Believe it or not, there’s actually even a little more to this story. So I finished that session, I thank my body for talking to me, I thank myself for allowing myself to get comfortable with discomfort and got up and kind of did a check in, away from being so quiet. And there was still a little bit of discomfort in my decision. And I went about my day and did a couple things and about an hour hour and a half went by and I just couldn’t shake the feeling. So I sat down and got quiet again. And I just I I went inside, you know, within myself said, ‘what is it that is uncomfortable about this decision? Because I’m pretty sure that the answer- I’m like 99.9% sure that the answer is not to do the program. Why is there still discomfort attached with this?’ And my mind shifted back to a conversation I’d had with a friend of mine about about the program and trying to make this decision. And that friend had asked me how much of your decision, you know, if you sign up for it, how much of that decision is based on your want to have a higher education? Considering where you work, you know, considering the high level of education of the people around you how much it is based on that? And this conversation happened a couple days prior. And I said to him, very quickly, I didn’t have to think about it. I said to him, none, none of it is or if there’s any various very little, it’s a personal decision. It’s very personal to me. And when I quieted myself on Sunday, that’s what I flashed back to was that conversation and my body very lovingly told me, ‘it’s ego, Christine, that discomfort you’re feeling is ego, you’re disappointed, your ego is disappointed that you can’t go back to your work and say, I’m getting my masters or I have my masters.’ And as soon as I could identify it, it fell away. And I am now very comfortable in my position in my body in my decision. I am not going back for my masters in September.

“It’s about feeding my soul.”

Ariel Zachow

So if someone listening is facing a very specific decision like this, a very big, very specific decision, what are your recommendations for where they should start?

Christine Zachow

Breathing. Start with breathing. If they’re comfortable with meditation, if they’ve got any any sort of idea about meditation, and I certainly am not a meditation guru by any means, I have my own what I call meditation, I don’t know if anybody else would call it meditation, but mine is just going within trying to, to let my body talk to me. So I have a really strong belief that our bodies know what’s best for us, we just have to get to that answer and shut the brain off, or at least allow the body to speak louder than the brain. So if they can quiet themselves and focus on their breathing, I can kind of describe what it feels like to me- So what I do is I go where it’s quiet, where it’s dark, where I can get comfortable, sometimes I’ll lay down, sometimes I’ll sit up, just depends. I don’t want to fall asleep because I do get really relaxed during this, I tend to close my eyes were the class that I took on it years ago, they actually had you focus on a spot on the wall or on the carpet or something like that. But I tend to do better if I can close my eyes. And I just visualize my breath. And I breathe in, and as I breathe in there’s a ball of energy. So this ball of energy I breathe in, it’s sitting in the back of my throat. And as I breathe out, that allows the ball of energy to travel down, and I breathe in again and it stops. And when I’m ready, I breathe out and it travels down further. And I try to get it to my solar plexus. And once it’s there, there’s a shift in my body, I just, I feel all attention is there. I feel like my breath is focused, my feelings are all focused there. It’s a little difficult to describe. So it’s sitting there, and I just sit with it until I my body feels comfortable with it being there, that it doesn’t shift when I breathe. It’s comfortably nestled right there. And then I just start asking myself questions. When I took that class, the first question they had us ask was, ‘is there anything in your life that is keeping you from being 100% happy right now.’ And I try to shut my brain off. I don’t want my brain saying, ‘Oh, yeah, I’ve got work on Monday, I’ve got that big project going. My kids don’t live near me.

Ariel Zachow

Always with the guilt trip, after all this time!

Christine Zachow

(laughing) I know. I just thought I’d throw that in. But I try not to let that- I want my body speak to me. And usually it comes in as an image of just, there’ll be an image float, you know, across my consciousness, or however you want to describe it. And I then I will take that, and if it’s something that’s uncomfortable, then I asked myself, is it okay to be uncomfortable with this particular situation, and I just I, I pictured myself sitting on a swing, you know, like an outdoor swing like a bench swing. So there’s room next to me, and whatever that thing is that’s making me uncomfortable, I let it sit on the swing next to me. And I just sit there and swing until the discomfort is gone. And then I can move further. And typically when I get to something that’s significant- the class that I took called it a self shift, and the best way I can describe it is my body just it shifts. I experienced a big sigh of relief, if you will, then I know I’m getting somewhere. So I would I would recommend that if people are looking at making a decision, you know, a big life changing decision, they just go sit on that bench with their options sitting next to them and see which of those options speaks, you know, is louder, and just engage with it.

Ariel Zachow

But also after the decision has been made, maybe allow room for that those feelings to change. And for that to shift. It doesn’t have to be once the decision is made its permanent, or set in stone, there should be flexibility to it.

Christine Zachow

Absolutely. Absolutely. And that was why I tried to go back into it when I was noticing I was still having discomfort. I was thinking ‘Gosh, I’m sure my body told me no, but why do I still feel uncomfortable? Maybe I should go revisit that?’ And wouldn’t you know, it wasn’t that the decision needed to be shifted, it was just that that that other aspect wanted to be acknowledged.

Ariel Zachow

Any last tidbits you want to add?

Christine Zachow

Oh, I knew you were going to ask me that.

Ariel Zachow

(laughing) You don’t have to have any!

Christine Zachow

No, I do! It’s it’s reiterating what I’ve already said, you know, trust yourself. I did a lot of asking, I ran it by a lot of people I talked to you about it, I talked to a good friend of mine about it. I purposely did not talk to the woman that got me signed up for the the BA program because I didn’t want the ball to get rolling and not not be in charge of it. But there are lots of things you can do. Maybe, you know, this is how it works for me, maybe for other people it works better if they have a sounding board and they go and talk. I kind of like to use all of those things. I like to have a sounding board and do my homework that way. And I like to go to those informational sessions and find out about as much of it as much as I can. I had a pros and cons list on this one, which I don’t always do. This one seemed like such a big one that I should. But the problem with it was the pros and the cons were balanced with me there was no shift. There was no heavier weight on either side. They were very well balanced. Trust that you have the answer. And when it comes to you, it’s the right one. And if it doesn’t feel right, revisit it. You are the captain of your own ship. And you do have you do have your answers.

Ariel Zachow

Well, thank you for sharing your story. I know that this is a very, very big, important thing in your life. And often people are facing big decisions, but maybe they have no idea what to do or how to go about making those decisions, and often they feel alone. So I’m hopeful that your story is given a little inspiration to those who need it. So thank you.

Christine Zachow

Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to share in this forum.

Ariel Zachow

So thank you again for sharing your story. Thank you for those that are listening. If you have any questions, comments or concerns, you can find me on instagram @compassion.as.my.compass or send an email to ariel@compassionasmycompass.com and we will see you next week for our next show!

June 20, 2019 0 comment

Interviews

From Self Hate to Self Love

by ArielZachow June 13, 2019

Ariel Zachow

Hello, and welcome to Compassion As My Compass, a weekly podcast all about living yoga off the mat. I’m your host Ariel Zachow. Each week we cover a new topic and discuss what small, easily implemented things you can do to follow a yogi lifestyle after your physical practice has ended. I am excited this week to bring to you another guests. So let’s jump right in. Thank you, Jessie for joining me today. Why don’t we start by telling the readers a little bit about yourself?

Jessie Valentine

My name is Jessie Valentine. And I am a registered dietitian. And I’ve been a vegan for quite some time. Right now I work in both a clinical setting and I do counseling. And a little bit more about myself- I’m also a yoga teacher.

Ariel Zachow

Where did your journey with yoga begin?

Jessie Valentine

I started doing yoga when I was in high school, I was recovering from an eating disorder. And I wasn’t allowed to do any physical activity except for light stretching. And I had heard about yoga and at first it really didn’t appeal to me at all, because I was so obsessed with like burning calories, cardio, and I thought it was so boring. So I started doing yoga and I didn’t really fall in love with it at first. And I had done it once in a while for like a few years. And then I returned to it again in my 20s after- this is so like cliche- but like, after like a bad breakup, I started doing it for it and learning more about like the mindfulness of it, and meditation. And it really helped me and instead of just focusing on like stretching and poses I really went deep inside practice where I focus more on the meditative aspects of it and the yoga philosophy.

Ariel Zachow

When did it go from just a physical practice to more of it and more of encompassing all of the spiritual aspects of it?

Jessie Valentine

Probably when I was like, around 24, 25, I started reading a few books, and learning, like, you know, the route of yoga and the disciplines of yoga. And then I decided, like, I really love yoga, and I want to spread what it’s taught me. So I started a yoga teacher training. And I did it at Emerge yoga in Massapequa. And it was there that I learned a lot about yoga. Specifically, the one thing that really stood out to me, it’s called Ahimsa. And it just translate loosely into ‘do no harm’, which is something that I’m really passionate about, not only towards, like do no harm to others, but also like do no harm to yourself.

Ariel Zachow

So tell me a little more about how that translates to do no harm to the self. Because I think most people, when we talk about Ahimsa, a lot of people relate that just to veganism. But I think it’s more than that. I think a big part of it is being kind to yourself, and a lot of people miss that. So how does that play into your eating disorder recovery?

Jessie Valentine

That’s a great question. So towards myself, like I mentioned that I struggled with an eating disorder and always struggled with, I guess, like self acceptance and self love. And I think that a lot of people who struggle with eating disorders or anxiety or depression, it really feels like every day, you’re at war with yourself. And it’s a lot of internalized anger, shame, and it’s just a lot that people with these conditions just tend to live with. And it really feels like a prison. And it really is painful to deal with. And when you hate yourself, and you want to harm yourself, doing something physical means, like an eating disorder, or even self harm, like physically harming yourself is one way just to, like, express the pain that you’re feeling. And I dealt with that for many years.

And then when I started recovery, I wasn’t really fully recovered, but it was many, many years. But when I learned about ahimsa, something like a yoga perspective, it really, I really, like, started to integrate things that I had learned in recovery and things that were more spiritual. And ahimsa towards oneself means like, it’s not, it’s not easy to say like, ‘Oh, I love myself, oh, I’m not going to harm’. Because if you live with depression, or anxiety, or any of the conditions I mentioned, like it’s not that easy to say. But just like we all have a choice to be kind to each other and not intentionally hurt each other, we can choose to not intentionally hurt ourselves by choosing things that honor our, our higher selves and not bring us down.

Yeah, so like I tried to just show self love, and not like self harm through my actions towards myself and matches through others. I think that people with any kind of mental disorder, like, you know, an eating disorder is a mental illness. I think that- and research actually supports this- people with eating disorders tend to be very sensitive, and very empathetic. And I think when you when you have these things, you’re more likely to be very, very sensitive to other people’s opinions. And that’s hard. And you would never want someone to feel that way. Like you would never want to make someone else feel the pain that you felt. And I think that’s also a principle of Ahimsa is being aware that like our actions all influence each other.

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

Ariel Zachow

So what are some things that you do to start to make the shift from self hate to self love? And are those the same things that you do now on a daily basis to make sure you stay in this better place?

Jessie Valentine

Some of the things you can do is really being honest with yourself. And checking in with yourself to see if your actions and your decisions are really in line with what you truly want. Like what feels intuitively right? For if it’s like, something that everyone else is doing, or it’s basically just like checking in with your conscience and being able to sit with like, what feels right, what feels wrong. And that’s really tough, if, you know, socially in our society, when everyone or it seems like there’s so many messages about what to eat, or how to look really what we should weigh or like what we should wear, and it’s a lot of pressure. But if you were to give in to all of those things, you completely give up your power. And that’s not self love that is just giving yourself away. So self love to me, just means sitting with yourself and figuring out what is right for you.

Ariel Zachow

What are some of the most difficult parts of this for you?

Jessie Valentine

I got, you know, like I? I guess-

Ariel Zachow

It’s a it’s a very loaded question!

Jessie Valentine

It’s hard to practice Ahimsa if you don’t- if you aren’t strong into who you are. And when you are very empathetic, it’s very difficult to figure out who are you because you feel everyone else’s pain. And like when you feel all these things, it’s very easy to have weak boundaries. So I would say that that is probably the hardest thing to do. And like when you do have weak boundaries, or when you struggle with boundaries, it’s very easy for people to have influence over you. So these messages about weight and eating and how we should live and how we should look are even more even more susceptible to that. So I would say that having really focusing on boundaries is important.

Ariel Zachow

How do you set those boundaries? Are there people specifically in your life that you interact with that make this a little bit harder for you, who maybe don’t share the same view as you do?

Jessie Valentine

Well, in terms of veganism, everyone in my life is really supportive. My fiance, actually, is not a vegan and it’s very interesting because he’s very supportive of my veganism. And he won’t like cook me in the house, or he really doesn’t even eat meat in the house. But in terms of like other people in my life, I’ve never had someone like, when it comes to what I eat be critical, My veganism is really important to me. But in terms of other things and like things beyond veganism, some people that I’ve encountered, that I’ve realized, like, woah, I really have weak boundaries around you, and it was a learning experience to be like ‘no’. And just to to come back to self is like when someone is triggering you in that way or someone makes you feel a certain way or, you know, like, the answer is not to, like, try to make everything okay, because sometimes that’s not going to happen, the answer is not try to sacrifice yourself. It’s really just to accept that you have to come back to self and just be strong in who you are, which is way easier said.

Ariel Zachow

What do you recommend somebody, maybe they’re very insecure, they don’t have a lot of self confidence or trust in themselves, what’s a good place for them to start, because I think that everybody knows that we should be confident, we should trust in ourselves, and stand up for ourselves and set boundaries. But when you’re in a very vulnerable place, what’s a good place to start?

Jessie Valentine

I think a good place to start is honestly, I would say if you don’t if you’re not into yoga, and you’re not into, like a physical practice or spirituality, I would say like, self help and therapy is really helpful. My life was immensely changed for the better through meeting my therapist, not that they gave me this, like insane amount of self confidence. Or they, you know, it wasn’t like the therapist did anything- I mean, she did, but it wasn’t like the therapist worked some kind of magical spell on me, it was really that I committed to going every week and examining, ‘Well, why do I feel this way?’ Or like, ‘Am I constantly telling myself some x, y, z?’ And I think self reflection is really important, because people who are very insecure, they tend to do a lot of self reflection. But it’s under a very critical guize. And it’s under like this very, very critical lense, where if you’re working with someone else, like a therapist, or if you’re doing self help books, you have another perspective, and you have someone saying to you or helping you see that, like, you don’t have to be so critical on yourself or like you can, you can step out of yourself. And you know, if something bad happens, it doesn’t mean that something bad happen is going to happen every time you try.

Ariel Zachow

Do you have favorite self help books that you recommend?

Jessie Valentine

Sure I’m actually right by my bookshelf. Okay, Radical Acceptance, it’s really good. That one is by Tara Brock, and it has like a Buddhist philosophy background in it, but it’s really great. Another one is, this is another kind of, it’s definitely like a Buddhist perspective. It’s called The Places That Scare You. And it’s really amazing. A lot of these books have to do with dealing with shadow and like, you know, like everyone has things that they’ve done that they aren’t proud of. And I think that brings us back to you can’t keep replaying what you’ve done. And that’s something that I’ve struggled with.

Ariel Zachow

So you said you teach yoga classes, correct?

Jessie Valentine

Yes.

“And when you are very empathetic, it’s very difficult to figure out who are you because you feel everyone else’s pain.”

Ariel Zachow

Are these ideas that you incorporate into your classes?

Jessie Valentine

Yes. Um, right now, I really haven’t been focusing too much on yoga classes at the moment, because I’m doing a lot of like, nutrition counseling. But if I’m working with a client who wants one on one yoga, I definitely integrate everything I’ve talked about in the class, especially like Ahmisa, and self kindness, and also just like, not ruminating on guilt and shame. Like I said before that’s something I really like dealt a lot with. And it just, you know, that guilt and the shame and what we tell ourselves, it stands in the way of us progressing, even though it seems really helpful to go over the past and just to make ourselves feel guilty. It’s really not helpful, like it really doesn’t lead to anything positive.

Ariel Zachow

Do you have words of encouragement or a starting point for somebody who is totally at zero totally ground level, that they are maybe thinking about wanting to make a change? What are your words of encouragement for somebody who’s just starting?

Jessie Valentine

The first words of encouragement would probably be, I guess, you are not your pain, you know, like you are not your past, you are not your pain. And that doesn’t define you. Because I think a lot of people who want to improve might be like, stuck by, by feeling trapped by their story that they’ve told themselves.

Ariel Zachow

So I imagine that getting to where you are now from your starting point was a difficult journey. Would you consider all of the difficulties worth it?

Jessie Valentine

Yes. Yes, definitely. I still think to myself, actually, now, this is more in the past, in the past, especially when I was like in therapy. I don’t know, I’m not like in therapy at the moment. But I was in therapy for quite a long time. I would come out of my therapist office or finish up a self help book. And I’d be like, ‘yes, I feel like I know the answer. Like now I’m good. I’m good for a while, like, I’m good for life.’ And then like something would happen where, it’s just showed me like, no, we’re not. I feel like the universe has a way of stopping you and you feel positive and it’s like, ‘haha! I’m gonna throw this your way.’ And only in retrospect do I see, ‘No, I didn’t make a lot of progress.’ And each thing I’ve faced, like, did show me a lot. And it was worth it.

Ariel Zachow

So when you get a situation like that now, where you get like a speed bump, essentially, are you able to look at it and say, ‘Okay, I know that this is going to be difficult, but I know that I can get to the other side of it,’ or do you find you have a lot of stopping points or a lot of walls that you hit?

Jessie Valentine

Usually I feel confident because I do have all these experiences. There’s only like one experience that is just very triggering for me. And it’s a bizarre experience. Everyone has that one thing that’s just triggering for them. And I think the purpose of those experiences is just to remind you, like there’s something else you need to work on.

Ariel Zachow

So would you consider this a forever journey? Or do you think that there’s ever a point that you can get to where everything’s just going to be okay, and everything’s going to be solid?

Jessie Valentine

(laughing) Maybe on my death bed! I think that life is a forever journey and the journey towards inner peace is not something you’re just going to pick up. You’re not just going to wake up one day and be like, ‘my body is perfect. I love every cell of my being.’ But you can wake up one day and be like, ‘my body is not perfect, but I accept it, you know.’ That is progress. And without even changing your body- or you could wake up one day and say, ‘you know, my my life isn’t perfect, but I love my imperfect life.’ So I think that I’ll never come to a place where like, everything is perfect. And I’ve achieved enlightenment and like, everything is just so amazing. And I don’t think that anyone should feel that way. I think that you know, the purpose of life is to learn and and help others.

Ariel Zachow

Are there any last little tidbits you want to add before we wrap up?

Jessie Valentine

Um, no, really, I just hope everyone that is listening feels inspired to just love themselves wherever you are in your journey, even if you feel a lot of self hatred right now, know that it is possible to get to a place where you accept yourself.

Ariel Zachow

If people want to connect with you or follow you on social media where should they go?

Jessie Valentine

You can find me on Instagram @vitaminvalentine and my my website is also www.vitaminvalentine.com. And Facebook, my name is Jesse Valentine.

Ariel Zachow

Awesome. Well thank you, Jessie, for joining me. I hope that this was another helpful episode for everyone listening. This is something that- it’s a thing that a lot of people struggle with and it can be really difficult to know where to begin and where to go and what your end goal should be. So please, as always, don’t hesitate to reach out to Jessie or to myself. You can find me on instagram@compassion.as.my.compass or send an email to ariel@compassionasmycompass.com. If you, or someone you know, would like to guest our this show, or you have any topics that you would like covered, please reach out to me via email or through Instagram. Thank you so much for listening. I appreciate all of the time that you give the show. I could not do it without you, so thank you. And I’ll see you guys again next Thursday for our next show!

June 13, 2019 0 comment

Interviews Yoga

What Can Yoga Offer Me?

by ArielZachow June 12, 2019

Ariel Zachow

Hello, and welcome to Compassion As My Compass, a weekly podcast all about living yoga off the mat. I’m your host Ariel Zachow. Each week we cover a new topic and discuss what small, easily implemented things you can do to follow a yogi lifestyle after your physical practice has ended. I am very excited to welcome our guest for this week. Her name is Erica. She is a long time yoga teacher Yoga has always been a part of her life. And she’s going to share with us today a little bit of her story. Thank you, Erica so much for being here. I’m really excited to sort of cover the topic of who Yoga is good for and the benefits that it can offer everyone.

Erica Settino

Oh, great. Thank you for having me.

Ariel Zachow

I want to jump right in so why don’t you tell our listeners a little bit about yourself, what you do, and your history with yoga.

Erica Settino

So I have been teaching yoga for 18 years, I was fortunate enough to be raised in a household where practicing yoga was the norm. My mother was a yoga practitioner. And I would come home most days from school and find her in a headstand finishing up her practice as we were getting home. It was a very normal thing for me to watch her take that time and find the time in her day, whether it was before work or after work, or as I said, when we were younger when we were coming home from school. And as I started to get a little bit older, I had great interest in what she was doing and why. So I was fortunate enough to start to learn from her.

And I can remember sitting on the floor learning from books, just pictures and books. And my very first teacher would have been Lily Exholen. She was around on PBS I think and she did a gentle yoga. And then Rodney Yee. And this is all from books and DVDs and or actually at the time they were taped. And so as I got a a little bit older and definitely found myself more drawn to the whole system of yoga, I found my own teacher when I was 15 years old. And I started practicing. And by the time I was 20, I was certified with my first certification and I was teaching at her studio. They say that if you’re born into a yoga family, it’s very auspicious. And they also say that if you have found yoga in this life, more than likely, you have found it in others. And I absolutely believe that, you know, it shows up as you’re ready, and you’re drawn to it. And there’s a reason for it.

I’m very, very grateful for it in my life. It’s a very big part of my life. It’s a big part of who I am and what I do. I founded a yoga based nonprofit organization called Karuna For Animals. And Karuna is a Sanskrit word. that means compassion. And it’s a lot of education based on yoga principles. And I’m bringing that a little bit more mainstream and out of the yoga studio and really starting to help people understand that we could use these principles as the blueprint for our lives. And in doing so, we really can begin to extend compassion and basic goodness and loving kindness and all of these things that we come to know through the practice of yoga, to all living being.

Ariel Zachow

So has yoga always been for you more than just the physical aspect, because I think that that’s something that gets lost a lot. And I I always blame it on just Americans in general, I don’t know what happens in other countries. But I find that here, most people think that Yoga is the 60 or 90 minute class that they go to a couple of times a week, and they have no idea that there’s so many other parts to it. So I’m interested to know, was that something that your mom taught you growing up? Have you always known that it’s, you know, the Asana is just a really small portion of it? Or was that something that you learned along the way?

Erica Settino

I think that it was experiential, we didn’t really talked about that component. My mother is not a teacher of yoga, she was a gymnast. And she got very hurt as a gymnast. And, and she found yoga after that. And she was able to utilize yoga as a healing modality. And then she came to see that she liked how it made her feel as well. And, and the meditative aspect of things. And that’s kind of what I think that I was picking up on as a child was that it was it was shifting the way my mother felt. And when I was in the room with her, it shifted how I felt. And it was pretty clear that that was happening. So I think that as I got older, and you know that the thing of it is, is that here, yes, in America, if you go to take a yoga class, you’re doing the physical Asana work. So it is a more difficult thing for people to understand that there’s more work. And I think it takes a really skilled teacher to bring that into each class, it can be almost a little sneaky, where you work in the systematic process of yoga and everything else that we have available to us.

So that we can really begin to utilize the whole of the process. And also, the way it’s been marketed here has really been to the detriment of the systematic process of yoga, and what we’re actually trying to do with yoga. And, and actually to take it a step further, are we trying to do anything at all? So because there’s no real endgame with yoga, you know, then there’s no real external goal. So it’s taken a long time for people to move away from this idea. I can remember I was very young when I started teaching. And I can remember people coming to me and saying, literally, ‘I want my arms to look like Madonna’s arms.’ I mean, that was the time when Madonna was, you know, big in her physique. And she was practicing Bikram yoga four hours a day. And, and that’s what people were coming to class for.

And I, even at 20 years old, I was of the mindset ‘well, your arms will change, but you know, I’m more interested in what else is going to shift for us.’ But you know, if they come for the arms, and they stay for the rest, then it’s a bit of a win for everybody. But it is more challenging, it’s more challenging to find people who are willing to do the deeper work that yoga really gives us the opportunity to be doing

Ariel Zachow

When you teach, how do you find the balance of ‘Okay, well, I have somebody who’s come in, and what they are really wanting is a workout. And yes, I can sort of offer them that,’ But how do you find the balance of keeping that but showing your students that there’s more to it, and it’s very rewarding, and it doesn’t have to be this crazy, hyper focused, ‘I have to get to enlightenment’, how are you allowing your students to sort of explore that idea and find the balance with them?

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

Erica Settino

I think that we can do it in a lot of different ways. And there is a, there is a readiness there, there needs to be a willingness, and there’s a readiness that you can, as you teach more and more. And as you’re spending time with people, I think a really well informed teacher and a really mindful teacher will begin to see the readiness, there’s shifting that’s occurring at all times. So to be in, you know, I, my teachers, Cindy Lee is always talking about, you know, we don’t need to roll out all of the information in one setting in one in one practice, we can, we will overwhelm them, they will not come back, they will more than likely hear something they don’t want to hear. And you know, and that’s not what we’re trying to do.

So little bits of information over the course of time can be very helpful repetition is very helpful. And working in the more subtle aspects of the practice. And like I said, it’s almost a little sneaky. It’s almost a little sneaky. And then they find that they enjoy joy it and they’re feeling better, something is shifting. And you know, and they don’t necessarily need to tell you that if they keep coming back, you know that there’s something that is resonating with them. And it’s not really up to us to decide what that has to be in any given moment. You know, because we can’t really- our expectations of our students, we have to check that as well as teachers. So we’re really just there to offer the information in the most non judgmental, harmless way that we can as well.

And it is our job, in a sense, to push a bit, push boundaries, push out of our comfort zone, we certainly do that with Asana. And you know, a lot of the times if that’s what I’m doing with us, and that’s when I will bring in a little bit more of the other information, try to make some connections where connections haven’t been made. Part of the reason why we are moving out of our comfort zone and often so that we can trust that we can do it elsewhere. So helping them to make that connection can be really, really powerful.

Ariel Zachow

So having practiced, I don’t know, I call it the yoga philosophy, just basically the ideas that Yoga is built on, having that in your life for such a significant amount of time, what aspects of your life have changed because of it?

Erica Settino

Oh, probably, well, I mean, it’s ever changing. The thing is, is like because wherever changing, but I guess that I’m lucky, really very fortunate in that regard is that I have this touchstone. Because things are ever changing, I’m able to come back to the philosophy and the teachings and the lessons that I have learned over and over and over again. So as I continue to evolve, the teachings continue to support me. So that’s I think one of the wonderful things about yoga is that you can go really, really in depth and it can get very heady, or, you know, we can keep it very simple, and very basic, so to speak.

And the most basic is that it’s, it’s appropriate for every step along the way of each of our individual paths. And that’s like the magic and the mystery of it as well, you know, so it’s really amazing yoga meets us where we are all the time, over and over and over again. So as I find myself in different situations, or scenarios, or perhaps more challenging times of my life, whatever the case may be, I’m able to come back to the teachings and recognize where I can utilize them more, you know. Where have I gotten away from something a little bit and perhaps, that’s causing some of this suffering that I’m that I’m I’m going through at the moment, maybe I’m struggling too much, and I’ve forgotten something.

And then it meets you again, it shows again. So it really does, it’s not something that we learn it and we’re like, ‘oh, yep, got that,’ you take interest, you learn it, and then you’re done with that it’s a cold, completely different way of learning and assimilating and then living it. And that’s why I say Yoga is not really something we do. It’s, it’s really how we, and how we choose to show up, and where we’re kind of living from. And that’s, you know, that’s a process and a practice, all in of itself. So sometimes we drop one area, and we have to go back and pick it up and look at that. And we’re always going to be granted the opportunity to do that, that’s, I think, you know, kind of what life is for offering these opportunities, where we can kind of pick that up again, and see where we might, where we might do something, I’m not going to say better, but perhaps differently, if something’s not working, perhaps we can, you know, learn something else along the way,

Ariel Zachow

Who, in your opinion, is yoga for? Is there anybody that you would say should not do yoga for any reason?

Erica Settino

I think that Yoga is for everybody and every physical body. We see it more and more now with this world of influencers, and people who are willing to step up and step out and say, ‘I don’t need to look a certain way to practice yoga,’ which is fabulous, we need that, you know, for so long it was in a bikini on a beach. So I’m glad we’re moving away from this. And we’re starting to recognize that it really is for everybody. You know, like a lot of people, it’s, you know, yoga can be a birthright, that as long as we’re here, we are entitled to these teachings we are entitled to, we are entitled to be given this knowledge and then to do the best we can to utilize it so that it is a benefit to all. So as we practice yoga, in our own lives, we are shifting things within our head visual patterns, we’re shifting things within the way we think the way we perceive.

And as we begin to do that more and more the way we relate to everyone and everything shifts. So then each and every relationship we end up having will shift and in that way, we’re making these small, they might be really small, incremental shifts, but no less powerful than the really big one. So I always say, I feel like everybody needs to do yoga, we need everybody to do yoga, the world needs everybody doing yoga, of some sort. But again, we get caught up in the world, what does that mean? Do yoga? So it doesn’t mean you have to be on your mat for three hours a day, turning your body into a castle, you know, I mean, maybe if we could just all begin to recognize that we each have this basic goodness within ourselves, and that all other living beings have it as well. And we can begin to relate from that place. Things that look a lot different. There are people who have, you know, health issues, injuries, whatever the case may be.

Again, if we’re not solely focused on Asana, then we should be able to serve whoever walks into the room. I had a woman actually I spoke to just the other day you called me and she has lupus and she’s in a lupus flare up, and she’s having all kinds of problems, and she’s so stressed, and she’s so anxious, and she’s suffering so greatly. And she just thought ‘maybe yoga would help me,’ and I, I hope she comes to the class I have, I’m encouraging her to come to a certain class, I’m encouraging her to do the work and to recognize that doesn’t matter what you do on the mat. So that’s what’s keeping her away, ‘but I can’t do these fancy things.’ And I, you know, so somebody like that would benefit greatly from the system of yoga.

And sometimes that, you know, taking Shavasana for an hour, or lying in childs pose for 20 minutes, sometimes that’s, that’s all the yoga we need to have a shift as you create a little bit more space around, whatever might be going on. And see if we might be able to approach things perhaps differently, or just you know, take a little break, you know, maybe we don’t need to do things differently. Maybe there’s no different me right now. But maybe we just need a break. So it really it shows up as what we need, but not always what we thought we want it. So we really, we also have to really be quite open and receptive to, to what is presented at that time. And and begin to work with it as it is.

Ariel Zachow

What is your advice to someone who is very interested in finding a class that has more of these more of the ideas of yoga, in addition to the asana practice, say they’ve gone to a yoga class before, and it was very physical is very competitive, competitive physically? How should they go about finding the right teacher for them and somebody that they feel comfortable with? And if they’re dealing with an injury, or an illness? How can they go into a studio trusting that they’re going to be taken care of, because while, in my opinion, it can be kind of easy to get your teachings certification to complete your 200 hour. So it doesn’t always weed out bad teachers- How can someone go to a studio knowing that they’re not going to get hurt, and they’re not going to be forced to, you know, do a headstand if they’re not ready or something like that?

“So it’s a very fine balance of finding people that you respect, and that you feel can guide you in the way you need to be led, but also that leave room for you to be you on the path.”

Erica Settino

Yeah. So I guess the the underlying, like, we can’t control what anybody else is going to do. So a lot of it’s a process of elimination, oftentimes, for a lot of people, it’s trying a number of different classes. And, and seeing if you find a good fit, or good match, and you feel comfortable. But also, you know, we’re not going to be able to control the teacher, we’re not going to always like what a teacher says, We’re not going to always like what a teacher does, we’re not going to like with the person next to us is doing all the time, you know, so a lot of the time, you know, practice the same yoga in a public space, it’s an individual practice in a group setting. So that can be very challenging.

So if it’s powerful to be in that group setting, and there are the collective benefits to being in that group setting. But at the end of the day, as an individual walking into a studio, I think what is most important is that we remember that we are responsible for ourselves and ourselves only. So if somebody is doing something you are uncomfortable with, you don’t have to do it. If somebody is touching you in a way you’re uncomfortable with you don’t you don’t have to accept that. And hopefully, that’s not happening, but it does, you know, it happens. So, I guess it’s, it might sound like a, I don’t have an easy answer, you know, there’s word of mouth, we talk to people, there are reviews, but you know, it’s, it’s so experiential that it can be very challenging. You know, there are people who practice with, you know, one teacher who I, you know, who well maybe I would say, ‘Nope, not for me, that’s not my, not what I want to do for 90 minutes.’ and they love it.

And somehow or another, it’s feeding what they need at that time. So that’s what can I say, but that’s what they’re doing right then. So it really is a matter of us and our own personal journey, so to speak, I guess to finding the place where we feel comfortable being brave enough and courageous enough to walk into a space and be open to receive what’s being put out there, but also being willing to recognize our own innate intelligence and, and being willing to say, ‘this is not good for me.’ So you know, right off the bat, if you don’t like being hot, don’t go to a hot yoga class. It’s terrible, as far as I’m concerned, but, you know, right off the bat, you can try to read some things that was that, hopefully, you know, there’ll be some description of class, you know, words like ‘restore’ will give somebody who who’s looking for a more passive experience an idea that that might be a good place to begin, gentle beginner, if people want to look for that, you know, most yoga classes, I would say all the classes are mixed level classes, even if they qualify them as beginner or advanced every class, you walk into the mixed level class, because no two people are doing the same thing ever, ever.

So even two people who can do the exact same shape, or flow rigorously for 90 minutes, seemingly without breaking a sweat, or not doing the exact same thing, we’re just not. And that’s one of the, I think that’s one of the things to be celebrated about our individuality and our uniqueness. But again, every time we take it into a room with a group of people, we lose sight of the fact that that’s actually a good thing. And we feel like we have to conform. And if we’re not, then I must be doing something wrong. Or in the words of my teacher, ‘I must be a yoga loser,’ you know, but there are no yoga losers. There’s no such thing as a yoga loser. So, so a lot of that is being courageous enough to trust your own intelligence, trust your instincts, trust your intelligence, recognize when something is not a benefit to you. And that can be challenging, again, sometimes, you know, a teacher’s role can be to, to get you a little bit out of your comfort zone. But, you know, again, you could go in, I have people in class, and I have people, you know, I’m I teacher, a fairly challenging class, I think my students would laugh at the word ‘fairly’. So there are armed balances options, there are inversion options, I do not do a rigorous- I don’t do 108 chaturangas this, but because everybody’s getting hurt. Why are we doing that?

But, it is my job to try to, in as much as possible, provide something for all of them, people who are in that room. So there are people who are they’re using props, there are people who are- they’re taking much, much different variations. So as, as a teacher, that’s really you know, the forefront in my mind is how am I going to best take care of or care for be aware of the needs of everybody in the room. And that is the responsibility of the teacher. At the end of the day, though, we do have to work with the individuals who are saying, ‘I’m not going to do that I’m not willing to do that.’ I ask everybody who comes to class, new people, I go to studios all the time, I don’t hear anybody asking students, especially new students, if there’s anything new going on with them, I ask every time I teach, and certainly, every time I meet someone new. So we need to, you know, awareness and mindfulness around what it is we’re doing as teachers really needs to, I think the bar needs to be risen a little bit. But also, as individuals looking to walk down this path, and for to take this journey, we also need to recognize that, you know, we’re worthy of taking care of ourselves, just because you walk into a room and there’s a teacher doesn’t mean that they know you better than you know, yourself. And a humble teacher knows that.

Ariel Zachow

So you would encourage the students to explore as often as they need to define somebody that they vibe with and connect with and feel safe with?

Erica Settino

Yeah, and it’s going to change, it’s going to shift and change, because where are we shifting and changing. And so our teachers, you know, at least here, this idea of really glorifying the teacher has to be put down, you know, that’s not really part of our culture. And it was something that was kind of taken on and, and it got it, it’s become an issue. So glorifying teachers is not as in anyone’s benefit. I love my teachers, I am grateful for my teachers.

And I will continue to learn and grow from them. And but I also, at some point, need to trust who I am, and what I’m doing. And that may be just because this is the way my teacher is going at this point. I don’t necessarily need to go that way. That’s not really actually what’s a benefit for me right now. So it’s a very fine balance of finding people that you can, that you respect, and that you feel can guide you in the way you need to be led, but also that leave room for you to be you on the path. And But yeah, I so I think it’s it is a matter of checking out a lot of different people, you know, and but then there are people who get so attached to their teacher that if there’s a sub, they’re really mad, and want to walk out of the room. Have you ever been that sub i mean, I’ve been that sub, and it’s terrible.

It’s terrible for everybody involved. But you know, there’s there and that’s part of what we’re like working on, is this healthy level of detachment, not pulling anything too close to not pushing anything too far away, and being open and receptive. So it’s an interesting, it’s, I always say, it’s just so interesting. It’s such an interesting process. And it really is a process of observation. And, you know, yoga is a process of getting to know the self. That’s really what we’re after. So it’s not a process of being best friends with this teacher who you like, and you want to be with, it’s a process of getting to know yourself. So yeah, so the first thing, although it’s, you know, it takes time, but, but I do recommend trying out a lot of different places, a lot of different studios, a lot of different teachers and going with your gut, and also, you know, letting go of some of your own judgment and criticism, if those people are those places are not for you, you know, you don’t have to leave the nasty review on Yelp. It could just be that wasn’t for me, and find what is.

Ariel Zachow

So if somebody is really interested in these things that you’re talking about, but they’re still a little bit on the fence, what would you say to them in terms of what what they can expect from taking on a regular yoga practice?

Erica Settino

I think that we need to leave room for the fact that it can be a bit scary. I think that we need to leave room for the fact that it really is- you know, my teacher, again, Cindy Lee is always talking about just showing up is a really big deal to show up to a yoga studio, people don’t give enough credence, it’s a very big deal for a lot of people to show up to a new place where they don’t know anybody wear tight clothing, be in an uncomfortable situation, make your body do things it’s not used to doing. So I, I think it’s a matter of giving ourselves a little bit more credit, and being more kind and compassionate with ourselves as well. It really does start there, you know, we’re not going to be able to do that for everybody else, not fully, not completely, and not really truly until we’re able to really treat ourselves the way we would treat someone we love. Tenderly and kindly and, and supported through a challenging situation.

And I think also to have some humor, you know, yoga is can be serious business, but we don’t have to be so serious. While we’re doing it, a little humor, lighten up about it, not becoming so rigid. I always talk about Goldilocks Goldilocks principle and yoga, not too hot, not too cold. Not too soft not too hard, you just trying to find like that, that middle path, that space between, and it’s a practice, and it’s a process, but just showing up is the first step in it. If we don’t show up, we’re never gonna, you know, we’re never going to start to, to take the steps that might be necessary for us to take or that might just be a wild benefit for us to be taking. And maybe people don’t walk away from the class feeling like it’s life changing. It doesn’t have to feel that way. It can be very subtle, it can be very small. But we know that whatever shifts occur, because regardless of what you’re doing, you’re shifting the central nervous system. That’s the benefit.

Ariel Zachow

And if somebody is completely and totally at zero, they’ve never they barely have ever even heard of yoga before- where do they start? How do they get started on this journey?

Erica Settino

I mean, everywhere you look, there’s a yoga studio today. I mean, there’s almost too many, right? So go in and talk to the owner of the studio, see how you feel about that, see how you connect with just the owner of the studio. Because ultimately, the the vibe you get from the owner of the studio is really what’s going to be passed down, that’s what’s kind of going to be the expectation of the teachers as well, there’s a certain mentality, there’s a certain vibe, there’s a certain structure, there’s almost like an any business, there’s like a certain mission statement, so to speak.

So go in and see the space, and talk to people. And and just see how you feel, just see how you feel when you walk through the door, there are certain studios, I walk through the door, and I feel like home. And then there are studios that I’ve gone into, and I haven’t had that feeling. And you know, and the class was fine, and the teacher was fine, but it didn’t feel like a space I needed to go back to. And that’s okay, too. So I would say you know, it is a matter of kind of putting yourself out there. And you know, most people have tried yoga today. So somebody you talked to can tell you about something you will fail. But you know, starting from zero, if you can find a class on a schedule that says beginner or gentle I recommend it.

And I just recommend, like I said to somebody the other day again, I said it’s kind of like learning a new language, you know, in a way, and it is quite literally you’re learning a new language. But also, you have to give yourself time you know it it’s a whole process of unraveling and unfolding. And, and that’s really part of the beauty of it is that again, that there’s no end game. There’s no expectation of having to accomplish anything. I read a quote and I don’t remember who said it, but just recently and said something along the lines of the practice is not an accomplishment. The practice is the gift. It’s a gift. So you know, we’re not out to accomplish anything in the practice, not the poses. Nothing. It’s just the showing up and beginning to get to know yourself a little bit better.

Ariel Zachow

Anything else you want to add at the end here? Anything we haven’t covered?

Erica Settino

I don’t think so. I mean, I said I think yoga, I think everyone should be doing yoga, right? I mean, I definitely am definitely think that everybody should be doing yoga, I also see the issues surrounding it, and why some people might be hesitant. So I just will reiterate that I think that the world needs you to do some yoga, and that we need you, not you trying to be anybody else. You your own unique, individual self practicing, observing, taking a good look at who you are and how you’re showing up in the world. We need everybody to be doing that. And we need that so that everybody can then bring their own strengths and their own unique traits forward as the gifts to the world because at the end of the day Yoga is a service. It’s a service. It’s a gift that we’ve been given. And then it becomes the service that we’re able to almost like recycle and keep utilizing and give out to others. So we yeah The world needs. The world needs more people doing

Ariel Zachow

Perfect, I love it. If people want to connect with you or follow you where should they go?

Erica Settino

So you can find the Karuna For Animals on Facebook and on Instagram just Karuna for animals. And you could also email me I’m always happy to get an email Erica@karunafornimals.com and the website is www.karunafornaimals.com.

Ariel Zachow

Thank you Erica for taking the time to talk with me today. I hope that this was helpful for you as my listeners. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to Erica if you’d like to learn more about her nonprofit. As always, you can reach out to me. You can find me on instagram @compassion.as.my compass or shoot me an email to Ariel@compassionasmycompass. com. Thank you again for taking the time to listen I so appreciate every moment that you give me and that you give the show. If you have any requests for upcoming shows or you’d like to be a guest yourself, please reach out to me. Otherwise I will see you next week for our next episode.

June 12, 2019 0 comment

Interviews

All About Raw Vegan

by ArielZachow June 7, 2019

Ariel Zachow

Hello and welcome to Compassion As My Compass. I am your host Ariel Zachow. This is a weekly podcast all about living yoga off the mat. Each week we cover a new topic and discuss what small, easily implemented things you can do to follow a yogi lifestyle after your physical practice has ended. I am excited for this podcast today- I have a guest, Maria, who will be joining us and we’re going to talk all about the raw vegan diet. So I want to just sort of preface this with this is not a ‘Hey, you need to go vegan’ or ‘Hey, you need to go raw’. This is simply someone sharing their story and their experience with the raw vegan diet. She’ll offer you a few tips on how you can do it yourself or how you can incorporate more raw foods into your diet. But by no means is it a ‘you must go raw’ or ‘you must go vegan’. I just wanted to start with that. But Maria, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me. I’m really happy to have you here today.

Maria Koval

Thank you so much Ariel.

Ariel Zachow

I kind of want to start at the beginning so our listeners can get to know what are you all about.

Maria Koval

So I actually own a plant based catering company which services requests for plant based dinner parties, as well as corporate catering. And through that platform, I’ve been fortunate to consult for vegan food products, companies and restaurants as well. My website is www.menubymaria.com, where you can view sample menus pictures and find out more about my background. I have been a raw vegan since September 2018. So about eight months now.

And I guess I’ll start with how it all began. So four years ago, I was living in southern Florida and I discovered Matthew Kenny, who is raw foods pioneer, and he used to own the all raw vegan restaurant called Plant Food and Wine in Miami, Florida. He also used to own a culinary school, which is how you and I met through the Facebook group. And the culinary school placed a strong emphasis on raw food. So at the time, I wasn’t a professional chef. But I was toiling away on my finance job in Palm Beach, Florida and I had dreamt of attending some of the classes to learn about the diet. And even now as I run my catering company in the last two years, I’ve started to receive so many requests from clients wanting an all raw vegan experience in their house.

And so this has encouraged me to start cooking and experimenting with raw foods in my own home kitchen. Additionally, I’ve also suffered with acne, and I’ve been trying to cut out sugar and night shades, which is the smallest of vegetables considered to be inflammatory. So I’ve kind of been interested in, you know, reductionism, and through the years have been trying all kinds of different diets and seeing what works. So then in August of 2018, last year, I finally signed up for the raw foods program associated with Matthew Kenny’s former school, and I learned a ton about how to prepare daily meals for myself. And so a month later, after finishing the culinary school, which ended up shutting down, I became fully raw, I hired a raw vegan chef to come into my house to help ease the prep and to make the dishes more attractive and creative. And then a few weeks in I just noticed my skin starting to clear up. And I had no longer had the like gastrointestinal issues that I’ve previously had from cooking with lots of oil and poor food combining.

Ariel Zachow

I guess we should say for those people who don’t know what is following a raw vegan diet. What does that mean?

Maria Koval

A raw vegan is basically a person who eats plants, plant based foods, eaten fresh or dehydrated in low heat or fermented. So with the temperature in dehydrating, different teachers site varying temperatures as the cutoff point, but on average, I think this equates to food that has not been heated beyond 105 degrees Fahrenheit. So temperatures as high as 118 degrees have been deemed by other teachers to be considered uncooked and still intact were enzymes, minerals and vitamins are concerned. I know in the culinary school that I went to, for Matthew Kenny’s former school we use 118 degrees as metric. And so with dehydration, we use a food dehydrator which basically a very large box with stacks of how would you describe a dehydrator? It’s like-

“And I would say you do what works for you. This is what works for me.”

Ariel Zachow

It’s it’s like a super, if you imagine sort of like a toaster oven, but much fancier and it just pushes like slightly warmish air through.

Maria Koval

Yes, yeah. So basically like a mini oven, or you can layer you know, various foods or vegetables in thin slices. And it will sit and you don’t have to worry about, you know, it overheating or blowing up your kitchen. Because generally you have to have the food in there from you know, between 12 and 24 hours. So it’s on such low heat that you can actually walk away, you can sleep and it’ll be running all night long. And you know, by the time you wake up, your food is ready. So yeah, I think you know, the biggest point to you in using a food dehydrator is one for for flavor, because it improves the texture of the food. So for people who have become more advanced, raw vegan, they’ll buy, you know, one of these very nice, expensive dehydrator and they’ll start to experiment. And they’ll see just all the things that they can make, beyond just making like a raw salad or smoothie, which a lot of people are already doing and the water that’s removed from the food and the dehydrator are still maintain its enzymatic properties. So that’s kind of the reason why you would use a dehydrator.

Ariel Zachow

Now personally for you, would you consider yourself someone who’s very strictly raw? Do you ever go for something cooked or now that you found this raw diet is this is this really sort of where you stay and where you live?

Maria Koval

So like,as I said, the whole acne situation last year was a big deal. I couldn’t figure it out. I was taking a lot of pills, and I was on antibiotics. And I was talking to a dermatologist and she was saying, well, would you eat dairy? And I said, ‘No, I’m a lifelong vegan and I already don’t eat dairy. I’m already eating so many vegetables and eating kale and, and all of this stuff’. And I couldn’t figure out why. And actually, through going on the raw diet, that sort of that problem went away as well as like I said, the gastrointestinal issues. And since then I have not had a craving as a result because I was just so motivated to fix the acne that and as I said, I have a chef that works with me and my house. So for me, it’s become so easy and streamline the whole process of eating on a weekly basis that it’s it’s very fun, and I enjoy it. Like I think it tastes great. And so there hasn’t been a reason for me to choose. But of course, living in New York City, we have a lot of restaurants and options for raw food now. So I would assume that you’re living anywhere else in America and certain states where it’s probably tough to go out with your friends and enjoy like an actually like delicious meal that’s raw.

Ariel Zachow

Sort of on that note when you went raw vegan. Did you have pushback from friends or family? Or do you find that the people in your life are supportive?

Maria Koval

So my family’s vegan, I was raised vegan, and I think with friends and acquaintances or just people I work with or me and in general being vegan my whole life, there have always been a lot of people who ask questions and try to undermine the diet as something that isn’t nutritionally sound, even though a large portion of Indians, I think they say 30% are born vegetarians. And I’m obviously a product of the vegan diet. And so, I think there are a lot of missing conceptions about veganism to start, but even raw veganism is such like, you know, a sore point for some people because they just can’t begin to understand, like, you know, ‘oh, you’re just eating grass’, or ‘you’re just eating like lettuce every day’.

And I think once you start to educate yourself, and educate the people around you, like, you start to say, like, ‘Hey, this is what I’m eating today’, or ‘this is how I cook for myself on a weekly basis’, they begin to understand, but also the movement towards veganism in the last five years, has made this much more understandable for people. So my family has always obviously been very into it. We have distant relatives who are constantly like, ‘Oh, is this you know, is this good for for your health?’ Or, you know, ‘how do you do this, like, we’re meant to eat animals’ and I think that there are still a lot of people who are like, ‘I like my meat. I like my fish, I would never give that up. That’s just what I like.’ And I would never judge anyone.

And I would say you do what works for you. This is what works for me in the same way I would never look at someone and say, ‘how could you eat that chicken?’ A lot of vegans do this. They kind of advocate for this and that way in a confrontational way, but I certainly don’t. And so I don’t really deal with people who come to me and say, you know, what’s wrong with your diet? Why are you eating this? You should think about that. And so I kind of just mind my own business. And you know, I do what, what works for me,

Ariel Zachow

I think that it’s maybe worth saying that most vegans aren’t crazy. I think that we get a bad reputation, but most of us are very calm.

Maria Koval

Yeah, I think I mostly mean like an organization like PETA has received a lot of flack for being very confrontational in their advocacy methods. I think, you know, they show up to carnivals and certain venues and they, they advocate and protest outside and I think that scares a lot of people. But yeah, I think most people who are just eating vegan are just like, ‘Okay, I’m eating real food. This isn’t a special diet. This is these are just vegetables.’ And yeah, I think a lot of us have all the best intentions. And it’s only when people come to you and start questioning you that you get like, you know, hey, why do you care? You know?

Ariel Zachow

So what are some things that people get wrong about maybe veganism in general or more specifically raw veganism?

Maria Koval

I think that people are anxious about the amount of time it takes to prepare raw foods correctly. So with dehydration, like I said, you’re usually planning ahead of time placing your food in anywhere between four to 24 hours even an even more time. So I think that that is a problem for people who don’t have a chef or who just don’t know where to start. But dehydrated foods over a long time also provide a large measure of convenience as they can be stored, and they’ll remain fresh for several weeks due to the lack of bacteria in the water. So I think, yes, it does take planning, but you’ll have your you know, you’ll have your dehydrated items for a while. So it’s something that you can do maybe as every two weeks, you can prepare some bread items, or, you know, you can sprout ahead of time in large batches. And so also I mentioned that fermentation last four months, right? So anything you ferment like cabbage or kimchi, or that any kind of vegetable pickling, those items in the refrigerator will last for a really long time. And so I think another part of this is taste. Some people don’t think that raw vegetables are tasty. And maybe that’s true if you’re having a raw salad with some leaves. But as I said, with the dehydrator things start to get fancy. And you can sort of experiment with different recipes. As I said before, we have a lot of restaurants popping up all over America, not just in New York City, that are focused on fully raw, raw vegan, that is, because you can also eat raw on a on a meat based diet, right? You can eat raw fish. And so I think with all the resources, the bloggers, the cookbooks, all of this makes it so much easier. And then I think the big thing that everyone has always asked at me as just a vegan, but even in the raw world is ‘how do you get your protein?’ And I don’t think people realize that you can eat sprouted lentils, green beans, nuts, you can also eat spirulina, which is a blue green algae. And I think once someone starts this process and explores the sprouting methods, and even just the wide variety of vegetables we have out there, I think it will expand their mind.

Ariel Zachow

And I would like to sort of add on to the tail end of that. I have a background as a personal trainer and I have a relatively extensive knowledge about plant based nutrition for fitness. You don’t need nearly as much protein as people think that you need. So I encourage our listeners, if protein is a sticking point for you, it’s virtually impossible to not get enough protein if you’re putting food into your face on any regular basis.

Maria Koval

So right. Yeah.

If you’d prefer to listen to this show, you can do so HERE.

Ariel Zachow

Sprouting is a big thing. I thought I know know what’s wrong with me, but I can’t seem to get it to work. So you’ll have to send me some help. But that’s a great option for people. But also eat some broccoli, there’s plenty of protein in just regular, plain old vegetables.

Maria Koval

Yeah, for sure. I know doctors say if you eat a varied diet, vegetables, grains, legumes, fruits, and nuts, you can get more than enough protein in your day, I think it just takes a conscious effort people who just like work a lot or have different jobs that aren’t related to being a chef or nutritionist or a person in that industry- They don’t have the time, they’re confused there’s like too much information online about this. And yeah, I think was just like careful planning ahead of time, you can sort of figure out your macro and micronutrients for the day.

Ariel Zachow

Say, we have somebody listening now and maybe they’re vegan, maybe they’re not even vegetarian, but they’re, they’re very interested in, at the very least, incorporating more raw meals into their life and into their diet. What are your recommended for a very basic starting point?

Maria Koval

I wouldn’t recommend buying an expensive dehydrator to start although there are some dehydrators that are definitely on the cheaper side, you can also buy one on eBay or from someone else. But I think even you know sprouting legumes and grains in your home kitchen using a mason jar doesn’t require a dehydrator even though you can do that in one. And so I would say to get protein and to get some of those nutrients, and you can start in that way. It’s very easy. And I know you said you’ve had difficulty but for me, I have a warm apartment.

So I think that’s why it works really well. But you can also just place your mason jar inside of your oven with the light on. And that tends to create enough heat for your your sprouts to to come out. I think I always recommend to my vegan catering clients that they should be eating a large salad once a day or a smoothie with raw fruits and veggies. And so a lot of people are already eating raw throughout the day without realizing it.

Even people who eat meat, non vegan, you know, they eat smoothies, right? That’s a big thing now, especially in New York, and I think as they continue to explore of vegan or raw vegan diet, a juicer would be a great thing to buy, which is also not very expensive, depending on how you like your juices cold pressed. And so I think a juicer, a dehydrator, that kind of equipment would definitely help you advance your vegan raw game, but definitely not necessary. I think just, you know, creating salads with a ton of nuts and veggies and avocados. I think that that would be a great start, you know, once a day, just like I said, I would recommend that for all my clients.

Ariel Zachow

So are there any last little sort of tidbits you want to add?.

Maria Koval

Yeah, I think,you know, people always ask ‘what do you eat throughout the day?’ And so for me, like I said, I eat a smoothie. I eat raw vegan oatmeal. For lunch, big salad, I’ll make veggie burgers in the hydrator like dinner, I’ll have like a raw carrot coriander roll or like a chilled cucumber soup. I’ll do like a raw zoodle, which is a zucchini spiral marinara pasta. And so I can also make pizza and bread, and all of that obviously requires a dehydrator. But yeah, I think the options are, are limitless, once you start to really dive into this diet, and all of like the cookbooks that are out there. You can also make dessert for yourself. And you know, in the raw diet, you can have sugar, so there’s just different forms of it like agave is raw. And so yeah, I think once you start to explore, there are plenty of options to eat throughout the day.

Ariel Zachow

Perfect. I think this was very sort of short and right to the point but also very valuable. We covered a lot of the reasons why and how it can be very helpful. And so thank you so much for hopping on with me today. Where can our listeners go if they want to connect with you.

Maria Koval

So my website is www.menubymaria.com. And that’s where I help sample menus and pictures of my food for catering. And I also like I said, work with food product companies and restaurants and helping them develop their concepts in their vegan menus. And basically, I’m always looking for people in the industry or even just clients to talk to me about any kind of service I can provide that for them. And so yeah, please check my website out.

Ariel Zachow

Well, thank you again for joining me. I hope that you as my listeners enjoyed listening to this show, don’t hesitate to reach out to Maria. You are also, as always, welcome to reach out to me, you can catch me on instagram @compassion.as.my.compass, or send me an email to Ariel@compassionasmycompass.com If there are any shows that you would like to see discussed on this podcast, or if you’re interested in being a guest yourself, go ahead and send me an Instagram or send me an email. Thank you again for listening. I am excited for what we have in store in the future. So I will see you again next week.

June 7, 2019 0 comment

Interviews

A Mother’s Guide to Self Care

by ArielZachow June 5, 2019

Ariel Zachow

Lisa Muchnik

I’m also a certified yoga instructor. I teach mat yoga, I teach anti gravity yoga, which is aerial yoga hanging from the ceiling, which is very awesome. And I love it. And I’m obsessed with it. I also am a nurse anesthetist, so I do anesthesia. And I also used to practice as a dietitian, so lots of different things, a lot of different hats.

Ariel Zachow

We are going to focus today on something that I think is really, really important. And something that’s not talked about often. And it’s taking time to be good to yourself as a mother and specifically as a mother with small children. And you’ve got two very young children. So why don’t you sort of walk us through your journey with becoming first a new mom, and then trying to find your place of being a good mom, and also taking time for yourself.

Lisa Muchnik

I have definitely been someone that’s even before I had kids really felt like self care was very important. Always, no matter what was going on in my life, no matter how busy things have gotten, I’ve always made time to do whatever it is that I loved. At one point it was running, and then when I got into yoga that really took over, and I think part of it is accepting that it may not always be exactly how you always used to do things. You know, for example, before I had kids, maybe I could take classes any time I want, I could be out for two hours, and it didn’t matter. And, you know, now it’s like it might be 10 minutes, and you know, in front of, you know, my living room or whatever. But to backtrack, I’m getting a little off topic. So as far as the journey, I had my daughter three and a half years ago, and it, it was a life change, right?

Because you go from again, having always thinking you’re busy, and then now all of a sudden, you’re even like 20 times busier because it’s like oh my gosh, I don’t even have a minute people hear people say oh, I don’t have a minute to shower, I don’t even have a minute to to eat, I don’t have a minute to do anything. And so at first, of course, it’s overwhelming, your life is completely different. Now everything is about your child, everything is about all the time it takes because everything takes a million times longer to do everything. So for me with my daughter, I was definitely overwhelmed. And one of the things that was important to me was breastfeeding.

But again, that was like whole journey in and of itself, because that’s something that you hear or see and think, oh, it must be so natural, it’s second nature. And it’s probably the hardest thing to do. Because now on top of everything else, you’re exhausted, but you’re giving your body to your baby. And in the beginning, the babies don’t really know what to do. So you’re like fighting to do it. And you’re supposed to do it around the clock all the time. So that takes everything out of you and you’re sleep deprived. So that was really, really a struggle for me. And then once I got past that, sort of like that hump, and it was like, Okay, now my baby’s nursing fine, and I’m starting to just, like, get into somewhat of a groove, if you can call it that after, you know, a few weeks few months.

But, you know, once I found that I, I realized, okay, you know, now I have to take care of myself, because again, you’re giving everything to your baby. And if you don’t take care of yourself, you’re going to be so depleted. So even if that’s your motivation, just to be able to take care of your baby, I think that that’s what got me I was like, even if I’m not doing it in the beginning, right if I’m if my motivation is not like I don’t have time to just do all this for myself, but yet I have to take care of myself, so I can take care of my baby. That’s like maybe the initial way that I looked at it, and then I was like, but now I take care of myself because I have to take care of me as a person to know I’m, I’m who I am. And I also things that I love doing. I’ve always had interests and hobbies and things, and I have to be able to get those into.

So with my daughter it was it seemed like everything just went so fast, right? Because I’m a new mom, and everything’s changing. So then when I had my son, this time around, I feel like I actually have been enjoying everything much more because I have perspective and the ability to be present. Because I know how, how fast everything goes, if that makes sense.

Ariel Zachow

Was the a specific turning point for you where you had this moment of ‘Oh, wow, I really haven’t been taking care of myself’? Or was it something that was always in the back of your mind. And it was just a matter of trying to find how to make it work in this new life?

Lisa Muchnik

Yeah, it was more of, like you said, always in the back of my mind. Because again, for me, you know, doing physical activity, eating healthy have always been at the core of my being like that, no matter what I’ve been doing. I’ve never just been someone that’s like, even though I’m in school, and I’m working and I’m crazy, I’m just going to, you know, go to McDonald’s, ‘I don’t care what I ea’t. No, I always cared where I eat. And I’ll wake up at you know, I was waking up at, you know, five or six in the morning to exercise before school and work.

Now I’m waking up at four in the morning sometimes to do yoga before the kids wake up. So it’s, it’s always been a part of me, it was just sort of like finding the time when I can start to insert it in. And then also, with having the baby then there’s also the the other end of the spectrum where when you’re someone that does do all the self care, you also don’t want to rush back in either because there’s a big healing that goes on. Right? So I feel like there’s like two extremes right there.

There’s some people that actually have a baby, like they can’t even imagine finding the time to exercise and do things. And then there’s the people that jump back in. Because they’re like, ‘Oh my god, I have to’ you know, I had the baby weight. And I always exercise and so I was kind of like, the first pregnancy- it was like first baby, I should say- I was waiting to jump back in was kinda like, as soon as the doctor said I could do things I jumped back in, and I think actually did it too soon. I didn’t appreciate the healing that goes on. And I was just like, I’m going to do this because I can so it’s like, just because you can do something doesn’t mean that you should. And this time around, I really waited six weeks, I said, I’m just giving myself the six weeks to just be with the baby. And what is healing, it’s movement, right? So just maybe just slowly walking around, maybe just getting a little bit of movement, eating healthy, nourishing my body, everything else then working everything back in, like you said in finding those times.

Ariel Zachow

So what does a typical day look like for you balancing motherhood and self care? And what do you do to make those things happen?

Lisa Muchnik

So I would say typical day and you know, now we’re talking about four and a half months out, right? So he’s actually sleeping, right. So that’s, that’s a big, a big factor. Because when you’re not getting sleep it’s a lot harder to, you know, do everything that you want to do. But I would say typically, I will wake up pretty early, I’ll wake up like, five o’clock in the morning, and I’ll either feed him or pump depending on if he’s awake. And then I just make a little bit of time to do a yoga practice, and it might only be 15 or 20 minutes. That’s it, and I’m okay with that. And then, you know, my daughter will wake up and I do everything, take care of her and, you know, get her all set up for the morning routine. My husband leaves for work like around eight. So we’ll usually eat breakfast together as a family, which could be like literally eight minutes all together. And that’s fine.

You know, again, it’s, it’s not about the amount of time, it’s just that quality of time and just making the most of what you have, you don’t have time for everything. So you just kind of make it work, fitting it in. And then you know, I’m home with the kids. So it’s pretty much just doing things with them kind of going with what my daughter wants to do. I try to like even sometimes incorporate things with her and him you know, like I’ll do little things with him and little things with her. You know, if she’s actually busy doing something, I might like throw in a quick something.

And the other thing that’s big with us is food preparation. And being vegan takes a lot of work. Because we cook, you know pretty much everything for us and for my daughter from scratch. So it’ll be like, she’s sitting and doing something for 10 minutes, I’m starting to prepare and chop vegetables. And that might sit until later when I have another break in the day when she’s napping. And then maybe I’m putting together two or three different things, and just kind of throwing everything together or getting like dry ingredients together and putting that aside for something later. You know, it’s always in pieces. But then it all comes together.

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

Ariel Zachow

So is this something that you sit and plan out? Or is this so much a part of who you were before you had kids that it just sort of happens naturally? It’s things that you had done in the past, but now they’re just happening where you have room for them?

Lisa Muchnik

I think it’s a combination. It’s a combination. So I’ve always been someone that I guess I don’t want to say type A personality in that respect. But the planning aspect, right? So it’s like, I’ve always been a planner or someone that will look at my week and actually look at and say, Okay, what days can I, you know, it used to be what days can I go to yoga class? What days am I going to maybe go for a walk or maybe do some weights? So now I do I kind of look at the week and say, ‘Okay, this is what I’m going to try to do this stuff’. And with the food preparation, yes, we actually do we make a menu for the whole week. And we don’t always stick to it. But we kind of say, Okay, I make this that this this day like soup, I’ll make a soup on Sunday. That’ll last that’s for four meals, let’s do it this, this, this and this day, when we’re busy. But the days when she goes to preschool and I have a little more time than I can maybe make something for dinner that night, because I have the time to do extra food preparation. And of course, I am lucky because my husband is a big help. He’s also in the same lifestyle. So it’s doing that also makes a huge difference that we can do it together. Because I do hear a lot of moms, you know, say I make one dinner for me because I’m vegan, and I make another meal for my husband and kids because they won’t eat this stuff. You know, and that and that’s a whole nother layer that makes it more challenging. But I mean, can be made to work, but it’s just an extra level of things has to be done.

Ariel Zachow

Do you find that you ever struggle with mom guilt?

Lisa Muchnik

Yes. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. So I was dropping my daughter of a group the other day, and there was a mom who has a daughter, my daughter’s age, and she’s pregnant. And she was talking about how she felt so guilty, because she’s gonna have a daughter go to school more hours next year, because she feels like, just to make it work is going to be so hard. And she felt so guilty. And I say, look, you have to take care of yourself and make sure that you know, you’re doing whatever you need to do for both your kids. And she’s like, ‘take care of myself on Oh, no, I’m not’. She said, ‘I’m not going to take care myself for the next five years. No, I already know that’. And that’s, and that attitude made me want to say ‘no’, I said, ‘that’s the attitude is so many people walking around with.’ So I have a little bit of guilt in the sense that like, you know, being busy and, you know, you never, you’re never going to feel like you have enough time for your kids.

I mean, that’s just inherent right. And I always said, I’m never going to have that mom guilt. And I definitely do. But at the same time, I don’t let it control me and I bring myself back to: in order to best take care of my my kids, I have to take care of myself. Like eating is not a luxury. When I hear people say ‘Oh, I don’t even have time to eat’, I made the time to eat, even if it’s I might be holding my son, and like half feeding my daughter with the other hand, and then taking a bite in between but I’m eating and I’m eating healthy things, in order to feel good, right? So I can enjoy the time I spend with them and be present with them. You have to feel good, and you’re not going to feel good if you’re not eating things that make you feel good. And on top of that, I also look at it, like, I want to model this behavior for them. Right? Because if they see that I’m always stressed out and I can never eat and I can never do things healthy, they’re going to just think that that’s a luxury and they shouldn’t be able to take care of themselves. So yes, I feel the guilt, but I just get right past it. Because if you have to in order to take care of yourself, yeah, it’s going to be there.

Ariel Zachow

What are some of the biggest struggles that you face?

Lisa Muchnik

I would say, you know, I think, again, just making everything work, right? It’s, it’s just being a mom, you know, you do things and you’re only human right? Sometimes you get frustrated at your kids, you afterwards you’re like, ‘oh, I should have handled that differently’. You know, when your kid was upset or when you’re you know, now that my daughter is a toddler, she’s in that, as they call it, so appropriately threenager, right, it’s like I see the, the flash and before we have like what she’s gonna be like, as a teenager, and you know, so defiant and I, in some ways, I think it’s wonderful, because I’m like, she’s this little sassy person, and she knows what she wants. And she’s independent. And, you know, in some ways, obviously, and it’s, it’s like a beautiful thing to see her developing into this person. But at the same time, it’s like, it’s so frustrating as a parent, when you know, you don’t want them to do something, and they just want to keep doing it.

I think that struggling with that and, and being being supportive of her while teaching her good values and teaching her, you know, to just be a kind person and a loving person. And, you know, then there’s like, the food aspects where I want her to eat healthy. And, you know, again, like, you know, we’re vegan, and, you know, I hope that she’ll decide to stay vegan, but when she’s old enough to make that decision on her own, I can’t force it to her, you know, that’s something that she has to decide. So I think struggling with just in this world today, where things are so crazy, and social media and things that are are challenging, just to teach my kids to be who they are and bring good to the world and not get caught up in that that’s probably the hardest, even at this age, trying to start doing still that you know, and just being present, right, being present with them. And just being present in life.

You know, I think being present is the hardest thing, I try to do the whole, you know, when I feel like I’m sort of just going off in a million directions, or the monkey mind is going on, I really try to do the whole five senses, like stop for a minute, you know, holding my my son, and he might be crying from you know, and then I stopped, you know, I get him to stop and I’m nursing and I’m gonna be falling asleep. And I’ve nursed him a million times. And I’m like, I just want like five minutes to put you down, right? But it’s like, hold on, you know, he’s not going to be like this in five years, right? I’m not going to be able to hold them like this. So it’s like, what do I see? What do I hear? What do I feel all those senses engaged for a minute, and then just to appreciate it. And that’s what I try to do.

“You have to feel good, and you’re not going to feel good if you’re not eating things that make you feel good.”

Ariel Zachow

How do you find this balancing act of taking care of yourself and taking care of your children and your husband? How does that affect the relationship that you have with all of them?

Lisa Muchnik

Let’s see. That’s that’s a really tough question. Good question. I think, naturally, things just sort of change. You know, it’s like, when you first get married, you know, you’re in that phase together. And it’s, it’s amazing, and you’re doing things together. But people will see it right before you get married, they’ll say, ‘Oh, you know, once you get married, things change’. And I think sometimes you think of that as like a negative thing. It’s a positive thing. It’s like it changes because now you’re married, you’re in this different realm of relationship, and it’s amazing. And does it have its days that are not amazing, of course. But you know. You don’t love every minute of it, but you love it. Right? It’s the same thing that when you have kids, I think like, nothing could prepare us for how it was going to change our relationship with each other.

But we’ve made it a wonderful positive thing. Are we able to do all the things that we did together before? No. And we do miss that, you know, like the, you know, even like yoga, it’s a big thing for us. It’s like, it’s coming up, you know, we go to yoga sometimes, but we obviously don’t get to practice together, we go to the studio and people are like, ‘Oh, you know, where’s your husband,’ or, ‘Oh, where’s your wife’, and it’s just ‘Oh, home with the kids’, because, you know, we make it work. Now, this is, this is the new reality for now. You know, when our daughter came along, again, we just had to kind of like, shift with whatever things we get to do as a family, and be together, that’s great. But then at the same time, some days, it’s like, ships passing, it’s like, he comes home, and then I go out and do something, I go out and teach and then I come home, and then he’s going and getting some work done. You know, it’s so it’s like a balancing act of being okay with switching off and doing things. And then sometimes doing things as a family that changed the relationship that we have between each other. Yes, but it’s just the phases, the stage that we’re at, and you just appreciate that for what it is.

And then another child comes along, you know, you kind of feel like, ‘Oh, well, we got this, we have this balance’. Now we’re starting to even be able to spend more time all of us together, and then- boom, right, then comes number two. And it’s like starting at square one again in some ways, but again, just kind of being creative about how we can spend time together, just the two of us, how we can find time to still show our daughter that, you know, she’s still so important that even though now we have the baby that’s taking up a lot of time, and then finding time together. The other night she said to us, you know, ‘can we go down into the basement as a family?’ And you know, just to hear say that, and it was so sweet. You know, my husband was holding the baby, she was going in the aerial hammock, and I was pushing her, we were just all kind of hanging out together, you know, and it was only five minutes before she had to get ready for bed. But it was special, you know?

Ariel Zachow

And how do you incorporate your kids into your self care routine? What would your advice be, I suppose to either new moms or maybe moms that are realizing that they need to start to get this self care. It doesn’t have to be a totally selfish, like, I need to be by myself sort of thing? How would you recommend that they start to bring their kids into that? So everybody gets the benefit of mom taking time to feel good?

Lisa Muchnik

Sure. I think you know, when they’re really young, it’s about I mean, even from when they were both infants, I did like, the simple things that you can do as far as like, you know, doing a couple of stretches. And you can do them holding your baby, right? I mean, you don’t, it doesn’t have to be this like, cuz I’ve always been kind of, for lack of a better term like OCD with my exercise with like, I have to designate, you know, an hour and it has to be uninterrupted. And this is it. And when you have kids that’s like out the window, right? That that mentality. So like you said, incorporating them. So it’d be like, maybe I’m doing a few stretches, and I’m holding them or maybe you know if the baby’s okay on the floor, like, you know, put them right in front of you and let him look at you and I’m doing the plank pose right over them. You know, whatever.

And then have my daughter right there as well. We’re all kind of just like, hanging out and doing it together. Maybe, you know, she’s at the age now that she knows poses, so ‘let’s do down dog. Let’s do this, let’s show, let’s show Caleb, (that’s my son) let’s show Caleb how we do this.’ You know, it’s incorporating him. As far as like the food. She’s, we’ve always exposed her to food, even from the littlest age like my son. Now he’s four months, when I’m preparing food, I have him right in the kitchen with me just watching me, you know, and even four months, you can bring something over to him ‘look at this, you can smell this, look at this’. So from early on doing that, and now as a toddler, we started this with her when she was about a year old, having her help, even if it’s the most minimal thing, ‘come watch Mommy, I’m going to chop this come watch Mommy, I’m going to put together the stuff for the pie that we’re going to make’, you know always like having her like respect food and even just reading books about like food and things that we love doing helps them get more interested in so that when you actually do it with them, they want to be involved.

She , don’t get me wrong, she’s a picky eater, cuz I hear this from moms all the time. Like, ‘you know, my kids won’t eat that stuff. I mean, you know, I’m not going to spend all the time preparing food, they’re not going to my daughter doesn’t eat most of the stuff that we- I mean, she eats healthy vegan things, but just not the same things we’re eating. However, she loves helping us prepare it, and she’s interested in it. So even if that doesn’t translate till a few years down the road, I’m okay with that. Because she knows what it is. And she can points out like the most, you know, kind of obscure vegetable and know what they are, even if she won’t eat them. And that’s okay, because she wants to touch them and maybe put them near her mouth or whatever. And maybe eventually, she really does, you know, so it’s all about like doing things in part.

And, and, you know, letting them because their attention span isn’t great, they’re not going to sit there and cook a whole meal with you. Right? I mean, it’s not going to happen, it’s just the reality. But it’s like, if in the morning, we do this for a little bit of time, then it’s like, ‘Okay, you know what, after we do this, you know, we’re going to go cut the vegetables, and then we’re going to go do X’, something that she really wants to do, kind of making it like part of the day making it fun. Now we’re going to go do this. And I think that that’s, that’s a big part of it, or you know, she loves going grocery shopping, she’s been going grocery shopping with us, since she’s really little. So even just seeing all the fun things. And again, just incorporating in any way you can, as much as you can, I think makes a big difference.

Ariel Zachow

And I think that it’s it’s maybe worth saying that a selfless routine can be different for every person. So you’re very passionate about your diet and your yoga practice. And that’s, that’s sort of where your foundation is, but it can be anything for anybody. Maybe it’s taking a bubble bath or doing a face mask or going on a walk it can be anything that makes you feel good.

“And even if you just read a couple pages, you’d be surprised how relaxed you feel from just having those few minutes.”

Lisa Muchnik

Absolutely. I think that that’s, that’s so true. I think that it’s, it’s more about realizing that you have those five or 10 minute intervals, that you can do something and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. Right. It’s it’s like, you know, I think giving yourself the permission to be like, ‘I have five minutes, I can’, like you said, ‘I can go in the bubble bath and just feel relaxed’. And you know, relax is maybe a relative term, right? But that’s okay, if that whatever, like you said, whatever it is you love doing, maybe it’s reading a book, right? Again, you maybe you’re someone that loves to just plow through books and read books. Now, maybe you can’t so much do that. But you can definitely read while you sit. And even if you just read a couple pages, you’d be surprised how relaxed you feel from just having those few minutes. When you’re in this stage, those few minutes feel like everything, you know, so yes, I think being okay with just doing it in a different way, changing your perspective a little bit, you know, how you do it is a little bit different, but you can still do it and be okay with that.

Ariel Zachow

And so if you’re talking to somebody who’s finally seeing the importance of taking care of themselves first, what is your advice to them on where they should start?

Lisa Muchnik

So I think again, it’s, it’s starting small, and maybe starting with one thing, okay? So, for example, if it’s, if it’s the yoga, I’m just using that example, because that’s, that’s for me, it’s, it’s again, saying, okay, you know, I’m going to try to give myself five minutes today to just do that. And maybe it’ll less a little longer if if time permits, but if not, I’m okay with that. And really, again, so now, I only have this five minutes time that I’m saying I’m going to use, but really using that time like not, you know, sometimes I get into this to like ‘Wait, let me check my phone’, or ‘Oh, wait, let me just do five other things first’, or, you know, the baby’s napping, right? Say, ‘Wait, before I do that, I’ve got laundry, I’ve got dishes, let me do one of those things first, and then I’ll do the self care thing’. No, it has to be the reverse.

Because there’s always going to be more dishes, even after you clean them, there’s always going to be more laundry even after you fold it. So it’s the first thing it’s ‘no, first I’m going to take those five minutes or those 10 minutes, and do whatever it is that I’m going to do’. So for me, instead, it’s yoga, or I’m going to take the bubble bath, I’m going to put that face mask on or I’m going to just sit, just sit down, right and look at a magazine, right, I’m going to go grab us magazine, whatever it is just to just give myself a few minutes. That’s, that’s the first thing and then I do those 10 minutes, and then, you know, trying to get all these tasks done, then I can try to see if I can get the laundry done. But first take the time to do the self care. And then you’re always going to, you know, have those other things that have to get done, they’re gonna have to get stuff done regardless. So that’s really the first piece of advice is that doing that first, and then build it up as you kind of get comfortable with and as, because really, as the days and weeks go on, things get a little bit more regimented. And things, you know, the baby needs a little bit less care here and there.

So that’s when you can sort of start to then make it a little bit more maybe now I can fit five minutes in later in the day. Also, maybe now that 10 minutes can become 15 minutes, you know, maybe now I can use more time, when I don’t need to be taking care of the baby to do the self care and maybe use the other time, like oh, I can like you know, sing with the baby and do so while I’m folding laundry. So I can incorporate some of like the tasks that I don’t love doing as much. But that has to get done, you know, incorporate doing things with the children. So then I can have those times like for me by myself, you know when I can have those times.

Ariel Zachow

Any last little tidbits you want to throw in before we wrap up?

Lisa Muchnik

The only other thing that I would I would say, especially in the beginning, like when there’s no sleep. And it’s frustrating. And you know, you have to really your job is feeding the baby, right. And that’s when those really little babies and I think sometimes it’s easy to get into this cycle of being so overwhelmed and frustrated because like, you think maybe now I can get like 20 minutes of sleep, and then the baby calls again. Right. And again, I think that idea of being present. And sort of just refocusing saying, ‘you know, my only job in the first couple of weeks, is to nourish’, right, so nourish, and to feel empowered, that instead of feeling down and frustrated about it to be like I’m empowered, I’m helping my baby, I’m giving my baby everything my baby needs.

And this is only temporary, this phase. So just sort of trying to find that shift in mindset when you’re so tired and overwhelmed, to say, this is all for now. And there’s going to be time, right? Where eventually I’m not going to be nursing the baby every you know, whatever it is every hour every two hours. But while I’m doing it, just be here, just enjoy these moments of being with my baby. And again, feeling empowered that my body is doing all this for the baby. And then feeling is more of a positive versus this, ‘Oh, God, I have to get up again. Oh my god, I’m so tired. Oh my god, this is so hard and so crazy’. You know, sometimes just that little shift in mindset just to get you through it.

Ariel Zachow

And if people want to connect with you, where should they go?

Lisa Muchnik

I’m on Facebook. I’m on Instagram, Instagram @aerialyogamama. And Facebook it’s just my name, Lisa Muchnik.

Ariel Zachow

Well, thank you so much, Lisa for sharing your story. I think that this was very informative, hopefully very helpful. And to all of my listeners, thank you so much for taking the time I do really really appreciate that you tune in each week. If you want to contact me You can find me on instagram @compassion.as.my compass or shoot me an email to ariel@compassionasmycompassion.com, and I will see you next Thursday for our next episode.

June 5, 2019 0 comment

Interviews

An interview with Claire

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

“Don’t compare you to other people. And like if you if you have something that you’re interested in, just pursue that goal. And just find a way to do step by step.”

An interview with Monica Frederick

If you’d prefer to listen to this show, you can do so HERE.

“…we all have that sense of trying to find our own inner self worth.”

“And so that’s what I realized. That I wasn’t the only one.”

“You can do something good with your life. You can have meaning in your life.”

“…you have to have a clear vision that’s stronger than the negative person in your mind.”

Practicing Gratitude with Samantha B

If you’d prefer to listen to this show, you can do so HERE.

“Gratitude to me is actually your perception of what you have.”

“Gratitude really changed your perspective of your entire life…”

“…you have to care enough about yourself, and about your future to put in the work.”

An interview with Catherine Wilde

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

“So that is one of the myths I want to debunk is that self care is not selfish.”

An interview with Jimmy Clare.

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

“Don’t let the limitations in your life slow you down. Be persistent. Keep pushing forward, even though the hard times seem to get the better of you.”

An interview with Christine Zachow

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

“It reminded me that even if this is your decision, there have been so many times in my life when when I’ve had other things happening, and I always get good answers when I hike.”

“It’s about feeding my soul.”

An interview with Jessie Valentine

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

“And when you are very empathetic, it’s very difficult to figure out who are you because you feel everyone else’s pain.”

An interview with Erica Settino

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

“So it’s a very fine balance of finding people that you respect, and that you feel can guide you in the way you need to be led, but also that leave room for you to be you on the path.”

An interview with Maria Koval

“And I would say you do what works for you. This is what works for me.”

If you’d prefer to listen to this show, you can do so HERE.

An interview with Lisa Rostoker Muchnik

If you’d prefer to listen to this interview, you can do so HERE.

“You have to feel good, and you’re not going to feel good if you’re not eating things that make you feel good.”

“And even if you just read a couple pages, you’d be surprised how relaxed you feel from just having those few minutes.”